When the Unthinkable Happens: Donna Kendrick on Widowhood and Moving Forward

00:01
Some moments split your life into two, this before and after. In this episode, Donna Kendrick shares the heartbreaking day that everything changed for her family and how she rebuilt her life, not just to survive, but to serve others walking through their own pain. This is a story of grit and purpose and choosing light, even when the darkness feels overwhelming. So I open the door and I look and our bed was made.

00:28
One thing my sweet husband, never did was make the bed.  Never made the bed.  And right then and there I knew something happened to him and he didn't want someone walking in in a messy bedroom.  So I opened the door further and he had taken his life in our closet. And what do you do when you see that and you knew he was gone? I'm Maciel Houli and this is The Life Shift.  Candid conversations about the pivotal moments that have changed lives forever.

01:05
Hello, my friends. Welcome to the LifeShift Podcast. I am here with Donna. Hello, Donna. Hello. How are you, Matt? I'm doing well, thank you. And thank you for wanting to be a part of the LifeShift Podcast. I often refer to this show as  the healing journey that I never knew I needed. So thank you for just coming along the ride. And thank you for putting all of that out there. I'm really impressed by what you do and I'm happy to be a part of it. So thank you.

01:29
If someone's tuning in for the first time because you're on the show, they want to hear your story or they've heard your story, but they want to hear it in this way.  The show really stems from my own personal experience. When I was eight, I had my  what I refer to my line in the sand moment, my life shift moment. My dad sat me down. I was visiting him over the summer. My parents were divorced. I lived with my mom full time. And my dad sat me down one day after summer camp and he had to tell me that my mom had died in a motorcycle accident with her boyfriend.

01:58
And at that moment in time,  it felt like nothing that we had planned for anything after that was ever going to be possible.  I had to move states, I had to move schools, I lost all my friends, my family was no longer around me.  All the things just felt so different in one moment to the next. And so when I started this podcast, I wanted to talk to people about these line in the sand moments, realizing that we have multiple life shift moments throughout our lives, but.

02:27
It's really just been such a healing journey to have these real conversations with people about the hard parts,  the good parts,  the messy parts, you all the parts of the human experience.  Before we get into your story, perhaps  you can tell us who you are in 2025. Like, how do you identify? How do you show up in the world?

02:47
So  I usually show up as Dona Jean Kendrick.  That is actually my full name, but everyone in my family, big old Polish family, everyone's names rhyme. So there's Marlene, Charlene, Irene, Dona Jean.  So when I hit college, actually high school, I dropped the gene. I'm like, no way, I'm not rhyming with the dog. The dog is Maxine. No way, no more.  So I consider myself a widow who is now in a blended family. I was remarried two years ago. I bring this up because I am very happy.

03:13
So where am I am in this world? Recreate my career after my husband's loss.  And really am in my groove  and really giving back the way I want to to the community.  And I bring up the name change because I'm now known as DJ  to all of the six kids in the house. They refer to me even when I'm in the room as DJ. Text, hey DJ. So that's that. So I am now for some reason without me even wanting it,  I'm now DJ. That's who I am in 2025.  How do you feel about that? How do you really feel about that DJ?

03:42
I feel like I've raised six sarcastic children. Yeah, that's it. So you feel good.  Yeah, real good.  They're giving back in the world. I know they are. Exactly. I mean, what is life without sarcasm, right? Right. It's so nice. You know who to keep close and who not when you play a little sarcasm out there. When we have guests that come to the house and everyone's in rare form, so we're like eight solid on a good holiday, and that's just our immediate family.  Kids go from 15 to 23.

04:08
And some people who are a little shy or don't know us well, I can see, like, they just get shell shocked. They're like, how do you do that to one another? I'm like, what? Do what? Like, it's fine.  No one's safe.  Don't have a tic. It's bad.  I love that. I mean, think it's, you  can feel  your energy. You can feel the joy that you're exuding. And it feels very real. So thank you for showing up in that way. I imagine you do that in your.

04:35
profession and in your personal life as well. And  it seems to be fulfilling in that way. Thank you. I always believe that we have today.  And so I'm living it up. Like, I'm living it. I'm making an impression on others. I'm  helping and serving. And  I can also really cherish who I am, too, and make it my best day.  And then tomorrow, I get to do it again. That's a privilege. And I live by that. I do. That's beautiful.  Here's me being a cynic. Do you have bad days?  I do.  I do.

05:05
It's hard because I don't think my family knows how to handle it. They just think I'm tired. I often do very long days at work. But when it's a bad day, you have that one or two people who can see through it and they know. They know straight out. They know straight out. But I will tell you, I try to shake it off. So tomorrow, it's an opportunity to grow from what made it a bad day  and let's go again.  So I won't, I always say I have a 24 hour rule. Even if it's a really bad day, I'll still call.

05:32
kick and scream, I'll whine like a baby.  But  you got to find your Philadelphia and you got to have a good day the next one. So yeah. Now this is going to be me assuming but I think your story that we're going to talk about today  might have informed some of this or have you always been that way? I've always I will call myself I'm stealing this from  I think Margaret Thatcher. I'm an optimist who worries.  That's it. So I'll wake up and every day is shiny and happy and have been that way since I was a kid.

