Beyond the Screen: Identity, Motherhood, and Mental Health | Alessandra Torresani

00:00
But on set, I had my first panic attack and I didn't know what a panic attack was. Now the good thing was is that no one saw this panic attack happen except for the makeup and hair girls because it happened in their trailer. But I started blacking out, I started feeling like I was having a stroke, I couldn't feel my tongue, like I was going in and out. And my grandmother had just had a stroke. And so I was like, oh, I'm having a stroke like she is. I had no idea that that's what it was. So.

00:29
They called a set doctor and they were like, hey, you know, can you help her out? She's feeling a little panicky or whatever. I was like, I don't know what this feeling is. And he was really lovely and he shared with me probably, I say this all the time, he should have never shared with me what celebrity it was, but he shared with me that a celebrity on a set had a panic attack just a week, couple days before or a week before or something. And that he gave this celebrity the same, you know, beta blocker that I had, like to slow my heart rate down and calm me down.

00:59
just to put me at ease. And it was not meant out of a, cause this person talks about mental health, so it wasn't like a bad doctor, but it was like a way to calm me down because I was so losing my mind and spiraling that like my career was over and everything is gonna be bad because of this one moment that no one saw but hair and makeup because I was crying so excessively. Right? But I panicked so much. And then no one could do anything about it.

01:27
Therapists were like, I don't know, she's just maybe depressed. I don't know. So my big life shift moment was... Today's guest is the talented Alessandra Torresani. Many of you may know Alessandra for her work as an actress in Caprica and The Big Bang Theory, but today's conversation goes beyond those roles on screen. We discuss her life as a mother, a mental health advocate, and really just as a woman navigating her own personal evolution.

01:58
A significant portion of our conversation revolves around mental health. It's a topic that's very close to Alessandra's heart. She shares her perspective on how her mental illness is just a part of her, but does not define her. It's really a viewpoint that's not only impactful, but also instrumental in breaking this stigma around mental health that we talk about on so many of these episodes. As we dig a little deeper into Alessandra's journey, we also touch upon her experiences with motherhood and how her mental health plays into her journey as a mother.

02:27
She really speaks passionately about her role as a mother and how she's thriving despite some of the challenges that she faced early on in the journey. Alessandra's story is a testament to the strength of the human spirit and the transformative power of just being vulnerable. Before we jump into the episode, I'd like to thank my Patreon supporters. Specifically, I'd like to thank Emily for supporting two episodes every single month. She has been around since the very beginning.

02:54
and she actually got to hear some of these episodes before they even aired, before the podcast launched. So thank you, Emily, for supporting me and supporting the show. And if you are interested in joining the Patreon community, please head over to patreon.com slash the Life Shift podcast and you can see information about all the tiers that are over there. And if you join, you'll automatically be entered into the t-shirt giveaway that I do every time five more people join the Patreon. So thank you for your support.

03:23
And without further ado, I'd like to introduce you to Alessandra Torresani. I'm Matt Gilhooly and this is The Life Shift. Candid conversations about the pivotal moments that have changed lives forever.

03:48
Hello, my friends. Welcome to the LifeShift Podcast. I am here with Alessandra. Hello. Hi. I'm so excited to be here. Thank you for being here. You know, I just said it, that I always get a little bit nervous before all of these episodes. One, because, you know, typically we talk about some pretty deep stuff, but also when there's someone that knows podcasting and knows and understands it, it makes me a little bit more nervous. Well, I think...

04:15
First of all, don't be nervous. Secondly, I get nervous every single time and I almost find myself praying and hoping that they cancel right before. And I used to do that all the time with my auditions. I'd be like, you know what? I might just walk out. Like after I'd signed my name and I'm like, I don't know. But it's just that initial like first leap, you know? And you don't know, like is someone gonna be funny like.

04:40
Like I've had interviews where I thought, sorry, I'm like taking this over already, but I mean, I've had interviews where I thought that people would be like a certain person, I will say, would be really fun and bubbly and outgoing because that's what their persona is, maybe in the public eye. And then they ended up being very quiet, very reserved. And you're just like, it's like pulling teeth to like get anything out. I'm like, you know what you signed up for on this podcast? Like, it's not like I'm...

05:09
you know, like surprise, like, let's get emotional. Like the show is called Emotional Support. Like, you know what it is. So I think that it's that initial like, oh my God, you know, what's it gonna be like? You know, it's like a first date. It is, and it can be scary. And I'm glad that you're not, that you've explained kind of what I do. And sometimes I'm like, ooh, are they gonna cancel? Would that be too bad? You know, but it would be, because I think these conversations are super important. And

05:38
I broke my own rules with this podcast. Typically, I don't like to know too much about my guests coming on, because sometimes I feel like that, like you said, you kind of know their persona and you're like expecting certain pieces. But we actually had the opportunity to talk to the same person on the podcast, on our podcast. And so I wanted to listen to that, because at least I had like a familiar voice in there.

06:05
in the conversation with Jillian that you had about her dating app and using analytics and data to like determine. It's so wild. Yeah. Yeah, it's nuts. So I listened. And so I got a little taste of who you are and what you do and what I was really inspired by and the whole point of emotional support. And I said that intentionally like that if you're listening, because I'm assuming that's part of your first name. Yeah, everyone calls me Al. It's part of your podcast.

06:34
You know, it was just, it kind of made sense. I was like, oh, I'm emotional. Yeah, and it's so great because we grew up in this generation of when things were bad, we had to keep that to ourselves. When things were sad, I told you this before recording, so anyone listening that hasn't listened before, this show, The Life Shift, really started because when I was a kid, my mom was killed in a single vehicle accident and...

07:01
My parents were divorced, they lived thousands of miles away, and I always lived with my mom, and then suddenly my life was no longer what we had all dreamed about, right? It was never going to be the same. But no one around me knew what to do. Right, right. There was nobody talking about mental health. There was no one talking about how do you help an eight-year-old grieve loss? Yeah, like how do you help a 35, however old my dad was?

