Adoption: The Brothers He Never Knew He Needed

Matt Gilhooly (00:00)
Alex Blum was adopted as an infant and raised in a good home. He knew he was adopted, it was just never talked about. And so he did what a lot of us do with the things that don't have a clear place. He kept moving. He built a career, a family, a full life. And somewhere along the way, he almost forgot that there was a question at all. Then a stranger found him on 23andMe, and not just any stranger, he had three brothers that he never knew existed. What happened next wasn't traumatic, it was something quieter.

and somehow more surprising. It felt like a relief.

Alex Blum (00:34)
could have literally been in the same room and not known we were brothers Right. So there's something emotionally very

kind of eerie about that, kind of strange.

Matt Gilhooly (00:48)
You're listening to the LifeShift Podcast. I'm your host, Matt Gilhoolie. This show is built around one simple idea, that sometimes a single moment can change how we see everything. Each week, I talk with someone about the moment that shifted their life and how they learned to live differently after it. These are not stories about having it all figured out. They are stories about what it looks like to keep going once the story changes. Thank you for being here. Here's today's story.

Matt Gilhooly (01:19)
Hello my friends, welcome to the LifeShift Podcast. I am here with Alex. Hello Alex.

Alex Blum (01:24)
Hello, Matt, how you doing?

Matt Gilhooly (01:26)
doing well, I just took a nap. So maybe that's going to be fortuitous for us for me to stay awake, which is, you know, always a good thing when you're doing a podcast episode.

Alex Blum (01:35)
Well, you know, I'll try to keep you interested.

Matt Gilhooly (01:37)
Well, I've

done this now over 250 times with people from all over the world. And it sounds really cheesy, but there is something about everybody's story that sits with me, connects with me, makes me feel a certain way, and heals a little part of that younger version of me who was going through his own life shift moment. And so...

I'm always interested and I say it in jest that a nap's gonna help me because I human connection is so important and hearing other people's stories is so important, especially now in 2026.

Alex Blum (02:10)
Absolutely, sure.

Matt Gilhooly (02:12)
Well, before we get into the details of your life shift story, maybe you can tell us who Alex is in 2026. Like, how do you show up in the world? How do you identify these days?

Alex Blum (02:22)
Well, I, wife and I live in San Diego. We lived in LA for about 25 years. grew up on the East Coast. My wife and I have a consulting firm, our own kind of marketing consulting firm, and we work with like big companies, big brands, and we've been doing that about 10 years. Originally, I come from a production background, I owned a

commercial TV commercial production company for 10 years and I worked in that business for many years for 30 years or more After that I produced two feature films at Fox when there was one and So there's kind of been my path I transitioned from that into Consulting and we started as I say we started our own company about 10 years ago. We have five kids between us

two hers and three of mine. So we have a blended family, which is always a challenge. And, you know, a big part of what I think we're going to be talking about today is my experience of being connected to three full brothers I didn't know I had, which happened about six, seven years ago. And so out of that connection,

my whole family got a whole lot bigger because I have three brothers and their spouses and six nieces, as well as my five kids and my older adopted brother. So it's one of those sort of stories about how nowadays your family can just morph and expand and can take all sorts of different forms and all of that. So.

So that's kind of my story in terms of who I am today.

Matt Gilhooly (03:59)
Yeah.

Well, it sounds like you've got a lot of people to run to if you ever need anything.

Alex Blum (04:06)
Well, yeah, yeah, it's a funny thing about that actually, in terms of this experience I have of being to my brothers is something I often say, you know, as I think it's true of a lot of men, particularly as you age, which is it becomes more and more difficult, I think, to make strong, intimate.

Connections like to make those kinds of friends is not it just it just doesn't it's not that easy doesn't happen all that often so one of the interesting things about this story is that being Connected to my brothers sort of like getting three best friends overnight, which was kind of miraculous So, you know, it's a it's a happy story. It's a good story and That was a part of it that actually I hadn't even thought about this before we on the phone

Matt Gilhooly (04:50)
Yeah.

Alex Blum (04:55)
That was a part of it that kind of changed my life because I have several old friends that I've known for many years. And I have obviously a couple of really good friends that I've known from business over the years and all kinds of stuff like that. But for me to think about when was the last time I made a really close friend, I'd have to think hard about that, right? And all of a sudden these three guys appear in my life and it was literally as if I got three best friends overnight. It's kind of amazing, yeah.

Matt Gilhooly (05:20)
Wow. Yeah.

And you don't necessarily think about that in a day to day if it, cause like, who expects that experience to happen where you discover, mean, we'll get into your story in a second, but where you kind of discover these people. now you overnight have people that have ties to you yet you don't have the length of ties that maybe you would want. And now you have this opportunity to recreate and super interested in what that did for you and how that changed you. But

To give the listener a little bit, maybe we could understand what your life was like before this pivotal moment of meeting them. Like, who was the before version of Alex? I mean, you gave us all the career stuff, but like, who were you? Like, what was life like?

Alex Blum (06:06)
So I was born in the 50s in New York City and I was adopted when I was four months old into a pretty privileged environment. So, you my adoption story, you know, per se, you know, it's not one of those, you know,

objectively traumatic stories. You know, I didn't, I always say this, I'm getting a little tired of hearing myself say, but it's not like I didn't row across the ocean in a rowboat. And you know, I didn't live in the street and eat bugs for, you know, six months. You know, I didn't, it's not one of those kinds of stories. It, you know, it's more of a story of having a certain perception about about what your life is. And, and kind of not realizing it's as if there's an envelope. And

Inside is a message and the envelope is sealed and you've been carrying and you're carrying around without really knowing it to the point where you sort of forget it's there and and and so in a way It's like you have this thing. It's like you have an answer to a question You're not even sure you're asking and then all of sudden one day, you know something happens and you discover like oh my god, like here's something that's really important to me that I sort of didn't even pay that much attention to and

So, you I grew up in a, as I say, privileged, WASPy, East Coast environment. You know, I went to, you know, private schools. I went to, you know, several boarding schools, you know, and all this sort of stuff. Like I had that kind of life and it was certainly, sorry? Yes. My parents were straightforward about that. And my older adopted brother and I knew that from, you know, very young. I couldn't even tell you exactly.