05:58
But deep inside, the worry was always there and going. I will tell you after this life shift,  that's when everything just started of like, hey, where's that kidney, that worry?  Let's just, if  you have a worry, let's action it. Let's do something to change it. So that motivation part of life, to get rid of the worry, is what happened after the life shift. Okay.  Well, why don't you kind of paint the picture of leading up to this life shift moment and however far back you need to go to kind of give this before  version of Donna or DJ. There you go.

06:27
It was Donna. Yeah, so yeah, born and raised in Philadelphia, if anyone can tell because they don't say a G and we're always going somewhere. drink water, but that's how it works. So I own it. Married my husband, Greg, and my dad was a Philadelphia firefighter. His dad was a police officer at Philly. So we can say we met through the police and fire credit union and that our dad set us up. But that sounds like we couldn't get dates and we could. That's it. But.

06:53
Fast forward, we had three kids. He worked for Homeland Security, so it was almost like a military life. So we moved around almost every two years, or at least the kids did with school. And for a while there, we lived over in Rome, Italy for about five years. So was like seven years of that kind of military existence. During that time, I had given up my career. was doing financial forecasting for the pharmaceutical industry because it was a conflict of interest with his position and where we were at the embassy.

07:19
Wound up teaching English to Italian kids and raising my kids and it was a really nice life. We did well. We were able to get back close to the Philadelphia area in 2011 and then back to Philly again, right outside of Philly in little suburb. Kids were finally in a nice school district. My little one was learning to perfect English because he went, of course, to Italian school when we were over there. Not saying that he was fluent, stubborn little guy, but moved into a new house. Three months later, he

07:49
passed away and that was the life shift.  The life shift was the exact moment when, yeah, he, how do you say it,  he had battled with depression  early on in our relationship before we were even married  and we had gone to counseling together. I was not the problem.  So we went to counseling together and we really learned some great tools like to help him with a lot of it was work.

08:13
and management of stress and he put a lot of expectations on himself. And I think that was who he was as a college student. I think that's who he probably was when he talked to his brothers and sisters as a kid, right? Like even in seventh grade, a lot of pressure on himself. So it was catching up to him as he was being promoted very quickly through where he was. But we got those tools in place and we did well. And none of that really showed when we were in Italy, not at all. When we had moved home in 2011 and he commuted really far.

08:43
And work was very stressful and he did. had some really bad,  we now would consider it depression,  but it was never formally diagnosed. And him and I kept it very, very quiet. Kept it quiet from society, kept it quiet from work,  kept it quiet from the kids. There were days where he would be a full week  tucked into bed and my kids would think he was on a trip. Like that's how Smoke and Mirrors, we handled it.  Was it just fear  of like what others might think or his job was to...

09:12
important that he thought they were going to get rid of him. It was his job and he was law enforcement.  So he did not want a diagnosis of depression because they would take his firearm. Therefore he wouldn't be law enforcement anymore. And this was the job that he had always wanted  since he Identity gone, right? Yeah. He interned with them in college. And he loved what he did and was very, very good at it.  So knowing that he had hit a bump like this early on and gotten better, he was just waiting for the get...

09:41
better part, but maybe it was age, maybe it was stress, maybe it was  being he was so happy when we were in Italy and come back stateside.  I on the opposite side was not happy in Italy and happy when we came home.  I don't know really what it was, but  he did go to therapy in different ways and he really started taking care of himself. We moved back to the Philadelphia area  just for the job, but to actually get him a position that wasn't as stressful.  And we moved into a much smaller house and so there was no more financial pressures.  And I was

10:11
Because he wasn't traveling as much, I was able to get back into the workforce, right?  Or at least starting to. So  he was coming home for dinner every night and it was actually really good. I would say we lost him  when it was a really good upswing. Yeah. So  yeah, the day we lost him, he was actually holding,  for any football fans out there, I don't know what it is. I call it the sticks.  Like on the sideline when you hold the marker and the chains, the chains they call it.

10:37
He was actually holding the chains at my son's. My son was eight years old, our youngest, we call him Squish.  Squish was eight years old. He was a really good linebacker because he was squishy.  he was holding the chains early that morning. We had opportunities to go out with his best friend from kindergarten. They lived about five minutes from us that night, like it's a couple's night. And we were really excited. So after the football game, he was like, I'm to go home and take a nap.  I went out with other friends of ours with the kids to give him a quiet house.

11:06
came back home  and literally was like downstairs  folding the laundry. Of course, you know, I'm  very successful, but I don't like ironing.  So I like stuck my blouse for the day into the washing machine.  No, into the dryer with a wet towel so I could get the wrinkles out.  So I was down there and I was like taking out my blouse, about to go upstairs and get ready.  And I had sent my daughter upstairs to wake up daddy, tell daddy to get ready. Right. I'm coming in for the shower.  And she came down to mommy. It's very weird. The door's locked. You know.

11:36
you know in your belly,  but I've got three kids in the house. So I'm like, all right,  don't worry about that. Right, daddy's probably napping. It's still quote, quote a new house. We'd only been there for two or three months. So  I got the kids busy downstairs and I my little one say, don't worry, mommy, I know how to pick a lock. I was like, no, no, no, no, you just stay downstairs. I know how to pick the lock.  Pick the lock and yeah, I always say the first vision, was like.