07:30
How do you help the single father, who wasn't really a primary parent for so long, now become both? And so, so much of my growing up, it took me 20 years to grieve my mom's death, properly, I would say. And for so long, I just assumed that I had to show everyone that I was okay, that I was happy, that I was gonna be okay. And so when I had the opportunity to start the podcast, I wanted to talk to people about these moments that changed things.

08:00
so that someone out there listening could listen and go, oh, my feelings are valid. I'm going to be OK, or I can be OK. There is hope. And so I'm sure that people will listen to your podcast, feel the same way, because you're open, and you're honest about your journey. And so thank you for putting what you put into the world. Thank you. I mean, I hope so, and almost like in a very selfish way.

08:25
I'm sure you can relate to this where it feels like quite therapeutic every day, coming on and having conversations with different people and realizing you're not alone. You're not alone. We all go through something. And you're not weird. You're not weird at all. You're cool and you're special and you're unique. I think that that's awesome. I do too. The last point on this when you said it's healing or therapeutic, I now think that...

08:54
more of me is walking with that eight-year-old version of me, like walking alongside and kind of helping him heal in the ways that like, I don't think when I started this that I realized there were still areas that I mean it's a work. I'm sure it's something that will never go away completely, you know what I mean? And you almost like don't want it to go away completely because it's a way for you.

09:18
I don't know, maybe to like hold on to your mom too and have her like walk by your side, you know? And I think that there's something special about that. And I think that when we lose people, like we look for signs and like, what a great like thing that you're doing, you know, and I'm sure your mom is like, not to make you like super emotional, but like, I'm a firm believer in, you know, guardian angels and guiding you along the way and you're giving a platform to people.

09:47
for them to be able to share maybe something that's on their heaviness that they want to get off or someone's listening and they're like, oh my God, I relate to this and I've never heard something traumatic happen to someone else and I'm able to get through it. We don't hear those success stories a lot. People love to post on the news when people take their lives or hurt other people or harm, but people don't talk about the successes behind thriving with...

10:17
mental illness with grievances. They don't talk about that. That's not something that's celebrated. No, I think it's so important. And I'm so glad that now I have your podcast to listen to and hear people do that. And so we've already established that you have a wonderful podcast that's very important. But also maybe before you kind of tell us about your journey up to this pivotal moment in your life or these pivotal moments, if we want to say that.

10:47
Maybe you can give us a snippet of like who you are in this version of your life. Like, now, what do you identify as? Yeah. Funny that you ask, what do I identify as? Be a lot because I just got off doing an episode of my show with someone who's a co-host. Sometimes he comes on. He's a friend of mine. He's a neuroscientist. And I was just sharing with him in the episode how I'm having an identity crisis.

11:14
that I don't know who I am, that I know that I'm a mom and I know that I'm an actress and I know that I'm a wife, but I don't really know like who I am anymore. Like I'm not the person that I was before and it's okay to grieve that, like that I'm never gonna be that single person that has carefree attitude. I love the role that I'm in as a mom. It sounds cliche, but I feel like I was born to do it, specifically to my daughter. But.

11:43
I don't know who I am right now. And I think that it's something, this like existential crisis, maybe it's a midlife crisis, maybe it's a mom crisis. But I know that it's something that I'm trying to figure out who I am right now. And it's quite scary. And I'm not gonna go and buy like a Ferrari or a Porsche, you know, like most 40 year old men would try to do. But I'm just trying to figure out what is the next stage of my life? Like what is the next version?

12:14
of me. So to answer your question, I don't know who I identify as right now. I know that I identify as a strong human that knows my mental illness is there. It's a part of me. It always will be, but it does not identify who I am. And I know that I'm thriving at being a mom and I'm being kick ass at that. But now to figure out like...

12:43
who I am in the grand scheme of things. I don't know. I mean, add caring human to that and the space that you're holding for people when you're having these conversations on your podcast. I'll take that. Yes. But you know what? This is off topic. Well, maybe it's not. I think there's something to what you said about like, it's a crisis because I don't know that it is. I think we've been fed that we have to find something to identify as. Like we have to be,

13:13
this label, we have to be this. Maybe we don't. Maybe the point is, is that we're just like on this journey of growing and if we're not growing, then maybe it's a crisis, but you're just evolving. And I think that that's what's so scary is I'm evolving at such a fast pace that I can't quite collect my thoughts because as soon as I have a moment to sit down to collect my thoughts, I mean to wake my daughter up.

13:42
she needs to have a bath or, you know, like, so the second I have that moment, so it's about finding myself again and getting back into a structure. I'm someone that really truly thrives in structure. I thrive in patterns. I think mathematically, like it just, it works for me. And so when I'm off balance and I am all over the place and there is no structure, it throws the whole trajectory off. So it's about just like refinding it again.

14:10
and getting back and finding time because I find myself saying, where did the time go? Like all the time. And it seems like everything is so great and in order on social media, but do I cry a couple of times a week? Absolutely. Am I overwhelmed? Am I drained? Do I feel like I can't do this alone? Like absolutely, I'm sorry. I don't know if you swear on this, but I say this. You're a human?

14:37
Is that what you're saying? So I'm a human, but people don't see that. Oh, wow. You know? Yeah. I think that's important. You know, I think, I think, I don't know because I don't know enough about your story, but it sounds like these pivotal moments in your life probably triggered some of this evolution. Sure. In a way that, you know, is kind of monumental, it seems. Yeah, and that's, yeah. And I'm a firm believer of like, that's why like there was a, I,

15:07
was recently talking about how I started doing neurofeedback therapy and how it's changed my life. And it started because I posted a video that I didn't even think I was going to post, but I just started recording myself crying in the backseat of the car with my daughter, really just being emotional. And I was traumatized by a car and all this stuff. And someone had reached out to me and was like, I have something that I think can help you. And that was neurofeedback therapy. And it's like, wait.