Matt Gilhooly (07:38)
Did you know you were adopted? Did you know you were adopted from early on? Okay.

Alex Blum (07:53)
So that was certainly a mistake they didn't make, which at that time, you know, people did make. And, know, I've heard a lot of these kinds of stories of people who didn't know. I think one of them on your podcast, people who didn't know that the people they thought were their parents were their adopted parents or, you know, these kinds of stories. were, my brother and I were very clear that we were adopted.

that was a little bit where the story ended if you will because there was though that was clear There was no discussion of it in our house. There was no speculation or discussion of you know You your mother might have been this or this might have happened or here's why that may have happened or you know and certainly far from like How you might feel about it or you know my adopted mother, you know?

There was no discussion of how she felt about it or even specifically why my adopted parents had to adopt. None of that. That was just sort of not on the table for discussion.

Matt Gilhooly (09:00)
was just like a label that you were. Was it just like a label that you were like, that's it. You were just adopted.

Alex Blum (09:02)
Sorry.

Well, kind of, yeah. Yeah.

That's a funny way to look at Yeah. It's sort of like, here it is, you're adopted and it's no big deal and let's move on. And so you just sort of as a child, what do you accept that? It's like, okay, I guess that's how it's done. And you know, in the fifties, yeah.

Matt Gilhooly (09:21)
You could.

You might not accept that.

Alex Blum (09:24)
Well, that's the thing, you know, sooner or later, most likely, you're going to question that. And of course, things are very different now. Adoption is very different than it was then. But that's the way it was. And there was very little discussion of, you know, those kinds of stories or people searching for their birth parents or people trying to, you know, you know, understand what went on. That's the sort of thing that just wasn't talked about or certainly not in our house.

Matt Gilhooly (09:30)
Mm-hmm.

Alex Blum (09:53)
And I think there was even a sort of a perception that people that did that sort of thing were trying to fill a space inside themselves or there was, you know, there was like sort of a judgment about it. Like it was sort of uncool. Like, you don't do that kind of thing.

Matt Gilhooly (10:11)
Mm-hmm.

imagine it's not it wasn't as like widely talked about out loud either right in circles because society put shame around it for all parties in some way. Yeah.

Alex Blum (10:26)
100%, yeah, it wasn't

talked about at all. And you can imagine for a young woman in the 50s, my birth mother, being one of those, who she had an affair with a man who was married, she got pregnant, she had to give me up. I'm not real clear that she had a lot of other choices. I mean, because there was so much judgment at that time and also really no options.

Matt Gilhooly (10:47)
Mm-hmm.

Right? And the circumstances, you know, and even at the time, women couldn't have their own credit cards. So it's like, you know, I don't even have all these rights and these abilities to do things. And now I have to take care of a kid. you know, I think people make those decisions for all sorts of things that I could never even imagine trying to justify in my own. Like I have no idea what that would feel like. So I can't make a call whether that's a good or bad decision.

Alex Blum (10:55)
So for a young woman, yeah, very difficult set of circumstances.

Exactly. I can't really appreciate what it's like to be in a position like that. It can't have been good, that's for I guess when you ask the question about who am I and how did I get where I am, I've think, a pretty interesting life in a lot of ways and I've always been open to

Matt Gilhooly (11:25)
It just is. It's just a decision. Right? Yeah.

Alex Blum (11:48)
you know, experiment and try things and, you know, have new experiences and all that kind of stuff. a teenager, I was very rebellious. And that was sort of of the time, if you will, because I was a teenager in the late 60s. You know, I went away to boarding school in 1969, which was kind of the height.

of the 60s, right? 68, 69. was, you know, there was a lot of politics, there's a lot of change in the air, and, and, and all of that. So it was an incredibly dynamic time in the history of this country. And to be that age at a time like that, it's sort of, it's sort of supercharged the whole experience, because I sort of think that I

There's a sort of mirroring thing that goes you know, being a rebellious teenager anyway, and that's mostly directed at your parents and your family. And then to have that phenomenon played out in the politics of the country and the world at the same time is a really interesting kind of mirroring thing that doesn't always go on. So I think it really just heightened the whole nature of that time, if you will.

Matt Gilhooly (12:52)
Mm-hmm.

Alex Blum (13:08)
And it's made it all very kind of exaggerated in a funny way.

Matt Gilhooly (13:13)
mean, you were a teenager, so we can justify some of that that wild and rambunctious element. before that, you the adoption thing, did that ever? Was that ever like, sitting in the back of your mind of like, I don't belong or I feel different?

Alex Blum (13:27)
Well,

the adoption thing is one of those things, and again, I've heard this from other people, other adopted people. was something that kind of built a little bit in the back of my mind over the years, and it didn't really become, really didn't get into the forefront of my consciousness until I was probably,

you know, in my 30s maybe. But there were some moments, you know, for instance, when my oldest son, AJ, was born, I have a vivid memory and I was, how old was I, 28 years old at the time. And I remember being in the hospital, was New York Hospital on the east side of Manhattan. And I remember they gave him to me to hold. And I feel like the doctor, I feel like he already sort of wife was,

Matt Gilhooly (13:56)
Okay.

Alex Blum (14:22)
obviously worn out and maybe even sleeping and they handed him to me and I was holding him in my arms and I was looking out the window at the East River and It was night. It was like one o'clock in the morning and I looked at him and I thought You are the only person on earth that I know that I am actually related to that I am connected to like that by you know

Matt Gilhooly (14:48)
Mm.

Alex Blum (14:51)
I didn't think DNA, like by DNA, like, and I had this moment and I thought, wow, now this is, you know, this is something like it was sort of an epiphany. I'm all of sudden I thought, this is what this is all about. Like now I get it. Like this for I'm actually connected to this person by something that is not, you know, it's not objective sort of fundamental. So I had that, I had moments like that where I thought, okay, there's like, yeah, think about this a little bit.