12:03
tunnel vision. was like, when you share the story about finding out your mom died, I'm like, oh,  I know that moment. Truly, listeners, it is like the movie where everything goes slow motion.  So I opened the door and I look and our bed was made.  One thing my sweet husband, Greg, never did was make the bed.  Never made the bed.  And right then and there I knew something happened to him and he didn't want someone walking in in a messy bedroom.  So I opened the door further and he had taken his life in our closet.  And what do you do?

12:33
when you see that and you knew he was gone.  There was no doubt.  And so I quietly locked the door  and I shut it behind me.  Went downstairs and said, kids,  daddy needs a little help. I need to call an ambulance, but I don't want you guys here when the ambulance comes.  So I'm going to get the next door neighbors who I knew were home.  They're very sweet. The drive you to Aunt Charlene's, that's my sister, rhymes for Donatee,  to my sister's house. And they were like, oh, like,  is that like, they kind of went white.

13:01
They're like, what do you mean? was like, no, it's just that he needs help. And I just don't want you guys here. Like when the ambulance comes. So they got whisked off by my very helpful neighbors. And I remember trying to call 911 and I had what you call frozen tongue. Now I know what it is. I've Googled it. Thank you, Google. But I couldn't even say the words. Like I remember my neighbor taking the phone and being like, yeah, yeah, he shot himself. Crazy, right?

13:31
That was one of the pivotal moments in the next hour after that.  Because when the police came, there were no kids there. I had actually taken our beautiful Irish setter  and put him in the cage, knowing that the police had to come in.  But I forgot to tell them that I locked the door behind me. So the police go running up  and the door is locked. Now if there's a dead person on the other side, it shouldn't be locked.  So all of sudden I became a suspect. And I don't blame them. I was supposed to be. That was right.

14:00
because they had to identify where my kids were. they, everyone was, the neighbors, everybody was like, no, no, she just cleared out. She knew what was happening. So I got put into my neighbor's backyard. They had a little bonfire, it was November, and sat there to wait while the police did their investigation. My sweet sister had come over. She was kind of monitoring the front of the house with the police and giving me information to the backyard. There was one police officer who I knew from church.

14:29
in that area who was put in charge of communicating with me.  Or I could say making sure I didn't go anywhere.  That's what he was in charge of.  And that's how the night went on. And  for that night, I always remember sitting by the fire. And I've just shared this recently. And to your point,  I would always say my husband died suddenly. I would never say it was suicide.  Out of  respect for him,  out of  respect for his extended family that had very difficult time because of their

14:56
Irish Catholic base really rubbing their heads around it.  And  it's actually been freeing to say it again. I wrote a book a few years ago and the whole story and that's what I've just said are in the first few chapters.  I thought, oh, thank God, I never have to tell the story again.  But what that did is open up the channels to tell the story again and again and again  so that people could really learn from it. But I will tell you, sit next to that fire,  I really thought I'm a girl from Philly. I am not going to let this define me.

15:26
Grit was something I always had. I can tell you upbringing wasn't the best, right?  But I always got it through. I always say no matter what happened to me in my upbringing,  I always had me. Like  nobody could take  me, the person inside. It's like this.

15:46
I won't let this change me. And that  was the vow I made right then and there  with the bonfire going.  That I was going to find my grit and my kids were going to be okay.  Yeah.  I I'm sorry is like  not the right word. And I understand that fully. It  doesn't do anything, but I do.

16:14
have such empathy for you  in this feeling of sudden loss,  knowing  the life that you were building, the challenges that you had gone through,  the things you knew.  Like you  had these gut feelings and it's like, it's a human experience that nobody talks about. And it's so, I like, it's just so important that you are talking about it. I think for many reasons, I mean, people listening, there are,

16:44
So many people out there that have unfortunately experienced something very similar with people around them,  and then they box it up. They keep it inside. Like it's ours to hold onto for some reason. But we're all just trying to get through this life and  whatever pieces are given to us and  how we handle this. So first of all, I'm just so sorry that you had to go through this experience.  But also,  the  strength.

17:12
for yourself and for your children that you showed in the moment. Was that on character, on brand for you in the way that you would approach hard things in your life before? You know, I think it's very funny. I think I have to thank my husband, Greg, for that. Because when we lived abroad, he was,  I would say he was an optimist who worried. He just worried.

17:32
He would always say, if something happens to me, how are you going to get the kids out of the country?  If something happens to me, how are you going to get to the embassy or the Vatican?  If something like, how are you going to do it? Like I remember in Rome,  traffic is like New York traffic on ancient roads. It is horrible.  I was there in like a US blue minivan.  Like I was a target waiting to happen. You couldn't get anywhere. Took you hours to go three miles.  And back in Italy, I started running marathons because I thought,  well,

18:02
I got two kids that I can put in a stroller, I put one on my back,  and I will get to the Vatican. It's a three mile run by foot if I had to. Wow. Yeah, I mean, that's  solve that most people wouldn't have. Yeah. And I always remember we got stranded in Florence once. The entire country lost power.  And we had three little kids. mean,  were  five, three, and two.  Yeah, think so. It took us a

18:26
36 hours to get home because there was no power, there was nowhere to stay, there was no food to be had. We're running out of diapers. And I was like, well, no matter what, we will get home at some point in time.  So those are things that my husband really put in me. Like,  you'll be fine. You're going to get back where you need to get back. So just stay still. But yeah, I give that to him. Like always knowing in a restaurant where you evacuate.