15:36
It was a learning lesson to me and just a reminder that when you are vulnerable and you are your true authentic self, there are people out there. May not be a million people, but there is one person that will be able to find you and help you out. And sometimes you just need to ask for help. And that's a really scary thing to do. I agree. And I'm glad you did that. I think vulnerability is.

16:03
really hard quality to share because we have been trained to not share that but I think those are the most meaningful moments because I think when we try to perform to the highest level all the time people end up seeing through it and the right people aren't around you you're not you're not gravitating you know you're not pulling the right people in and so kudos to you for doing that I hope you know that one person giving you that idea is something that's been helpful to you on this journey

16:32
Yeah, no. So maybe before we go down that rabbit hole, because I think that's part of your story, maybe you can kind of paint the picture of what your life was like leading up to, what you feel kind of really caused this evolution or this life shift. Sure, you know, I grew up in the Bay Area, and both my parents were in computer technology. They were not actors. They did not want me to be an actor. No. Not that they didn't want me to, but that wasn't even an option. It wasn't even a thought like that that could be.

17:01
And it's so funny because they always would say, oh, we thought she would go to MIT and be a software engineer or something. And I came out singing and dancing. And so it was so different than what both of them expected in a good way. But you said you think in a math brain. I do. Yeah, exactly. I mean, it's there. I could have gone that route. But I mean, it didn't end up going that route.

17:24
And, you know, I really got into, you know, doing my taekwondo. I'm a black belt in taekwondo. I was really into dance and I was a national jazz and tap champion. Needless to say, I was an uber perfectionist. And if I was going to do something, I was going to do it the best way I could. And if I, if I didn't do it the best, then I was really angry at myself. I was very hard on myself as a kid. And when I was about five years old.

17:52
There were signs when I was much younger, but it's not really relevant. When I was five, I couldn't cross thresholds. One day I just woke up and wouldn't do that. So like that, people always go, well, what does that mean? Well, I could not go from one side of my front door to the other side of my front door because I was so afraid. This is years of therapy later figuring out why. But I was so afraid of not being better than the day before. So I didn't even want to try.

18:22
And that was at five. I mean, that's just like wild to me because I say that and it's just a number. But then when I see my daughter who's 18 months old, almost, I'm like, oh my God, I can't even imagine this little being going through that. So the pressure on my mom and the hardship, I can't even imagine. So this started and I couldn't cross from the front of the dance studio to the other side of the dance studio of the door. I couldn't do the in karate. It would take...

18:51
literally an hour and a half, two hours for someone to physically drag me over kicking and screaming. And then I would be like, okay, but I didn't wanna perform. I didn't want to be on stage anymore. Obviously there was something wrong. There was some sort of, no trauma happened to me. It's not like I was part of an accident or anything like that. For me, what they found is something's off. She's just a perfectionist.

19:20
let's try hypnotherapy and hypnotherapy saved my life. At five? Yeah, at five. Wow. So I started doing hypnotherapy and it's so wild because I can still remember there was like this totem pole that was out front of the building. I still remember what it looks like. I can remember the smell of the room. Like it was so, it's so ingrained in my brain of how incredible like this experience was to me. Like I feel joy and

19:49
One day I was like, I'm ready. And I went on a stage and I performed and I was fine. And it was like, you know, a couple of months later after, you know, months of therapy and it worked. And that was actually a sign later on that we're finding out of bipolar disorder that they didn't know what that was. So, you know, you move along. When I was, you know, 14 and 15, I started feeling, you know, depressed and I would be really, have low, low, lows, but then I would have high highs and I would.

20:19
drive around for days on end. I didn't have to sleep for two to three days. I could just stay awake. I was wired. I was rambling. I was saying things. I was, you know, for all intents and purposes, like crazy. Like, and like, it was fun, you know, when you were high on manic, you know, but they didn't know what to do with me. And the doctors put me on antidepressants, which for those who live with bipolar disorder, it makes the highs high and lows low. Even lower, even higher.

20:46
So it causes a worse state of mania. And it caused me to have suicidal tendencies and ideations. And I was not a suicidal person. This was not something that I'd been contemplating. But I would do irrational things. And I got in a bad accident in LA. And I tried to take my life. And then I hit a rock. And I went up the mountain, set it down the mountain. And I was saved. And I don't even remember doing it. I don't remember.

21:16
I was not drinking or anything. I just, you would black out with these. It was just like a manic. Manic episodes, yeah. This was something though that was kind of like obvious to your family? Were people concerned or did they think? My family was. Oh, Alessandra's just a teenager kind of feeling. No, my mother was very, very, very concerned. She was getting me as much help as I could and it just. Because this is like. No doctor seemed to figure it out. What time period was this like? 20 years ago.

21:45
I'll tell you exactly when it was happening, when Britney Spears shaved her head. So were people associating that kind of feeling? Yeah, it was like right before then and I would see her driving on Mulholland at the same time I would, like up all hours. You know, it was just a state of, she's crazy, you know, whatever, you know. But my mom knew it was better. Looking back, do you remember those moments? No.

22:13
And I don't remember, I would say 15 to 22. Like I remember parts of my life and I remember certain events and I remember certain jobs. But there are so many blackout moments where I never really drank, I never did drugs. Because I was so afraid of being out of control. That was the perfectionism, to be out of control. So when I was out of control, I shut down. I didn't even remember that that was happening. And then it seemed to get

22:42
better when I was like 17, 18, it went away. I also got off the antidepressants. So that could have helped. And I started feeling like very manicky, I would say around 21, 22. And I was shooting a show called Caprica, which was the prequel to Battlestar Galactica. And it was like this huge thing. And I was the first Cylon. And...

23:12
I was on every billboard in New York and LA. It was crazy. It was really fun. Amazing. It must be wild. Wild. But on set, I had my first panic attack and I didn't know what a panic attack was. Now the good thing was is that no one saw this panic attack happen except for the makeup and hair girls because it happened in their trailer. But.