Matt Gilhooly (15:04)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Alex Blum (15:18)
And I remember another moment where was in a therapist's office. And I've always had this experience. And I think I sort of related to the adoption issue a little bit. I've always had this experience of kind of seeing the world as a puzzle.

Like it's all like a Chinese box. Like I have to figure things out, you know, I don't like to take things for granted. Right. And I remember sitting in a therapist's office and we were having, I guess, a conversation about adoption. I don't really remember. And he said, well, there's a, there's a pretty well-known which is that a lot of adopted people have a pretty strong sense of not belonging, of feeling outside of things.

Matt Gilhooly (16:04)
Mm-hmm.

Alex Blum (16:08)
And I remember that was kind of a revelation. thought, okay, now here this guy has just described something for me that I sort of think I felt my whole life. Right? Yeah, kind of just this feeling of actually, it's interesting. Somebody had was talking to me about, you know, celebrities who have who were adopted and different things they've said. And I think it was Debbie Harry, you know, blondie. And she said, you know, I've always had this experience of feeling like an observer.

Matt Gilhooly (16:16)
Yeah, like an untethered kind of feeling.

Mm-hmm.

Alex Blum (16:38)
And I thought, right, you know, that's how feeling is kind of a weird thing, right?

Matt Gilhooly (16:43)
Yeah.

And so, but you didn't have like, as you're growing up, it wasn't like this front and center. I think I've talked to others that have felt like they always felt like they didn't belong in a space. Did you, you felt like family life was quote unquote normal for you? didn't feel.

Alex Blum (17:01)
Yeah, yes, I see, the thing is, my, landscape of my family, as I said, I grew up in a really waspy East Coast family. So there's a fairly distinct sense of distance a lot of the time that exists in families like that anyway. So our family was kind of like that. And so it was not a, it was great in a lot of ways. We had a lot of

good experience and we went to Europe and we did things, you know, I had an objectively really, you know, great upbringing, but the emotional landscape was not particularly warm and fuzzy. You know, it was not in an affectionate environment or anything like that. You know, it was, there was a lot of, you know, clever cocktail party conversation and amusing sarcasm and quite a lot of drinking.

And it was kind of a classic, kind of that story. So whether or not, but did I have, yeah, did I have a clear sort of something's weird around here kind of feeling? No, not particularly, I don't think.

Matt Gilhooly (18:09)
Okay.

I mean, that's good. just, you know, it's curious of, of how we as kids experience things like I lost my mom when I was eight. And I was suddenly living and doing everything with the parent that I didn't regularly live with and wasn't he was a present parent. It wasn't that it was just I wasn't used to being there. And I always, I felt like I had to perform and then all of a sudden that just became my

Alex Blum (18:25)
Yeah.

Matt Gilhooly (18:36)
my MO. Like I just was a perfectionist because all of it was because I was like, well, if I screw up, he's gonna leave me too. And so that like that kind of trauma. So it's interesting and it's beautiful. The fact that one you knew you were adopted, but yet your life felt quote unquote, normal for your experience and you didn't feel othered or, you know, and those kinds of things. But I think that's maybe from the people I've talked to that go on podcasts.

Alex Blum (18:44)
sure, yeah.

Matt Gilhooly (19:04)
it's probably a rarity to have that situation in which you didn't necessarily always feel othered in a way.

Alex Blum (19:14)
No, yeah, I agree, I agree. There's another funny experience I had with another therapist. I don't wanna give the impression that I spent all my time in therapy, but I've dipped in and out over the years quite a few times. And I remember this guy said to me,

Matt Gilhooly (19:27)
If you did, that's good.

Alex Blum (19:32)
was about fitting in somewhere. can't remember. Something to do with work or something like that. And he said, yeah, this is not surprising. He said, these people are not your tribe. And I thought, yeah. then I have this experience in life, I do, where I have these moments and then I rewind the tape all of a sudden because of somebody said.

Matt Gilhooly (19:42)
Hmm.

Alex Blum (19:56)
You know, and it's like, really wanted the tapes going backwards. And I'm like, okay, now I got to think about this in a different way. Right. And he said, yeah, he said that. And I thought, uh-huh. And then it ends up being a conversation about like, you can find yourself in this situation. And to your point before, I grew up, you know, didn't have all sorts of angst in the family about being adopted. you know, it wasn't like, I've like, I've heard these stories from somebody adopted people.

Matt Gilhooly (20:03)
Yeah, which can be really

Alex Blum (20:25)
and they're the only adopted one in the family and they really feel like they don't belong and it's not right. I've heard those kind of stories for sure and it was not like that. But this guy said this thing and I just again, you have this moment of recognition. He said, you know, they're not your tribe. They just don't smell right. And I just remember thinking, wow, okay. And I remembered having that experience with my parents when I was really young and just not, you know, you know.

When you have kids, and I don't know if you have kids, when you have kids, like, you just have this incredibly strong connection to them. And, you know, until they're teenagers, you love the way they smell, you know, it's like this thing. And I just never had that experience with my parents. was like, you know, they smell funny. They were like, they were super cool, but they were weird. was like, and so you have these weird moments of recognition.

or you just think, okay, that's interesting that you said that because never thought about it that way, but you know.

Matt Gilhooly (21:31)
It repaints

a lot of I mean, think some of these moments that we learn later in life, we look back and we're like, ⁓ maybe that wasn't as, as good as I thought that experience was now that I'm looking at it with with this particular lens. I mean, I love that you, you had a good growing up life as good as it was you saw you felt, you know, those you didn't have the the weight.

that some people have of feeling that way. So I love that and it pushed you forward so that you, I mean, sounds like you lived a really adventurous and fun life so far of things that you did and kind of building this family and now this blended family of 400 million people in your family. But take us closer to how life changed in a big way.

Alex Blum (22:17)
Yeah.