18:50
Counting the seats when you're on an airplane so you know how to get out the side. Some people think it's neurotic. I was trained that way. I'm so sorry.  That was it.  Well, mean, it probably  served you in this moment to  also give you something to do. Are you someone... I'm like that. If I'm in  some kind of state, like I have to go into project mode to kind of put things in order so that I feel like I'm accomplishing something, I guess. Yeah. And let's talk about that. That was me the whole first year.

19:18
Like I tell you, the pity party that happened happened at that  bonfire and then not very often afterwards. Really? Like for the whole first year. Very hard telling his family.  Very hard.  after that... kids?  Oh, telling Did you to tell your kids?  I did.  I did. It was probably about 2.30 in the morning.  I drove over to my sister's house  and  they were all on the couch watching TV, waiting for me. Yeah. What ages were they?

19:47
They were eight, 11, and 12.  So they kind of knew, but they didn't know.  And I just said it. I was like,  daddy was dead when I told you you had to go.  I always knew that I wasn't going to ever not tell them the truth. We can give them bits of information that are age specific  and loss specific, but I was never going to  lie or just think that they couldn't handle it.

20:17
because I don't want them hearing it from anyone but me.  And  luckily enough, I did because, wow, we're the new family in the school district who someone just committed suicide. I hate to say it that way or took their life by suicide,  but that's what the gossip was. Oh, do you know their dad committed suicide? And my kids are hearing it on the bus  two weeks after their dad passed because I will tell you, I was the mom that was like, guys have one week to be off from school and we are back.  One week. Enjoy your week off.

20:44
And they were on the bus. Like they were just, gonna, this is the new normal. So here we go.  But yeah, so the whole first year I was the brave widow.  Projects, managing, counseling, the whole bit. And I just didn't want  anything to catch up to me. So I, 100%, I think we're talking to the same person here, except your hair is better.  So,  but then year two came and after that year of the first, I was like, holy F, what am I gonna do? And that's really when the tears came.

21:10
And it's so funny, there's been more tears, I think, in the last five years than there were in the first six.  And that's okay. I think that's just maturity on my end. Are you sharing more? I mean, you must be sharing more in the last five years.  100%. My entire practice, my financial planning practice now helps widows, divorcees, and blended families. So it's a crux of everything I do all day long.  We volunteer. kids, the best thing my kids did, they went into this program called Safe Harbor, it's based off the Dougie Center.

21:37
and helps kids that have lost a parent or a caregiver. And when you even talked about being a young boy and like, it's just quiet, no one talks about it. Like that's the exact opposite that we do at Safe Harbor. So we do a lot of fundraising for them and I actually volunteer with the parent support group now. So this is my everyday, the subject matter. I live it, I breathe it and I'm passionate about it. It must give you more, I don't want to say more fulfillment, but it must be fulfilling.

22:07
because you know what it feels like. 100%. And I knew after Greg passed, like I said, I had given up my career to file in the fraud. Life insurance and a little bit of pension, some social security helps. Oh my gosh, it helps. I'm so happy we had all of that. But they go away at a certain period of time. And I knew I was 40 at the time. Like I have a long stretch before 65 and that sweet old Medicare kicks in. What am I going to do?

22:32
And so I knew I had to recreate my career or go back to the old one. And how do you do that with three grieving kids in a school district that they're brand new to? Like, it's like a big uphill battle. But again, I knew me and I was like, ah, I'm going to make something out of this. If I go back, it's going to have to be worthy. And I always say that's where you go from a job, which is like making waffles on the boardwalk, which I did in Wildwood. Listeners, Wildwood ain't bad. It's fine. To like a career, to financial forecasting. And now this is a mission.

23:03
because it is the actual work I do that I enjoy. The actual work is what fulfills me, not  money, not promotions, not anything else. It's the actual work. And that is the biggest change in the last six years.  Well, I want to thank you for your kids  and for  what you,  for being truthful with them. I mean, my dad was truthful with me with whatever he had. He says it's the hardest thing he's ever had to tell me. I'm sure that's probably very similar to what you had to talk to your kids, but

23:33
putting them in  places in which maybe they could move through life with the understanding and how to grieve and then all those things  maybe not was maybe wasn't 100 % solved. But I think that I thank you for them because I didn't have that opportunity. And I think  I look at these programs now that exists that probably did not exist really  widely. Yeah, not really.  But, you know, there's like this grief camp over in Europe. I don't know if you've seen that where

24:02
just a bunch of kids can go together. And it's not like they're going there to talk about the moments and all those things, but just people around you understand how you're feeling. You don't feel like you're the only person that has ever gone through this. So thank you for your kids. Thank you. And I'll share with you. We'll go a little deeper. So like I am remarried, got remarried two years ago, wonderful man.  And his kid's mom passed away a year and a half ago.

24:27
So when we say we're the blended family, we are the two parents with six kids from 15 to 23. And let's talk about, when you talk about shared environment.  So now we have three kids that lost their dad years ago. We have three kids that watched their mom battle cancer for years and then she passed.  But they're always just like, you're no different than me. We are all on the same playing field here.  We're all living with a parent that is not our true parent,  but they have to carry all of the roles, right? And we are now looked at as siblings  and

24:56
We don't really belong to one another, but they do in a very weird way. And it was this common story that I believe has bonded them into this beautiful sarcastic bunch of a-holes at times, but they are fantastic together and they lean in on one another. And it puts my husband and myself both in like, you're divorced and I'm widowed, right? He's in this weird thing of being divorced and then widowed, right? Like, I don't know. I don't even know what you call him. have to make up a word.