23:36
I started blacking out. I started feeling like I was having a stroke. I couldn't feel my tongue. I was going in and out. And my grandmother had just had a stroke. And so I was like, oh, I'm having a stroke like she is. I had no idea that that's what it was. So they called a set doctor and they were like, hey, can you help her out? She's feeling a little panicky or whatever. I was like, I don't know what this feeling is.

24:00
And he was really lovely and he shared with me probably, I say this all the time, he should have never shared with me what celebrity it was, but he shared with me that a celebrity on a set had a panic attack just a week, couple days before, a week before or something. And that he gave this celebrity the same, you know, beta blocker that I had, like to slow my heart rate down and calm me down. And just to put me at ease. And like, it was not meant out of a, cause this person talks about mental health, so it wasn't like.

24:28
a bad doctor, but it was like a way to calm me down because I was so losing my mind and spiraling that like my career was over and everything is going to be bad because of this one moment that no one saw but hair and makeup because I was crying so excessively, right? But I panicked so much. And then no one could do anything about it. Therapists were like, I don't know, she's just maybe depressed. I don't know. So my big life shift moment was

24:58
when I went to a part one of my life shift moment was I went to an acupuncturist in LA and I was explaining my symptoms. And I was like, I'm feeling numb on one side of my body. I have these high highs, I have these low lows, all this stuff. And he said to me, he goes, has anyone ever told you that you might be living with bipolar disorder? I have a lot of celebrity clients and creative types.

25:25
And this is a very common thing. And everything you're saying is like, it checks the box. And I'm like, what? What does that even mean? And I went to a new- Was it anything you had heard before? I had heard of it, but I mean, I didn't really know anything about it. And I had gone to a psychiatrist and I had a new one and I had expressed that someone had recommended that I be checked out for bipolar disorder. And they go, well, absolutely. No one ever told you that? I was like, what?

25:54
And it was this weight off my shoulder. It was this big mystery of what's wrong with me. I just thought I was crazy. I thought I was just losing my mind. I thought that there was reasons why I would forget memories, but all this stuff. And it was like, oh, you just have this simple disorder. It's not a big deal. You just take a little medicine, we'll work on some therapy together, and you're gonna feel awesome. It was like...

26:24
How? And I'll tell you how. Because bipolar disorder, I forgot what it is, it's either an average of nine or 15 years. I forget. It's one of the two. And I'm my mind, my brain. That's how long it takes to diagnose someone with bipolar disorder. Because it is one of the hardest things that you can do for a diagnosis. Because when you're feeling great, and you feel that high high, why would you ever think there's a problem?

26:52
You don't think there's a problem. You're like, I feel awesome. Like I'm feeling like I've never tried like cocaine or drugs like that before. But people say it's like an ego boost, right? Like you feel like, oh, you can't touch me. I'm like, I'm such hot shit, you know? People always would explain that to me. And I'm like, that's what it feels like to live with bipolar disorder. Hence why I never tried it because I'm just scared. But like- Half the time. Yeah, yeah, well, sure. Okay, yeah. But I mean, that's why I-

27:21
I was like, oh, that's what it feels like. So you never go into a doctor and say, hey, I feel amazing all the time. And then there's these two weeks out of the three months where I'm real depressed. You go in there and you're like, I'm feeling depressed. I can't get out of bed. And then I'm okay. And they'd say, oh, well, you probably have manic depression or you are just living with depression. You talk about the highs and the lows.

27:50
So what I always recommend and I talk about every time I possibly can is whatever your diagnosis is, it's irrelevant. You just need to write down every symptom, whether it be the good symptoms, the bad symptoms, the mania, the depression, whatever it is, write it down. Write down the food that you're eating, write down the relationships that you're in, write down the friendships you're in. Are you drinking? Are you taking recreational drugs?

28:20
write it all down because it's so much easier for doctors to understand what's going on in the brain than just going in and going, I'm not feeling great. Yeah, no, that's important. And I think, you know, I've heard other people on the show talk about how the seemingly simple words coming from a doctor can really like ease something, change something. And when you're telling the story, part of me jumps back to...

28:47
this idea of you being like a perfectionist or maybe some people pleasing came along with that. And did that part of you, that perfectionist part, feel like you were flawed during these ups and downs or in that way, taking that away? Right. You know what? No, because I didn't think, like I said, when you're like on the highest of mania, like you feel great. You feel untouchable. I feel like the depression and like the kind of like

29:17
the down, I would say, not even depression, it's just the down. Maybe a little bit with the perfectionism that I couldn't get out of bed and that I wasn't able to do it, but that was like a different thing at a different time. I feel like that's why I mean that there are different stages that we're going through in different, I don't know, different levels, but I don't feel like I ever failed.

29:45
the perfectionism with my career or was, like I said, we talked about earlier, right? I am always someone that shows up early. Like that's part of the perfectionism, but it's really most importantly, part of my structure, like of keeping my mind at ease and keeping my mind happy. I like to think, like my husband always laughs, he's like, you can't mess with Alessandra's matrix because like she has to put it in the matrix. Like otherwise, like everything else like ripples around it.

30:14
And it's less about the perfectionism, but it's just making sure that I have the stability that I need for my brain to be able to have its ebbs and flows. And then there's one constant going on. So with bipolar disorder, when you were going through this before the diagnosis, was there ever a status quo? Or was it always high, high, or the other? Or was there ever a middle ground? There would be middle. That would only happen with the mania.

30:41
You know, so there would be years that you would be fine. And like, literally nothing's wrong. So, you know, you can, you could say, okay, well, 14, 15, 16, that's, you know, puberty when you're going through hormone rushes and hormone changes. And they say that, you know what I mean? A lot of, a lot of people, you know, what's interesting now looking back at it is, one doctor had said to me, you know, it really was hard to diagnose you because you didn't have an eating disorder. And I said, what?