Well, so what happened was, as I was describing, my interest in this over the years grew as a result of these different experiences and things that would come up and stuff like that. And also, frankly, think because it was always clear to me that my birth parents, my adopted parents, particularly my mom, were not very

we're certainly not open to the subject of reconnection or birth or anything else. So I, you know, I think I took that on. So I think it's pretty unlikely while my adopted parents were alive that I would have pursued it anyway, because it was clearly cast as a loyalty thing. You know what I mean? And so, but after, you know, mom died in 2001

My dad died in 98, I guess. And freed me a little bit to be more open to the whole thing because at least I wasn't gonna be dealing with that kind of issue. so I was interested and I was on 23andMe. My wife, Andrea, gave it to me as a gift. So I went on 23andMe, which is kind of a funny experience because you get all this stuff. First you get some background about your

your ethnological or whatever you call it background, know where you're from and all this kind of stuff And then you start getting these messages. It's like oh you have new DNA relatives, right? And you get these messages and it's like you have 1.84 percent shared DNA with this person It's like that's everyone on earth. Like what are you talking about? So it's kind of comical and so I get to a point where I've been on 23andMe for years and I just sort of thought, know, whatever, you know, this isn't going

And then all of a sudden I got a message from a young woman who is actually my niece, Brooke. she had just gone on 23andMe and she said, know, and we had like over 20 % shared DNA, which is like, holy cow. And then it happened. Yeah. And it was just like that. And then, and then I immediately got connected to her dad, my brother Pete and my other two brothers, Hank.

Matt Gilhooly (24:31)
Who are you?

Alex Blum (24:41)
and built. And, you know, it was this incredible moment. It was like something amazing that falls from the sky. All of a sudden, this thing that I had had a question about that had been kind of a mystery to me my whole life. And all of sudden, there they are, these guys. And I know what happened. Like all of a sudden, there we are. And we're on the phone and we're talking. And we're comparing stories, if you will. It's like how they grew up, how I grew up, you know, what they knew what they didn't know. What was interesting was

mother told them that they had an older brother, because I'm the oldest, which obviously kind they said that she told them that I had died in childbirth. had a pretty bad problem with alcoholism and she was kind of a tricky personality and she used to tell them a lot of stuff they didn't believe.

And so was really funny the first time we got on the phone because they said, they told me that whole story and what she had said. And they said, you know, but the thing with her was we were often really suspicious of things that she told us. And there was something about the story that just didn't quite add up. And she used to say it a lot. Right. And so it was funny. I forget it was Peter Hanks said. So the thing about this is. not shocked.

You know, this is not like, ⁓ my God, this is like, finally, actually, we know the real story was their reaction to it. It was like the penny dropped. Now, finally, after all those years, they understood what really went on, what the real story was, which is sort of cool. But to the point of what you were saying before, you know, so that was the whole thing of being connected to my brothers. It was an amazing thing. It changes your life.

Matt Gilhooly (26:25)
Right.

Alex Blum (26:26)
And it's one of those things, I don't know if you have this experience, but often in life, think when really amazing things happen or big things happen, it's kind of big and small at the same time, right? Things change and they don't change. And my wife, Andrea, I think within a couple of days of the first phone call I had with them, she said to me, well, how do you feel?

you know, what do you feel like? And I said, well, you know, it's interesting. And you're going to find this may be a little strange, but the feeling I have is relief. It's like, I feel like this is a weight that I've been carrying around for so long. didn't, I've forgotten I was even carrying it. I didn't even notice. And all of a sudden, here it is. It's like,

Matt Gilhooly (27:03)
How so?

Alex Blum (27:17)
It's like this weight has just been taken off my shoulders and now I know, I know the story. I know what happened. And again, exactly what you said though, it's as if that big moment.

It takes you, it took me back to the original moment, right? So there's a big moment which has been connected to my brothers. And there was the other big moment, which was being given up for adoption and starting your life with a mystery, right? So it's two things at once. It's my experience in the present, which is incredibly fortunate. Like I feel like I am so fortunate that this happened. It could easily have not happened. You know, it kind of happened even, you know,

Matt Gilhooly (27:55)
Right.

Alex Blum (27:59)
as a result of a coincidence. And it's very positive, right? I'm not traumatized and I wasn't traumatized before. It's not one of those stories, right? And at the same time, it took me all the way back to the beginning of my life where I got to look at that moment and say, okay, now I have the context for that moment. And it kind of illuminates

a lot of things that happened after I think you said something like this. It illuminates a lot of things that came after and it gives me the perspective to look at them and look at myself like and my emotional self and say,

you know, why was I such a pain in the ass? Like, why was I always pushing? Why was I always questioning everything? Why, you know, you look at things and you say, okay, well, maybe this is part of it because you have this question you can't answer. And so you're always constantly trying to dig at everything and understand things and have the whole story and figure it all out. So it's like these two moments separated by, you know, 60 years, you know.

Matt Gilhooly (28:45)
Right.

Well, and I would imagine something like that. And don't let me put this feeling on you. But I think I would feel that I would have like mixed emotions that like I would be maybe upset that I didn't look sooner, that I didn't find these people sooner than I might put on angry feelings with my adopted parents, because they didn't allow me to have these relations. Did any of those complex emotions come into play because I feel like

It can all be sunshine and rainbows, or maybe it can, but for me it feels like it might be a little bit more complex.

Alex Blum (29:39)
Well, that's an interesting question, actually. There's a couple of things that kind of relate to that. One of them is a story, the story's in my book. When I was a kid, my parents, I remember going down to visit a family in Connecticut.

And they had three boys and I don't know who they were. the four of us like played baseball in the street and we went to McDonald's and we did a whole bunch of stuff. And I never saw those people again and I don't know who they were. And it wasn't my brothers, but it could have been. I mean, that's how close it is, right? The nature of coincidence in life and you know, all that stuff, sensitive dependence on initial conditions and all this other stuff.