25:25
Would they be able to share in all of that has  been amazing.  But was also those kids went to a grief camp even before their mom died  to teach them really,  we know it's going to come, right? So  how do we talk about this? How do you manage extra family?  How do you say when you need quiet time?  How amazing for the evolution of who we are as Americans to have that there.  And these kids handled the loss of their mom so gracefully.  I'm impressed by them every day.

25:53
Yeah, no, mean, that's beautiful. it's the power of story, right? Like, I if we break it down to like the most basic thing, it's like sharing story. Whether it's the most beautiful story or the most challenging story, sharing that binds us. It brings us together. We understand each other. I mean, this is your Brady Bunch type family is like so the perfect example of that.

26:21
The other kids can see your kids and how they're like they're modeling life after. And I mean, there's such beauty there. I'm sure it's challenging at times, but there's no mate. We don't have an Alice. Oh, you don't have an Alice. Oh, yeah, it's coming. It's going to come. all going to be smooth once the Alice comes. It's going to be fine. They thought to know. I I just think it's it's beautiful on so many levels of such a challenging story for for all parties. But to find this blended beauty, which is

26:51
dare I say, pretty common these days of trying, not the beauty part, but blending families and bringing families together.  But you have such a unique,  not approach, but a unique coming together, I guess, because of the experiences that you have. Was that challenge to,  as you, as a woman going into dating again or meeting someone new,  does what happened to your first husband play any role in approaching dating again?

27:21
that now you're getting juicy. no, it's all good. I will honestly say, if I can look back, right, because you don't know where you are at the moment, if I can look back, I dated a little bit too soon. And my choices in people to date were probably not the best, right? But I always look back on it now, saying like, I really felt that I didn't have much value after Greg took his life. Because I was like, oh, if I'm not worth staying alive for, what am I worth? Right?

27:50
That was in my head because I would never say that to my kids. That wasn't the case and I knew it wasn't. There might be a part of Greg that left because he did love me so much. Like I'm not even sure. But I think that put me in a whirlwind of just wanting someone to tell me I was lovable. Therefore, dated too early, not the right people. And do you realize that? Your kids definitely tell you that, right? And when you're wise enough to listen, finally you do. So if the kids are listening, thank you.

28:16
I listened.  It wasn't that too long. They probably thank you as well.  They do. They really didn't like it. It still comes up in sarcastic conversations. like, oh my God, that was like 10 years ago. You got to stop.  And then I had  really just taken myself out of  the dating for a little bit there.  And how I met  my husband now, we met organically. He was a friend of a friend who came to help me with a house that we had bought that needed a lot of work.  And so that was that.

28:44
So then we fast forward, our worlds connected again. We were already friends. We already knew one another. And that was so refreshing. You don't have to go through the weird date. Like this person's been in your house for two years, ripping down drywall, right? And  he would work nights and weekends because he was taking care of his kids full time at that time.  like, wow. Even him and his wife came to my house when  I had run out of money. So I was like...

29:07
Okay, open house, let's just show off what we got because they ain't getting any better. This is it.  They had all come to the house with the big house party that we had. So that was kind of the connections of the family that we all knew.  When  we actually  did get married and then when we found out that his ex-wife was so sick, that was after we had already been married,  my kids actually sat me down because we lived in an adjacent school district. My kids are the older three and married younger.

29:32
But my kids are the older three and the other kids were the younger three and my kids were like, you cannot when their mom dies have them leave their school district and leave everything that they know and move into our house. I'm like, well, what am I supposed to do? Right? Like finances are finances. And they're like, well, you'll figure it out, but you can't have them do that. You know that. So it was my kid that kind of sat me down. I was like, no way. Like these kids get a fighting chance. They are not going to leave their school district. So January of my youngest squish, right?

30:01
of his senior year, we called his school and they're like, yeah, as long you've been here since January 1st, he can graduate the school.  And my husband and went and bought a foreclosure house in his kid's school district that could fit everybody.  As a financial planner, I'm not going to tell you how I did it, but there were some sacrifices on my end  to get that in. And he  is actually redoing the house, room by room, piece by piece. He's a talented carpenter  and he had to learn a lot off YouTube on top of being a talented carpenter.

30:29
to make this house so that we could afford being in that district, everybody would have their own room  and that it wasn't our house or their house. It was our family's new house.  And  I would stress over finances and do that again and again and again,  even though we didn't have running water or sewage for a long time.  Everyone showered in my office. It was pathetic.  Or the gym, but it was okay. We're there now. Everything flushes and runs, so we're good.  But when...

30:57
My stepkids, their mom, I don't even call them my stepkids,  when their mom died,  within a half hour they were in her house.  And it was like they didn't skip a beat.  They were already familiar with it.  She had seen their rooms. They already moved their winter clothes in  like they knew. And so they just shifted.  And that's when you call this the life shift. I'm like, oh, these little babies should be on the show because they did. They just shifted. It was beautiful.  You guys set that such a, mean, that's,  if you could

31:26
paint a perfect picture of a terrible circumstance.  You made it happen. You sacrifice for all that. And to be triggered by your kids to do that, like it's so beautiful. They're really good eggs, really good eggs. But that also being said,  did I do it without a little bit of irritation  because I had become so fiercely independent since my husband passed  and I didn't want to share or didn't want to be vulnerable to anybody else again?  Yeah.