31:10
What does that mean? And they said that a lot of girls, and maybe guys too, but they said for me girls, a lot of girls have severe eating disorders at 15 years old. And that's one of the signs because it's about control, it's perfectionism, and it matches up with the time of the hormone changes. And I didn't have that. So like that was, you know, so I'm sure not everyone with bipolar disorder had an eating disorder, but I mean.

31:39
You know, but that was at that time, that was something that was said to me, that that would have been a check on the check list that they could say, oh, well, she's got 10 checks, so she must be this, you know. But that's the thing that's so scary is it takes so long. And with medication being misdiagnosed and it causing so many suicidal tendencies and things happening.

32:07
a lot of lives are lost truly just because of misdiagnosis. And it's not the fault of the doctors, it's not the fault of the patients, it's just kind of a flawed system. And it's complicated. It's complicated. It's a flawed human piece, like you said, because so many of us don't document our good times, or the good things that are like things that are different but they're good. Yeah.

32:31
You know, like we don't document those. Yeah, and it's just complicated. Like it's simple. It's complicated and it's no one's fault. It just sucks, you know, and it's tough. How did how did getting that diagnosis change you? Like what did you said? It took a weight off your shoulder, but did you notice that you were existing differently? I was because I was not existing as a person that didn't know what was wrong with me. I was existing as a person that was like.

33:01
Oh, okay. Now looking back at it, like I live with diabetes. You know what I mean? Like it was like that. It was like, oh, I live with this and it's okay. And I think the reason why I was living differently was because I finally felt at ease that there was something that could physically help me. That being medication, that being doctors, different types of modalities of people, sharing insights with me. And look, I mean, that was when I was

33:30
21, 22 I was diagnosed. I'm 36 now. And I just now in this second part of my life shift, postpartum have discovered new type of modalities that are helping and totally shifting my mind to be even better, clearer, happier, more aligned in the grand scheme of things. You know what I mean? And it's crazy like all this time.

33:58
and all this research and still I'm discovering new things. So I think it's more of just this relief of like, wow, I can actually now work on the end quote out of quote.

34:12
Even though it's not a problem. It's just, you know, I'm gonna say the problem. But you have an answer-ish, right? You have an approach. I have an approach. You have like, yeah. And now you have parameters to your approach, I guess. Sure, yeah. In some way, it's not like, you're depressed, let's try this, you're this, let's try this. It's not a mystery, that's what it is. It's not a mystery anymore. It's like, you know, it's what I assume people must be so frustrated about when...

34:40
They have such physical issues and they're like, but why does my stomach hurt? And it takes people years to figure out, maybe there was one parasite in there and they didn't catch it until XYZ. And it's like, oh, well now I can finally take this medication and it's gonna help me. And then I eat differently and this is gonna help me. It's the same sort of thing. It just happens to be an organ inside my brain. It's my brain. It's not an organ inside my brain, it is my brain.

35:07
My brain is an organ. It is the organ in your head. Yes, in my head, thank you. You're welcome. No, I think it's important. I think bringing it to the relational space of something that I guess we look at as more acceptable, like someone has a stomach ache or someone has a whatever. Bringing this into the consciousness of talking it in that sense, I just recently, probably in the last couple years, realized that I can't eat gluten. And for...

35:35
35 plus years of my life, I just thought a chronic stomach ache was normal. Now that I know, I know I can avoid it or I know I can do certain things to avoid that pain and that hurt and so I can relate, people listening probably maybe aren't, they don't experience bipolar disorder but maybe they have something where they're like, oh yeah, once I knew, I was able to move forward into this life in a way that felt.

36:04
quote unquote normal. 100%, 100%, yeah. How did you show up to like, if you were looking at the version of you before the diagnosis showing up to work or doing your normal life thing afterwards, was there a different experience because maybe you knew that this high was a high or you knew this low was a low? What was the, was there a difference? It's funny because I think for work, it was a little trickier. Like for real life, I feel like it was better, but for work.

36:32
I had shared with a few people about my diagnosis and they said, you best not be telling people because this was a stigma. I mean, five years ago, it was still a stigma. It still is in some sense, but I feel like people were like, you don't want to be labeled as difficult, as a diva, and as someone that's going to be hard to work with on set, no one's going to hire you. So just don't talk about it. So I did talk about it.

37:02
My biggest inspiration was Carrie Fisher, because Carrie Fisher, not only was she Princess Leia, but she is an incredible writer and actor and mother. And she lived with bipolar disorder and was open and loud about it and was thriving with it. And yes, it was a struggle, but she would talk about the honesty of the struggle. And so for me, when I started seeing how beautifully she

37:32
she would share her story. And I heard other people share their stories, like personal ones who maybe weren't super famous. I thought, you know what, at some point, I'm gonna have to talk about this at some point. And it was hard because in my personal life, people were very supportive of me. But then if I would be in a relationship, some of the men in my life were using it against me, you know, labeling me crazy and difficult. And, you know, they were just having affairs behind my back.

38:00
But you know, that's neither here nor there. That's their trauma. Yeah, exactly. And you know, but at the time when you're a newly diagnosed crazy person like that, and you're shamed, like I love the word crazy now. I think it's great because it's just wonderful to me. But so many people would say you're crazy. You're out of control. You're a mess. You're like, thank you. And now I'm like, thank you.

38:29
And before I was like, oh, crushed, you know? Yeah. And I would blame myself. Well, how could you love someone who was mentally ill? How could you be with someone like that? So it took me, it wasn't like, oh, everything is all like, you know, peaches and cream right now. Like it was not, it was still a roller coaster of emotions. And it wasn't until, you know, I feel like I...

38:58
spoke about it with a few organizations after hearing other people's talk. One particularly I'm an ambassador for, it's called NAMI, it's the National Alliance of Mental Illness. And I had gone to one of their luncheons as a guest of someone else, and someone went on stage and started talking about living with bipolar disorder and thriving and all this stuff. And I thought, what am I doing? Like, this is what I should be talking about.