You know, it's that and it's such a funny feeling and I've talked to my brothers about this and and You know for all of it when I first told the story Hank said, you know that made my hair stand on it know, it was like that was so strange hearing that story Because that's how close we could have come. We could have literally been in the same room and not known we were brothers Right. So there's something emotionally very

kind of eerie about that, kind of strange. there was another thing that happened. And my adopted brother's wife, my sister-in-law at the time, was actually working for the adoption agency that my brother and I were adopted from. And it turns out she was actually working

with the caseworker that had placed us. And there was a little bit of a thing about it because, you know, again, because when I was adopted, it was really firewall that nobody was supposed to communicate with anything. And my sister-in-law, you know, got was getting a little bit of information about it. And, know, they shut it down really fast. And that was the end of it. And it was sort of like.

put it in the drawer, lock the drawer, everybody stopped. Yeah, the agency, and also my mom was very negative about it, had a big attitude about my sister-in-law. But you gotta ask yourself to your point, at that point, that person, that woman who had placed us was still alive. At that point, my mother was still alive. You know what I mean? So there is that moment where you think, okay, you know, there was a moment there when

Matt Gilhooly (31:46)
The agency?

Alex Blum (32:13)
could have all, you know, all of a sudden been brought out into the light and discovered and it wasn't. You know, I'm not angry about it. You know, it's just one of those weird things. It's like, it could have happened then, but it didn't. That's how close it was, but it didn't quite happen, right?

Matt Gilhooly (32:30)
Well, good on you for being a better human than me. I feel like I would have some kind of anger that I didn't get to choose my path when I was old enough to do so, I guess, because you felt like you couldn't because, you know, your parents were still alive and they really didn't want that for you. But at the same time, I think I would be a smaller human and be angry about that. I might not have done anything about it, but I might.

you know, later on in life finding out that so-and-so, like I have these fully formed human brothers and people that I could have been connecting with, I guess there would be some kind of feeling. I mean, there's nothing you can do about it, but at the same time, I'm probably more petty than you are.

Alex Blum (33:15)
Well, you one of the things that I feel about it is that, and I guess probably one of the reasons I wrote, you know, I wrote my book is that thing is we, my brothers and I, the four of us, and all of us, we're not, you know, we're not exceptional, per se. We're not traumatized. We don't have one of those stories. Like adoption as a,

Phenomenon is complicated. I mean, of course everything in life is complicated like I get that but adoption is complicated and I think You know, it would be nice if adoptees, know, particularly at my generation or you know Extended whatever, you know felt like they had permission to kind of question their experience and you know connect to how they feel about it and

The thing that I've found kind of amazing since I started writing the book and it's been, it's been six or seven years, took me four or five years to write it. And then you have the editing and the whatever and all that. Anyway, so it's being released next month, but it's been all these number of people that I've encountered, adopted people, there are so many adoption stories, it's crazy. And a lot of them are not happy stories. Like I've been on,

phone calls, groups of people, and a lot of them are really traumatized by their experience. And I am not traumatized by my experience. It is a very emotionally evocative experience. And when I was writing my book, most of the time, I felt very, you know, kind of circumspect about it. And then I got towards the end, like the last third of the book, and all of sudden I found I was having this really emotional experience of like, really thinking about adoption and what it means and how you feel and all this kind of stuff.

And it was sort of, it was like a bit of a discovery. thought, you know, I didn't really think I had that strong that many strong feelings about this. you know, guess what? I have more than I thought. You know?

Matt Gilhooly (35:15)
Yeah. Well, and sometimes

I think we can hear other stories and it unveils things that maybe like your envelope that you were carrying and was sealed kind of thing. just, you get reminded or you, like you said, certain people in your life say something to you, like your therapist, and all of a sudden things start to unravel or expose themselves in different ways that they weren't. And I think sometimes we can take that on through story, which I think is good. It just gives us another layer of perspective.

maybe is true or not, but it's allowed in our, you know, emotions and whatnot. I love that you have a story. I think there are some really great adoption stories like yours in which people are grateful that they adopted because of the circumstances that their birth parents were in at the time. you know, and then they reunite and they're also like, it's a beautiful relationship because it's a mutual understanding. So

I don't mean to put any kind of feelings on anyone. I think it gives you this opportunity now to meet these people that are your, are they close to your age?

Alex Blum (36:28)
Yeah, we're all, we're, my brother Hank is two years younger than me. My brother Pete's four years younger than me. And my brother Bill is eight years younger than me. So we're all pretty close in age, you know, and again, the older you get, the less it matters, you know. So, so yeah, we're close in age. Yeah.

Matt Gilhooly (36:38)
Yeah. You're all grown. Yeah. all lived full lives, right? And

to your earlier point, you have now these new best friends that like suddenly came overnight, yet you have more things to talk about, because you don't, you don't know all their life. And you can hear all the things that they got to do. And it kind of must does how does that feel like learning something new about people that are

like your son when he was born in that story, you're tethered to them.

Alex Blum (37:13)
Well, first of all, the whole thing is a gift. Like I'm not And in addition, we have this experience which we kind of talk about as parallel lives. So when we got reconnected, we started, they had a kind of a practice of having regular Zoom calls and we

picked up on that. And so we have a zoom call scheduled every Friday. And we've been doing it now for like, you know, seven years. I mean, you know, we miss Friday, you know, whatever, but it's a real regular thing. We talk a lot. And so in a way, I wrote this book, it kind of grew out of those conversations, because we started having these conversations about how they grew up and how I grew up. And there was a thing that they did in the 50s and 60s. I think it was a, you know, I guess we

you know, maybe it was a practice that a lot of adoption agencies, what they would try and do, and I get that there was Catholic adoption agencies and Jewish adoption and all that, but I think they used to try to kind of match adoptees and adopted children, kind of situationally, they tried to put people in families that in some way had some of the same backgrounds. So it's kind of funny because

My brothers and I have a lot of similarities that way and so we just have this shared experience thing this parallel lives thing and we we've spent a lot of time talking over the years about What they were doing and what I was doing and where they were and where I was and you know Just exchanging pictures and all sorts of stuff. So so we kind of have this dialogue that goes on about You know how they grew up and who they are

you know, who they were and who they are and what they've been through and all that. And of course, there's a lot of parallels between their lives and things they went through and and mine. you know, that's been a hmm. They grew up in Darien, Connecticut. mean, they were right there. So, you know, I grew up in New York City and my mother's family had a had a family place up in northwestern Connecticut. So we grew up in the same part of the country.