31:54
I had to get, I used what we call EFT tapping to get out of my own way. I had to get out of my own way to be able to progress to this point with the kids. I was even hesitant to marry Jim, even though I adored him and I loved being married and so did he. Even though to end in divorce, he loved being married because I was so afraid of losing him one day. I was like, oh, well, I'll just not even have to patch that band-aid if I never marry him. The emotions were the same. Now, if I look back on it, like it was the best thing I ever did, really was.

32:25
If you look back on that moment, where do you feel like you started healing the most? Like, what was that from the moment to,  you said year two was when you started letting things in, but where do you feel like your healing took a turn? I think it was at the end of year two when I was like, all right, like I just had my pity party, right? Like, let's go. And I knew I had to recreate my career. I knew I had to go back.

32:50
and to be able to say what impacted me the most over the last two years. And that was truly the financial advisor that I had moved to, who really helped me understand what I have to do in the immediate time, where could I slow my roll, and what was the long-term outlook. He never asked me to dream or plan until retirement. He knew I was hanging on to each day. So now I can say I live each day. Back then, I was hanging on to each day. Plus three kids to take Exactly. Yeah.

33:16
And so I had, and my kids were getting a little older by then. So they were like 14, 13 and  nine, 11.  There's math for financial advisor, right?  But they were older. Yeah. They could come off the bus on their own, right? The older brother could help take care. And I'm sure he  bitched about it,  but he's, did it because that's what you do for your siblings when you got a sole parent.  But I did, reached out to my financial advisor and said, Oh, everything that happened the last two years, what you did for me was the most refreshing.

33:45
It was the most impactful  because I just wanted the answer of, I going to be okay financially?  And he kept giving me that answer, yes,  but we have some things we have to do, right? It's not just gonna manifest, you're gonna have to work at it.  And so I went out to him, was like, I wanna do what you did for me, but for these families in transition, for these widows.  The divorced people came a little later, I was just going straight for the widows  and widowers  because that was most impactful and I wanted to niche that. And so when I started studying for those exams, I had to go back to school.

34:15
study for those exams and the whole bit I was like, oh my God, this is it. This is exactly it. Like I was a statistician in college, so that felt better. But to put the purpose behind it and to be able to say, I can hold your hand, I've been there and I understand you fall apart on year two, you can come in for a little hug from your financial advisor and we'll have a cup of coffee. It's not all about your money and benefits and the whole bit, but I'm going to help hold your hand so that you don't have to be vulnerable again. So you don't have to be scared to get married again. You can be like, ah,

34:45
not as my financial advisor, we've got this.  Welcome.  Like that's a whole different feeling. That changed everything for me. It gave me the purpose.  It gave me the  energy. It gave me the excitement because, you know, I like to be accomplished. So I'm like, here we go. Let's go. And to see my kids  really support me and to be kind of proud of me was really nice. Really nice. Yeah.

35:09
Did those with your clients, did any of those conversations, I know it was work related, but did any of that help you heal through your process of losing your husband? It definitely did because, like you said, stories, right? Would you share your stories? Because a lot of it, when someone tells you,  when they've become comfortable with you they're very vulnerable, you learn. You're like, oh my god, I felt that way too.  Sometimes you just listen, but deep inside, I'm checking the boxes, being like, oh my god, I was not crazy in year two.

35:37
happens, right? And it's not from the stages of grief.  It comes very differently. That's just a good guide.  so it gave you some validation of some of your I can't tell anyone this I'm a little crazy right now or whatever you were thinking. I had the same experience with this podcast. I talked to  Beth is going to be so annoyed that I talk about her all the time. But  this was where I knew the true power of story.

36:03
Beth was on the show, her father died when she was five. She didn't have a great mother, so she was adopted by her  grandmother.  But she was really close with her father.  And in her teen years,  she convinced herself that her father was in witness protection.  And I did the same exact thing as a teenager, but I would not dare tell a soul because I was like, I knew logically that that was not true. I knew it was a little crazy, a little weird.

36:31
But when she said it, something lit up inside me where I was like, oh,  I'm not weird. Like I'm not a nut.  know, like, well, maybe I am. because of that moment, like it just was so validating. And so I can imagine in these conversations,  someone says something that maybe they think is a little weird and you're like, me too. Yeah. Right. And sometimes I'm very honest. Like, oh, that happens. Right.  Like,  they give them a little bit of relief. And back to the storytelling part.

37:00
Not like  I have my version. I shared with everybody very openly about when I found Greg and what happened there.  After my kids had gone through that Safe Harbor program years later, they had each taken a turn, not just randomly, not like a sit down, let's do this,  but randomly about what they remember of the night. And it was so eye opening  to hear from the kids  what it was. They left the house with no shoes on because so  emphatic that they get out of the house.