39:24
Not, you know, what I'm wearing or like, you know, whatever. And so I went up to one of the organizers and I said, hi, I'm Alessandra, I'm an actress. Like I live with bipolar one disorder and I would love to talk if you ever want. So they would ask me to make videos every so often that they would release on their websites or on their YouTube. And then I slowly started releasing my own stuff on social media. I would say this was like two years before the pandemic maybe, or maybe a year and a half. And I went, one video.

39:54
went to some inbox of some big corporation and they said, wow, we want this person at our conference to come. And I went to this conference and it was 200 curators and creators and big brands that were all open talking about mental health. And it was for us to get together for a weekend to really brainstorm what we can do for the world and what we can do for the world of mental health. And I met.

40:24
huge people that I like still friends with to this day that I'm in such awe of that were sharing their mental health and what they were doing to take action to help others. And I was like, wow. And someone said to me, you like to talk a lot. You should have a podcast. I'm like, okay. I've always wanted to host a show. They're like, you should do it. And literally, I think within four weeks or six weeks, I had figured out the name of the podcast, started recording, found a studio, found a producer and

40:53
released my first episode. And the feedback, right? I mean, you understand this, Matt. Like the feedback that you get, it saves your life because you're like, oh my God. I mean, trust me, there's haters. You're being seen. You're being seen, you're being heard and you're allowing you to be the portal and the voice for the voiceless. Where in that explanation of like those couple years or leading up, where was the first time that you felt fully seen?

41:23
public, private, all the places, like just showed up and you could be you and not have to hide something, pretend in any kind of way. Was any of those, were any of those pieces like stand out to you? Because I feel like, you know, like I had a guest on my show and she told her story and I was like, oh my God, the life shift is possible because my feelings are validated. Like, I feel like I can just show up and be like, this journey sucked, but you know, here I am. Was there any moment like, where you were just like,

41:53
I can show up and not even worry about it. I don't know if I'm there yet. No. Isn't that funny? No. But I will say this. I mean, it's not surprising. I felt my most self, and I'll tell you why, two things. I felt my most self at this conference where I got to be myself and being around such intelligent, creative people who were struggling like I was.

42:22
and I could be myself and they thought it was a superpower that I had bipolar disorder. They were like, that's so cool. Like, wow, you know what I mean? Look at what you've done. That was one. That was the first time I would say I felt like myself. That's what I was picturing. But the second, the second thing is, is I don't feel like I'm ever fully myself out in person because I'm a very insecure person in the grand scheme of things when it comes to.

42:46
Oh my God, I always think that something's on my butt. I always laugh with my girlfriends. Like, I'm like, oh my God, there's something there. Like, oh my God, like, is my hair off? You did talk about a wedgie on one of your recent episodes. Yes, and that happens all the time. So, you know, it happens. Well, because you're a human and- Because I'm a human. It happens. But that's the thing, right? Like, I'm human. I'm very insecure about certain things. Even though I may be very confident in others or maybe seemingly confident, so do I ever feel like I've shown up as myself and what was the first thing, you know, when did it happen?

43:16
I would say at that conference when I saw that other people could be strong and powerful and still have something that they live with. But also, I don't feel like I fully show up that way, except for when I'm in the privacy of my home, having a conversation with someone where I can spill everything, spill in all the tea right now, and feel comfortable. That's when I feel like I show up as myself.

43:43
Not when I'm out, not when I'm on a red carpet, not when I'm at an event, when I'm here in this trusted space, that's when I feel like I've showed up. Because you do this though, when you go to special events, do you feel any of that superpower? Oh, I feel so out of place. No, I feel so out of place. I feel like, why am I walking a red carpet? Like, no one knows who I am. Like, I was on a show like a kajillion years ago. Like, that's where the spiral comes. But not even the fact that you were invited

44:13
tells you that they want you there? No, it's so funny. And you know, I forgot who I was listening to. Was I listening to Howard Stern or Jeff Lewis? One of the two, I listened to all those nonstop. They're a little different. A little different, but also similar, you know, a little outspoken. Fair, fair. But I was listening to someone and they were talking about red carpet or something and they were like, oh my God, like I would like want to throw up before it happens. And it was like a huge celebrity and they were like,

44:43
But you're invited. Like, what's the big deal? And they go, oh, no, no, no. I'm like convinced that no one really wants me there. No one knows who I am. The photographers don't know. And I think that that's like, I was quite popular in school. So it wasn't like I was like an unpopular bullied kid. I dealt with bullying, but in a different way. But I feel like it's just an insecurity. It's like maybe it's just an actor insecurity. I don't think that it has anything to do with my mental illness. I think it's just like...

45:12
being an actor and like, you're constantly insecure about certain things, you know? No, I think, you know, and also if you're in a space where people are also living and thriving with something that for so long was questionable for you, right? Like, what is this? Why am I doing? And now you're like, oh, now I know what it is. But also look, look at all these amazing people. Yes. I feel like that's kind of what your show does now. What I'm trying to do here is that like. You can do it.

45:41
Like there are things that we're going to face. Like I just talked to someone who had like 400 traumas in a row it felt like, and I was just like, how do you exist? And she's like, I'm here, I'm doing it and I'm trying to help other people. And so when we can see people like you sharing this, you're validating their experiences, you're giving them hope that they can move through and you're also being human by saying, look, I'm insecure too. I have these, you know, like.

46:10
before maybe a performative version of me would be like, totally fine, I'm not sad today, or I'm not having a bad day. And now I'm just like, I'm showing up and it is what it is. And if you don't wanna deal with it, then too bad. Sure, sure, sure. Yeah, that's so interesting. And I feel like a lot of people have said to me, when, I'm like trying to put it into words properly and profoundly, but you know.