Matt Gilhooly (39:08)
far away did they grow up? How far away from you did they grow up?

Alex Blum (39:24)
You know, know pretty close to each other. Yeah

Matt Gilhooly (39:27)
Yeah.

Do think there's something more special that you got reconnected at this point in your life versus had you been reconnected at 20 or 30 now that you've lived this full life that you've had all these children and you're you know, is there some is is there I don't know where this question is coming from. But is there is it deeper because you've met them at this point in your life? Or do think it would younger? I don't know.

Alex Blum (39:56)
That's a very, that's a really interesting question. You know what? I, and I'm not sure I've thought about it that way. I think, well, I can say the obvious thing, which is, you know, things happen the way they're meant to happen. People love to say stuff like that, like I think, well, first of all, I think if any of the parents had still been alive, it would have been much more complicated. My mother, my birth mother, their mother and mine,

was, by information, I believe, pretty traumatized by the whole thing. From what we understand, she didn't really want to give me up and it wasn't a great experience. you know, I don't know what it would be like for... I don't know what it would be like for her to all of sudden been confronted with like, okay, here's the child that I gave up. You know, I don't know, that could be difficult. And I've heard...

stories from adopted people who have found their birth, particularly mothers, and it hasn't been good. The birth mothers have been like, you know what, I can't do this, I'm not up for this. So, I mean, I'm sure it sounds strange, but I've heard quite a few of those stories. And my adopted mother, she would not have been happy. That would not have been good for her. my father as well.

Matt Gilhooly (41:15)
Right.

Alex Blum (41:19)
how he would have reacted exactly, I'm not really clear, but it wouldn't have been good. So in that sense, I think we were fortunate. So that puts it into the envelope of 20 years or so. And I actually, do think it's just better this way. think it happened, yeah, it would have been nice, I guess, if it happened a little earlier. We had a little bit more time, but.

You know, I just, have no complaints. Like the whole thing is so miraculous in the first place that I don't, it doesn't occur to me to wonder if there's a better version. Sort of like, I'm pretty happy with this version, you know?

Matt Gilhooly (41:54)
Yeah,

and part of I think that question came from the a lot of us in our 20s 30s are quite emotionally immature. And so part of me wonders like, had you made the connection at that age? Would you understand the value that you do now? The connection that you can have the relationship as you were talking about earlier of like

Alex Blum (42:04)
Mm-hmm.

Matt Gilhooly (42:20)
creating best friends at this point in your life, like as we get older, it gets harder. At 20, I think we were 30, we take it things, know, like it just, we just assume that everything is just going to keep coming to Yeah.

Alex Blum (42:33)
Well, it is funny though. understand what you're saying because

there is this feeling. think you often have, and I'm sorry to keep saying this, but I wrote about this in my book as well. You know, have these experiences sometimes in life where you're something great. Like I spent my first job was in an advertising agency in Paris. So I lived in Paris for a year at the beginning of my career. Okay. Well, for a variety of reasons, even though I could have stayed, came back to the States.

Right. At that point in your life, when you're 20, I don't know what I would, you 22 or something, 23, you think you're inclined to think that experiences that you're having that are kind of amazing are experiences you're going to be able to repeat. But you know what? More often than not, they're not. That's it. Right. think your point is interesting. I'm not sure. I'm sure that I wouldn't have appreciated this the same way.

Matt Gilhooly (43:21)
Right?

Alex Blum (43:31)
I don't know that I would have appreciated how unusual it was. And at this point in my life, what's the expression? So soon old, so late smart.

You know, I do feel with all the experiences I've had and everything I've done in my life and the mistakes I've made and the things I've done right, you know, you do acquire a certain amount of wisdom, I think, I hope, you know, it's a little bit like a bank account. You know, you have all these experiences and you keep accumulating them. And I feel like sooner or later, hopefully it's sort of like a bank account and you can dip into it, you know, and it improves your experience. And so I think.

Matt Gilhooly (43:55)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Alex Blum (44:13)
Yeah, it's probably better now. I'm not sure I would have taken it in in the same way, you know, and I was, I, I probably

I don't know how to, I'm not sure. I don't know that I hadn't experienced that much adversity. Well, I may not be accurate, but I just think you learn a lot in your life and you learn to be, maybe I hope for me anyway, I hope that I've learned to be a little more appreciative of the things that happen, you know.

Matt Gilhooly (44:34)
I mean, at four months old. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I think as we mature, we just see the value in what getting three brothers that you didn't necessarily know about overnight, right? Like, I feel like younger versions of us would be like, cool, like we can go play ball or, you know, like whatever, but not see the really deep rooted value that can come from building these types of relationships.

Alex Blum (44:56)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Exactly. And maybe at that point in life, you're, you're, you're more inclined to have judgment. Like, I like this guy better than the other guy. It's like, no, let's not do that. That would be real waste. Yeah.

Matt Gilhooly (45:19)
Right. Or you might not even care. Like I feel like

at 20, like I would not I know 100 % at 20 something, I would not be able to have these types of conversations with people like about really hard moments, really cool moments. I was so self absorbed and you know, lost in grief and all everything was a big hot mess. And so like I wouldn't have wanted to come upon this in my 20s. So really minimizing

your experience here, but pulling it into something that I can relate to, it's like, in my 40s, far more valuable to have these types of conversations. So I think it's cool that you were able to do this and well, you were able to. Life happened and it happened in a good way like this. What made you want to write a book about it though? Like you could have just lived in the moment.