37:30
and their shoes were upstairs, not someplace they weren't going, right? It was up the steps that they literally went to my sisters with no shoes on their feet. I didn't know that. I thought I did a great job and made it all seamless. You did a great job. Thank you, my love.  But those were those little things, right? Or the fact that my youngest was like when we actually got his possessions back from the police officer,  my son was there like two days later, a day later.  And on

37:57
in the little bag where my husband's wedding ring and his watch were, it said victim. And so my son always had a question mark of did daddy really take his life? Because why would it have a bag that says victim? These are things that you don't hear until years later when either they offer their story or you ask. Yeah. Story. When you said that, have my mom's engagement ring right here and it just it's like part of.

38:24
you know, the Life Shift podcast in a way that I can look over  and realize. And this is probably true for your children. Maybe not. Maybe you're really good at sharing these stories. But like my mom right now, because I lost her at eight, which it sounds like your kids were around that same age. She's more of a figment these days of a mother. Right. Like I can remember a little bit, but I don't have a lot of memories with her. And so  there's this weird place right now in which she exists as as

38:53
the impetus for the show and for who I am  as an adult now, for all the things that happened because of that moment. But also I carry her with me in a way that like it feels like she's here too. Yeah. No, that makes perfect sense. My youngest Squish, he was eight, same age.  And he is very, very close with my husband Jim. So Squish's real name is James.  My new husband is Jim. They call him Junior and it's just hysterical because, you know, it's not blood.

39:21
But he even says, like, I know of my dad from stories, but I don't even remember his voice. I bear it because he was traveling or sick. I barely remember him outside of Rome when I was three to five. Right. Like, I mean, you've created beauty from a really devastating experience that you would not wish on anyone. And you would hope no one ever experiences that again. And the unfortunate nature is that that people will. And so.

39:49
What's so important to me is that you continue telling your story. I you wrote this book, which is great. I'm glad that wasn't the last time you told your story as hard as it is, as hard as I see it is for you to still tell. There's so much power in sharing that. And I hope you feel that.  100%, which is why after the book came out, I've told the story  so many times.  Not usually this in depth, I will tell you.  The door opening and all of that,  I usually just say, found him. Right? Like, that's that.

40:19
But this was the pivotal moment. really was.  my conversation at the bonfire with my head, with me,  was really what I think back on on a daily basis. Like when you have those bad days,  like I got grit.  I'm going to be fine. I'm to be fine.  That was,  mean, it sounds like that was your protection. That was you,  like,  this is what I got to do. This is the mode I need to shift into right now because  the other parts I can't.

40:50
I can't do right now. It took me 20 years to find that version. I was going say that's very mature of you because that's true. Your brain will let you deal with what you can handle at certain points. And that was it. It was peeling an onion after that. And that was year two. What can I handle? What can I not? And that was really redefining my career and working with everyone in widowhood. I learned from each and every one of my clients. Each and every one.

41:18
And I mean, just the purpose and now knowing the ripple effect that your role has  on these women, these people that you work with and  how now you're helping them, which then in turn helps their children, which then, you know, like it just  becomes this beautiful butterfly effect that you're creating with your work and getting paid for it. So that's nice too.

41:41
I just hope, yeah, yeah, yeah. Being able to support this family of six is, I'm going to get an Alice. I'm going to work harder. I'm going to get an Alice. But no, it's going to be fine.  Once my husband's done with the third floor bathroom, I was told I could get a little help in the house. You  got to get to the third floor.  We got to get to the third floor. Yep. That sewage.  Definitely need some running water and some sewage. We had the big kitty litter box in there. I'm like, good, it's a bathroom for someone. Awesome. It's not for you guys, right?

42:10
That's for just the  It depends how much the kids have been drinking. It's fine.  Can I just say thank you for  sharing your story? Because  as wildly different as our stories are, hearing your story is like another bandaid on that wound that I didn't know I still had. So thank you for helping  me in  a  healing way by just being you.

42:39
and by sharing how you navigated this life shift. And I appreciate the safe environment you made to share that story. That's you. So thank you. You know,  I guess I hope  my mom would probably be really upset that I was talking about her all the time, but because she was a very private, private woman from what I hear. But, you know, I think if I could find  some kind of silver lining, which I it's  maybe not the right words, had all that not happened.

43:09
Had I not failed at grieving for two decades, had my father  had the tools to help me or help himself or any of those pieces, we would not be having this conversation.  would not be,  people would not be listening to this and maybe feeling less alone in their circumstances.  So as hard as it is to say that certain things have happened because of that, I'm happy  of my journey so far.

43:39
to bring me here and I hope you feel the same for yourself.  I do. Sometimes I feel guilty  by saying I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life, right? Because I have three beautiful babies and  I am so lucky to be a person that found love twice.  Some people never find it. I I found two great guys to be married to.  So sometimes I feel really guilty saying that, but I will say  I took this and I made purpose out of it. So I'm allowed to be really happy and proud because of that.  I'm allowed. Yeah. No, I think that's...

44:09
What another, I mean, it's just a great model. think sometimes, and maybe you know people in your life that have experienced loss and they carry it with them in a way that they think society needs to see them  be downtrodden or broken all the time. And  not because they don't want to  feel good, but because they just think everyone should see them that way.  you are like,  I'm going to make this good.