46:39
I think when you live with a mental illness and you're thriving, sometimes you feel awkward talking about that because you almost feel like, well, why am I doing well? Because I wasn't well for a long time and there's a lot of people that have what I have and they're not doing well. It feels fake to say that you're doing well, but I am doing well and I am doing awesome and I am thriving.

47:08
And I do have my sad days. And I do have really, really, really dark days and really high, great days. But it's a journey, it's a struggle, and it's a day-to-day, like, I'm living for the day. I'm living for the moment. I think that's important. I mean, I don't think we have to go out there and brag that we're surviving X mental illness or whatever that might be. But I think the acknowledgement part is really helpful for me.

47:36
Like I grew up, I was never diagnosed with like depression, but I know I was depressed. And I dealt with things that I probably haven't shared publicly, but like self-harm type things. And I did all that and I look back on those moments and I was like, yeah, it was bad. Like it just wasn't great. But now at this version of me, that version of me just hid it, right? And was ashamed of it and whatever. But now when I have a bad day, I'm just like, hello people that I love around me.

48:05
I'm not having a great day and it's okay. I know how to move through it. And I think that acknowledgement helps me be like, okay, it's fine. You've survived this before or you can move through it. So I don't know if any of that resonates like this acknowledgement piece. Yeah, no, it does. It does. And I, and it wasn't like, that's why I love doing my show because I love hearing other people's stories because if I'm having a really sad day or a really tough day and I hear someone get through it and be...

48:35
awesome. I'm like, wow, like, I'm so glad I'm here today so I could talk to this person. Yeah, I agree. I know you have this other moment. I'm interested in how adjusting to knowing, right? And finding what quote unquote normal feels like for you moving through different modalities and stuff. How did motherhood and approaching motherhood, how did that blend into that experience? Because

49:03
you hear people that don't experience bipolar disorder, I'm not sure the correct terminology to use there, but you hear people going through pregnancy and postpartum without facing some of these other diagnoses. So I'm wondering how that affected you. Well, I think my part two of a life shift was that I was on medication that you could stay on and have a baby, but you had a percentage of your baby having a cleft palate, among other things that...

49:31
they've never done research on. And it was something that I felt very strongly in my gut instinct that I needed to be off my medication in order to have a baby. It's not for everyone, I'm not telling people you should do that, because you can legally. And for all intents and purposes, you can be on that medication, but the research wasn't there enough for me to know that it was okay. So with my doctor and a few other specialists,

50:01
I weaned myself off the medication. It took a couple months. I went milligram by milligram off every couple of weeks. Felt, you know, to see how I was feeling. I did not quickly get off. And I had a great first trimester of pregnancy, other than a migraine here and there. And then I had a second trimester where mania totally kicked in. And the most frustrating thing to me was

50:31
All these women would say to me, oh, the second trimester is the best. It's when you're happy and you're laughing all the time and you just smile for no reason. And in that moment was my deepest, darkest thoughts, my saddest times, my angriest times. And it wasn't that I was angry at the baby, I was angry at everything around me. And so just, and I hadn't felt those feelings in a really long time, you know?

51:00
And so I was very lucky that I did have therapists around me. I did have specialists. I did have, I practiced transcendental meditation. So I had a meditation coach that was with me. And I had still to that day, like my psychiatrist watching to make me sure everything was okay. I never hit a moment where I needed to go into hospital to get all my medication, but I was a hop, skip and a jump away from that. It was, it got, there was one moment where, where my mom and my husband were like, okay, I think it's time if she can't get it. Get.

51:30
in a place of sanity right now. And so that was frustrating because then my third trimester was great, you know. Then I gave birth and I had postpartum hemorrhaging, which I didn't think was that big of a deal at the time. It was traumatic for everyone around me. And 10 days later, I was in the hospital, you know, checked in breastfeeding my baby in a wheelchair on the side of the road outside because they couldn't even bring my baby inside the hospital because of so many unknown diseases that were inside there.

51:59
So, and they couldn't figure out why I was bleeding. I had to have a DNC, a DNC, DNC, I always forget what the name of it is, a couple of weeks after that. And I was like, who am I? And I would just look at women who are six weeks postpartum, and they were able to walk their babies. They were able to push the stroller. They were able to work out again. They were able to do this. And I was truly like, you know, just.

52:27
everything was coming out of me and I was like, I don't understand like how I can't even stand up. And so that was so frustrating. So for me, you know, when I, I would say what I discovered was I was feeling myself again up until a couple months ago. I was finally feeling like myself again. It's feeling great. And then I almost got hit by a car in my neighborhood when I was pushing my daughter.

52:55
with one of those like car stroller pusher thingies, you know, and I immediately went back to that postpartum anxiety of seeing blood on the ground, seeing, you know, a baby there, you know, and just spiraling. And I was completely debilitated. I was shaking and hyperventilating and it lasted for days and days and days. And

53:19
That's when a friend of mine had reached out and said, you're gonna start neurofeedback therapy. And that was my life shift number two, because it was the first time that I was able to be heard and seen and felt like this is a real thing. This is a real crisis that women deal with when they're postpartum.

53:40
is it's not just the postpartum depression. It can be the anxiety and it could be you're reliving that trauma over and over multiple times a day and it's debilitating. And I just, I finally was like, wow. And I sat there with these, you know, these things on my head and I was like, what's going on? And I just was like, I'll try anything at this point because I need to be the best version of myself for my daughter because it's not fair. And I shouldn't be.

54:10
not, I'm a, for, I talk about it on my podcast, you try everything, you try, try, try, try. And so I wanted to try. So this was my second life, life shift, because it was like, I was back to ground zero again, and I didn't know what to do. Rewiring? Yeah. You know, I think as you tell that story of how all of that would have played out, had you not got that original diagnosis and that understanding and, you know, like what that journey would have been without the awareness that you were facing.