Alex Blum (46:11)
Well, that was just a thing.

sort of always knew I was going to write a book and I've written, I don't know, I've written a bunch of unproduced screenplays and a bunch of stuff over the years. it I'm not like, you know, I'm not the guy that's going to go write Lord of the Rings, you know. I have a lot of respect people that write fantasy and I have no idea how they do it. It's like.

Matt Gilhooly (46:32)
long.

Alex Blum (46:37)
Well, and of course, you know, here this I'm going to say something unpopular, you know, Tolkien took three quarters of what's in Lord of the Rings from old Norse myths and all kinds of stuff. You know, it's not like that was all, you know, created out of whole cloth, which is fine. Everybody does think it just sort of came to me. So so suddenly there was the story like I feel like I had all these thoughts and

Matt Gilhooly (46:52)
All

Alex Blum (47:04)
experiences and whatnot in my life. And this was sort of the it was like the origin story that made it possible. Like, I started talking to my brothers and all of sudden I sort of thought I get it. I get what's going on here. And it just sort of came to me. I just said to them, you know, you guys, you okay if I write about this? Like, I'm gonna write it. I think I'm gonna write a book about it. And they were like, sure, great. Let's do it. You know.

Matt Gilhooly (47:27)
What did you learn

most about yourself as you were writing this? Because I'm sure there were parts that were interesting.

Alex Blum (47:32)
Well, there's a lesson

that I've learned and I keep trying to learn every day. And I've learned this in business and I've learned this in a lot of parts of life, which is one of the best pieces of advice you can give yourself is say less. And there was a lot of learning of that as I was writing because

clarity is, you know, good writing, you you got to have clarity. And so my goal was to write my story and be as honest and truthful as I could be and to be as clear as I could be and to, you know, be as straightforward as I can be. And it's kind of funny because my wife and we work together, as I said, as well. the thing about my writing

that she likes the least when I do it is she'll, I'll do something and she'll go, okay, don't do this. This is like clever bullshit. Like don't do that. So there was a good deal of that was like, yeah, strip away that stuff and just really try to be clear. So that was a real exercise, you know, to get, to be a better writer.

Matt Gilhooly (48:44)
Yeah, you'll

find that, I guess that that happens to hopefully to most people that are going through the writing journey, but not everyone. I this question just popped in my mind. I was curious how meeting your brothers, your biological brothers for the first time, how does how did that affect your relationship with the brother that you grew up with? Did it?

Alex Blum (49:07)
He's my my brother Jonathan. He's great. He's really funny. He's older. He's three years older than I am. So as I went through this process, so this happened and first, you know, obviously I was telling my kids and my step kids and they were all in there. They were all great. They were like, ⁓ this is amazing story. Dad is so cool. Whatever. And then, you know, kind of the group of people that shared it got wider and was some close friends and things like that.

And that was all really great. And I was frankly a little worried about my brother that he might be upset by it or he might feel that it in some way changed our relationship or something like that. So I was a little bit worried about it. I called him up and said, well, I got a story I got to tell you. Just something I need to tell you. And he's like, great. So I tell him the whole story and how it happened and the whole thing.

brothers and this and that and I get the whole thing and I get to the end and I said to him, so, you know, what do think? And he goes, you gotta have a party.

He's got to love him. He's so great. He was like, okay. Which of course, and I thought I should have known. Of course he wasn't going to have a problem with it. Like he's just not that person. Right. And since then he's found some of his birth family. He found his sister. you know, there we go.

Matt Gilhooly (50:19)
Yeah.

Right. Yeah. Well, I

good.

Yeah, I mean, I think I think it's great. I think, you know, there could be a situation in which your the brother that you grew up with your adoptive brother would feel. I mean, like your parents did, you know, and maybe resentful that he hadn't found anyone yet, or like, he's being replaced or whatever, all these things that can come up, which don't necessarily always hold weight, but they do for that person. So, I mean, just a legit question, I guess, to see how how

Alex Blum (50:46)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Matt Gilhooly (51:04)
that could affect people.

Alex Blum (51:04)
No, it is.

And it's certainly conceivable. And I was worried about it. I thought, I don't want him to be upset. Like, that would not be good. If he was upset about it, that would bother me. So I was relieved, obviously. It was great. I was like, thank, you know, thank God that was not a problem. Yeah.

Matt Gilhooly (51:10)
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Was

looking back at your, getting contacted by your niece, was there, where was the biggest shock moment? Was it opening the email? Was it telling your wife? Okay.

Alex Blum (51:30)
It was opening the email. It was opening the email.

I was just like, I wasn't of course thinking about it at all. We had been on vacation. We were living in LA at the time. We had been on vacation. I sit down. I mean, it's kind of a long story. was COVID and we, whatever. We had started our company. We were working from our dining room table because two of our kids were living with us, which was not expected. You know, it was like this whole thing.

And so I sit down there and I open up my computer and I just see this message and I read the message. I'm like, my God. It was just, yeah, that was the moment right there where it was like, ⁓ my God, Holy cow. Like really? After all these years, you know,

Matt Gilhooly (52:04)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And now

you could go back. What is that? Seven years ago you said or something like that. Okay. So you go back to that version and be like, get ready. You're going to have these best friends and you're going to have a much larger family these days.

Alex Blum (52:14)
It was 2019.

Well, and it was funny when I got on the phone with my there was this thing, it was like, this happened, and then one of them reached out on Facebook and the other on LinkedIn, Andrea was on Facebook and LinkedIn, everybody's looking at everything. And so this is all this thing, and I just said, why don't we just get on the phone, I have a conference call, like, what are we doing

Matt Gilhooly (52:46)
you created these relationships who didn't know that you were going to have and I was talking about like if this version of you could tell that version like buckle up buddy.

Alex Blum (52:56)
we were on the phone and my brother Hank, who's a very, he's a very perceptive, more perceptive, like really just genuinely nice person. And he said to me, it was really funny, we're on the phone and he goes, know, like, please understand that we don't want you to move any faster than you feel comfortable and we don't want you to feel any pressure and all this stuff.