44:39
I really am.  I really am. Each and every day. Well,  I love it. I love that you found purpose. I love that you  wake up each day and try to make it the best day that you can because there's  no doubt your children are like probably absorbing some of that, whether they want to admit it or not.  Thanks for saying that.  if you're listening, children, you probably have absorbed some of this. I think it's so important.  If  you now

45:09
DJ could go back to Donna when you were folding your blouse or getting your blouse ready for that date. Is there anything that like this version of you would want to whisper in her ear or do for her?

45:29
You know, I'm not a person that looks back in life and says, if? Because you can't change it, right? You can't change what God does. You can't change what other people do. You can only change what you do.  But again, I always believe I have the person talking in the back of my head, not schizophrenic listeners,  but there's always someone in the back of your head  talking to you as you're making decisions. It's your intuition. I like to call it your spiritual guide now, right? Like that's it.  I would have just told her to breathe. Just breathe,  right? I think I held my breath and ran for life  for a good two to three years.

45:58
I would have just told her to breathe through it. It might have helped a little bit. Yeah. Wouldn't have changed anything like you said, but... No, it might've just helped  to catch your breath, to take a moment,  maybe to cry a little more in the beginning. Maybe. But  who knows? But if I could have just breathed a little bit more, it would have been good.  It's an impossible question, but it's so,  you know, it's interesting.

46:23
I think if we were to think of our lives like movies, we'd probably, that character would probably like do all these things to like change everything. And, and so many people, their responses to this  impossible question are like, it's going to be okay, or you're going to be okay,  or  a hug, just simply no words, just a hug to know that like, someone's got you. So it's nothing big things. It's like human resilience is going to win.

46:53
in most cases. And so, you know, thank you for telling your story in that way. And thank you for humoring me with this question. I love it. I love it. If people want to connect with you, they're inspired by what you've talked about or what you offer to the world. Like, what's the best way to get in your orbit? Find your books, find your podcasts, like tell us all the ways to find you unless you don't want them to. No.

47:18
Pretty traceable. The best is going to [DonageneKendrick.com](http://donagenekendrick.com/). And on there, you'll find all of our books. We have a second book called The Blend, so Navigating Families. And you'll hear my real story of me and my temper tantrums about saying yes to marriage and blending finances and sharing. I didn't play nice the sandbox. I'm like pre-nup and out. Are you an only child? No. No, no, no. I know, right? Yeah. I'm an only child. I don't like to share. So that's why I was curious.

47:47
No, I think I just had an older sister who took everything. So you're just like, okay, if I have anything left over, I want it. I want it. she was the type like, you know how like, you know, you have a pop tart and you have like the frosted side. She would like nibble off all the frosting and then it hit me the pop tart. The one I was so skinny, I couldn't give blood till I was like 24. I didn't hit the weight requirement. Now it's not a problem.

48:12
But no, you can go to [DonnagingKendrick.com](http://donnagingkendrick.com/) that has the Widowhood book. It has the blended book. We're doing a book about navigating divorce fairly with the finances, love, heart, soul, and place.  All of our podcasts, speaking engagements, and honestly the best part, a whole bunch of really good resources.  Where to find help if you're in widowhood, how to navigate your own finances if you're on your own. I just needed those resources to be out there.  How to organize your documents if something happens to you as a sole parent,  because it's more about the give.

48:42
be okay on my end. So let's just keep giving on this end. So yep, [DonnageenKendrick.com](http://donnageenkendrick.com/). That's where it all is, my friend. I don't have t-shirts and good swag like you. not yet. It's coming. Wait until my marketing person hears this. She's like, oh, golden. Yes, I love it. Well, you already told me I could do it. So what if someone's listening and they're feeling like you did in year one, almost year two?

49:12
and they're feeling quite alone. Would you welcome people reaching out to you and just sharing their story with you? You can say no, but... No, definitely. we have our own podcast too, Widow Wisdom and Wealth,  and we put that out there as a portal for people to share their stories.  And that's kind of new for us.  And I just think that we, like you said, we learn from other people's stories, not just me yabbering all the time on a podcast with a host.  No,  I want to learn from the other people. That's how we're inspired. That's it. Wow. Yeah.

49:42
I welcome it. Keep telling your story. Keep crying. I think that's important. It's healthy. We need to we need to model that  and just keep being you. You're just such a light  despite this really hard story that you shared. I I still feel your light and your energy that I mentioned at the very beginning. So thank you for  for showing up in this way. It just it changes my life. Right. Just by this this one hour that we spent together.

50:08
It's just so important. So I encourage anyone listening, share your story, talk to people, listen to people. Even if it's the hard things that you grew up and you were told you were not supposed to talk about those things, do it anyway. Because there's so much value in it. Would you agree? Yes. Use us as practice people. Give us a call.  Even if you don't go public with it yet, just saying it out loud  changes the world. I had to put it on pieces of paper and put it into a book, close my eyes and hand it to a publisher  to push me to that point.

50:37
It shouldn't have to take that long. Find your tribe. Yeah. Find your people.  Thank you all for listening to the LifeShift Podcast. Thank you, Donna, for just being a part of this journey  that I am on, that we're all on together. It's just been such a pleasure. Oh, thank you, Matt. Any way I can help you in your community, you let me know. Will do.  And with that, I'm going to say goodbye and I'll be back next week with a brand new episode of the LifeShift Podcast. Thanks again, Donna. Thank you.

51:15
For more information, please visit  [www.thelifeshiftpodcast.com](http://www.thelifeshiftpodcast.com/)