54:40
You know, like those high highs, those low lows during pregnancy. It's so scary. But part of me, I'm curious, I'm fortunate that I've not experienced these things, but when you were in your second trimester and you were having these moments, was part of you, like, did any of that awareness of what you knew you were diagnosed with, did any of that help you? No, because it was just so frustrating.

55:08
It was like, I thought I've got this. It was so frustrating. And I also- So the perfectionist played in. Yes, and I also was so confused because I had, you know, people think that Reddit is a very bad place and I'm not saying it's a good place, like by any means, but there is a place where I, when you Google bipolar pregnancy, you know, symptoms, you know, you can't find shit anywhere. No one talks about it.

55:38
No one talks about it. No one talks about mental illness and pregnancy. It's just not a thing. Talk about postpartum depression. But I found Reddit threads of people who were like, hey, I live with bipolar one disorder. I'm week 16 into my pregnancy and I'm feeling this sort of mania. And this is what I've been finding relief in. And I found relief on a social platform. And it was so bananas to me because I'm like.

56:05
why are we not talking about this? Like it shouldn't be Reddit where I'm finding things. Like it should be doctors providing this. It should be, there should be other kinds of platforms that are helping women out, you know? And I'm not saying that there aren't, I'm not like criticizing, but when you're trying to understand why you're going through that moment, you don't need a doctor to be like, well, this is what the diagnosis says. You want someone with lived experience.

56:30
really can share that with you. And this is why you have your podcast. That's right. And that is why I'm so happy I documented so many things about my pregnancy and my postpartum because I don't remember a lot of like what I was saying and stuff because I was just like so pregnant or like so out of it postpartum and so tired that I was so happy that I did have all these moments recorded in hopes that five years from now, someone finds the podcast and they may be living with the same diagnosis and maybe they don't feel.

57:00
crazy or alone or lost or confused. And, you know, a lot of women are diagnosed after postpartum with bipolar disorder because sometimes pregnancy can trigger that disorder inside you, which is so wild to me. But I mean, I was just so grateful and thankful that I had resources, I had tools, I had people that I could reach out to, and that I knew what it was, what it was happening.

57:29
and the people around you knew. And there was openness about the fact that, I mean, you did yourself a service by keeping those professionals around you as well, and keeping them in tune and weaning off appropriately, even if it led you to certain spaces. But I think people hearing you tell this story is the same as you going to Reddit and doing that. You never know who's listening at any point in time. And just...

57:57
Absolutely. Being so open and vulnerable about it, I feel like as Americans that we assume so much shame that shouldn't exist. Like, I feel like, like we just take on shame. And I say, I say sorry more than most people. I don't know why. I'm always apologizing for things and I don't know why. And it's a lot of that is like, I don't want people to be mad at me. It's probably abandonment issues from when my mom died. And you know, like I think a lot of these things, but.

58:26
There is no shame in this. And I love that you're just like, this is what happened. Like, this is me and this is all of me. And thank you for just saying that here and doing what you do every week on your show and with the people that you talk to. It's like, we need more of this. We need, because I think if, like think 20 years ago, if this was just normalized and it was just another thing, it was like diabetes, bipolar, like whatever.

58:56
how different things would be. You know, I feel like so many of your experiences would be different. But also it's part of my story. And it is why I'm here now. Because if it wasn't a big stigma, then I wouldn't have had the, felt the need and really felt the audience wanting to talk about this. I love it. If you could go back to the version of you that is finally coming down from that panic attack on set.

59:25
knowing what you know now and the experiences that you've had now, is there anything that you would want to whisper in Alessandra's ear after that? You know, just breathe. I would say just breathe because it's going to be okay, you know, and it's going to be a long journey and it's going to be a lot of highs and a lot of lows still, but just breathe. That was

59:48
That's the thing that I always think of. It's so cheesy. It was from this movie Ever After. I don't know if you remember that with Drew Barrymore. They're like, just breathe. And I think about that all the time because it's something I don't do. I never breathe. I always hold my breath and I'm always like, because you tense up, right? And it's like, it's so silly. Just breathe. Because we're humans. Human experience. It's what we are living in. It's a human experience.

01:00:18
We have to be okay with all the parts. We have to be okay with the fact that we're not gonna have all happy days and we're not gonna have all sad days and we're not gonna be mad all the time. And all of it's okay. And at any moment it's okay. And I'm honored. I feel like I know you really well now. And it's like this podcast space is just so valuable for me and hopefully for you. So just thank you for being a part of this.

01:00:46
And let me tell you, when I have a really bad day and I just wanna have some fun with my daughter, we go to Disneyland. Yeah, you gotta do it, you gotta have some fun. You're gonna be going to Disney World at some point. Very soon. I won't tell them when. So don't find you. But if people want to, well, tell us how they can, that they can find your podcast on every podcast platform. Yeah, every platform. So that's Emotional Support. Yes, and it just spelt Emotional Support, so that's easy. So just look up Emotional Support, Emot

01:01:15
at Emotional Support Pod, or you just Google my name, Alessandro Torassani. You can spell it a bunch of different ways and it'll come up every single way in Google for the Instagram and give me a follow. And yeah, I'm here. I've just, Matt, I've had so much fun with your podcast. And I just, I can't wait for this to come out and have you on my show. We can talk about your experience and that would be so fun. I am just...

01:01:44
Again, just so honored that people choose me to come share this story with. I don't know if you feel this way sometimes. It's like never would this eight-year-old version of me, like just feeling so empty, could have imagined being able to have these really deep conversations. So again, please follow Alessandra on all the socials, listen to her podcast. It's a...

01:02:10
beautiful picture of her and her child on the front of the podcast. So cute. You're going to have to update that every year or so. I know. If you're listening and you connected with something that Alessandra had to say and you know someone out there that might be facing something similar, I'd love it if you just share it with them, because I think that is probably the kindest thing that you can do so that they feel less alone in this experience. So thanks again, Alessandra. And for everyone listening, I'll be back next week with a brand new episode.