And it was really fun and I felt like it was so considerate of him. And I was like, dude, I'm all in. It's like, it's okay. Like there's no, you I'm great wherever this goes, I'm good. And you know, they were too.

Matt Gilhooly (53:23)
Yeah, that's awesome.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, it seems like a beautiful story that you continue to write and you're able to. A chapter that you probably never maybe anticipated happening in your life, right? Based on how... Yeah.

Alex Blum (53:44)
Oh, at that point, I didn't think it was going to happen.

mean, literally, I thought, well, and I had an experience which was weird. Did you were you a fan of the TV show Mad Men?

Matt Gilhooly (53:55)
No, I did watch it, so I can't say I wasn't a fan.

Alex Blum (53:57)
Well, we were huge fans and we watched it. We watched it several times all the way through, but there's a moment. So it all takes place right in the early sixties for the most part, late fifties and early sixties at exactly this time. And there's a scene and there's a scene in the show. There's a thing that happens where one of the young women who works for the advertising agency, you know, has sex with a guy and gets pregnant and it's the fifties. And so she

has to give her child up for adoption. And there's a scene that takes place in the hospital. And the show is very well from a production design point of view. So much of what happened in that show was so familiar to me. Like his office looked just like my father's office. it was very immediate. Like was so well done. There's a scene in the hospital where she gives up her baby. And I didn't know, I didn't see it coming. And before any of this obviously happened and we're sitting in our family room.

watching the show and this all of a sudden there's a scene where Don Draper, the hero of the show, advertising guy goes to the hospital to see her and he says to her, you know, didn't happen. You're going to get on with the rest of your life and you're going to forget about this. I had to leave the room. It was just, I was just like, I can't watch. No, I can't watch this. This is not good for me. It was, and I just totally was.

Matt Gilhooly (55:19)
Yeah, it was.

Alex Blum (55:22)
not expecting it. So I was sort of shocked and I literally got up and walked in the other room.

Matt Gilhooly (55:28)
mean, in a small way, think, like people hearing your story, they might see parts of their story in you and in like that Mad Men moment, hopefully they don't get up and walk out. But in this situation, maybe they feel validated in a way that they are inspired to reach out to someone that might be connected to them or any of those things. And I think sometimes when we see those things reflected back at us, it can get uncomfortable at first. But you know, I think it leaves a mark in a

Alex Blum (55:35)
Mm-hmm.

Matt Gilhooly (55:58)
sometimes in a good way, to know that like, yeah, to know that like, this situation that your birth mom went through and what you went through is not necessarily unique to you. You are part of a bigger culture of people that have had similar experiences, good, bad and indifferent. But, you know, I think there's something about community in that way when we see it reflected back at us.

Alex Blum (56:00)
I would hope so.

definitely think, I mean, I would definitely, I would hope so. And I think that's hopefully a benefit of writing a book like this is that people can find themselves in, in it and, and perhaps, you know, relate to your experience and feel in some way, I don't know, supported or understood or something. It's like, you know, that experience you have sometimes really, it's one of the things I like about reading and about literature and all kinds of stuff where you just think.

Matt Gilhooly (56:28)
Yeah.

Alex Blum (56:52)
All right, I'm not crazy. It's not the first time anybody ever thought that thing that I thought that day when that happened, you know.

Matt Gilhooly (56:53)
Exactly.

Yeah. Yeah.

But until we see that we feel weird or we feel like why am I thinking this way? No, I love it. First, tell us the name of your book and then tell us like how people can find it. The book will be out by the time this episode comes out. So like what's the best way to find you? Maybe they want to tell you their story. Maybe they want to definitely want to read your book. Tell us the best way to find you.

Alex Blum (57:17)
Well, the book's called An Accident of Birth, it will be ⁓ on Amazon. It'll be all over the place. They can find it easily. mean, right now, is, in fact, it's up there. There's an e-book pre-order right now, but the print book will be out on May 12th. So that should be easy to find. And you're raising an interesting question. I don't know.

what happens if people wanna reach out? I don't actually know, it's good question.

Matt Gilhooly (57:50)
Well, if you have a website and you want to share that with me, we can put it on in the show notes. Yeah.

Alex Blum (57:54)
Actually, I do. Good

point. I have a website. It's talexblom.com. That's the website for the book. So yes, it's there.

Matt Gilhooly (58:00)
Perfect. So put a contact form on there. I just, think there's so much

power, you know this, there's so much power in telling your story and sometimes listeners, maybe they've never shared a certain part and they feel compelled because you shared something that it triggered in them and just encourage people to connect with others and share their story. So whether you want it or not, I'm putting them on blast and they're coming to you.

Alex Blum (58:22)
Go for it, yeah. Go for

it. And I'm sure you've had that experience a lot. I wouldn't doubt given the work you do, that would be, yeah.

Matt Gilhooly (58:25)
Yeah. Yeah. It's,

it's just, there's such power in telling a story, being a part of someone's story or like witnessing someone sharing their story. So I highly encourage people to reach out to you, check the links in the show notes to find your book. As I said, it's already out by the time this episode comes out. So congratulations on your publication. And I appreciate you wanting to be a part of the life shift and tell your story in this way.

Alex Blum (58:47)
Great.

Thank you.

Well, you know, it's a privilege. I really appreciate it. And I really enjoyed talking to you and, you know, thanks.

Matt Gilhooly (59:03)
You are most welcome. I tell this I've done this 259 times now and I don't know how to end these shows. So I'm going to say thank you. And I'm going to say I will be back next week with a brand new episode. Thanks again, Alex.

Alex Blum (59:14)
Great.

Matt Gilhooly (59:15)
Thank you for listening to the Life Shift Podcast. If you wanna learn more, go to www.thelifeshiftpodcast.com.

There you can check out all the different episodes. You can check out the blog, some of the reviews for the podcast and the Life Shift journal. Links are there so you can purchase your own copy, whether in digital or print format. Thanks again.