The Moment Robb Kelly Stopped Running From Himself

00:00 Sometimes life has to break us open before we can really see who we are. For Dr. Rob Kelly, that breaking point came years after addiction, loss, and shame. And it led him to a moment of surrender that changed everything. What I love about Rob's story is that it's not about perfection. It's about becoming perfectly imperfect. It's about learning that healing isn't always about erasing what happened, but rather using it to help someone else find their way back. 00:29 A wife had followed me down and she snatched a bottle of vodka off the side of the counter. And she said, Rob, I think you've had enough. What I should have done is said, yes, Mrs. Cammie, you are right. Gone back up to sleep. I took a kitchen knife and stabbed her three times because she wouldn't let me finish my bottle of vodka. I'm Mackel Hoolie, and this is The Life Shift, candid conversations about the pivotal moments that have changed lives forever. 01:07 Hello everyone, welcome to the Life Shift Podcast. I am here with Rob. Hello, Rob. Hey, Matt, how are you doing? Great to be here. I am doing well. Anyway, thank you for wanting to be a part of the Life Shift Podcast. I, an eight-year-old, I had my first main life shift moment, and that's kind of where the show all comes from, because when I was eight, my dad had to pull me into his office one day and tell me that my mom had been killed in a motorcycle accident. And at the time, my parents were divorced, lived thousands of miles apart. 01:37 and I live with my mom full time. And so for me, everything about that moment crushed anything that came after, at least in my eight-year-old brain. just didn't, there was like everything about my life's about to change and I don't know what that means and I don't know if there's hope. And this was the time period there was no mental health help, there was no grieving help, there was no nothing. And so I just assumed I had to look like I was gonna be okay. 02:04 And so I pushed down grief for about 20 plus years or so. And all the while behind the scenes, I'm like, do other people have these like line in the sand type moments in which from legit one second to the next, someone says a word and your whole life changes in that moment. And so now I get to talk to over 220 plus people now about all sorts of life shifting moments, big ones. Well, I don't wanna scale them, I guess. 02:34 but external ones, internal ones, so many of them, and as wildly different as they are, I've really found, and this is gonna sound cheesy, but there are so many things that I can relate to in someone's experience of their pivotal moment and the way they felt, the way they moved through it, those things, not the actual experience. And it's like, we have so much in common. And I know we say it, but it's really true through story. 03:04 So thank you for just coming on this wild ride with me. Of course. Of course. So before we get into your story, I was going to say wild ride, but I don't want to determine what your story is like. But maybe you can tell us, 2025, who is Rob? How does Rob show up in the world? How do you identify these days? Hey, guys. Great to see you. My name's Dr. Rob Kelly with two B's. I'm over in San Antonio. We have five clinics around the world staying. uh 03:32 Switzerland, Manchester, London, Dallas and San Antonio is our head office. Do a lot of TV, books, all that great stuff. But we basically change lives. We help people to overcome stuff like alcoholism, addiction, depression, PTSD, anxiety. And we're just doing right now some early work on Alzheimer's where we've shown a 13 % increase in short-term memory. We have a software that we have. So married, two English bulldogs, one cat. 04:02 drive the car of my dreams, live where, the house of my dreams worked hard over the last 20 years I've been in America. I came over for two weeks actually to Dallas, Texas, and I never went home. That's how it started, yeah. So I opened a practice here as soon as it became a green card. I'm uh American now, I'm fully American citizen, and I love it here. I love the people and I love getting up every morning knowing quite well that today we're gonna save a life. 04:31 I don't get involved in the money, I don't get money in the social need, none of that. We just heal people and bring families back together again. I'm happy, I'm joyous, I'm free. And like I said before, you know, when I was homeless, I used to dream of living. But today, guys, I'm the dream. I think that's, I mean, meaningful work right there. That is something that probably makes it a little easier to get up every morning. Yeah, definitely. I just love people. 05:01 I love seeing, I mean, I'm lucky enough to bless people and money tree on and leave the house. I'm always complimenting people. My staff are all the same. They do the same thing. We just want to make the world a happier place because we, all of us in this company, in every office around the world is recovered from it could be PTSD, Alzheimer's, alcohol, drugs. So we know that journey and we captured that horrible stuff that we go through. 05:29 I went to hell and back, but we take that and we move it forward and becomes our greatest asset to identify with people that are going through this. Yeah. I I talk to people about these types of things all the time, and I'm sure you see this firsthand, but in these conversations, I listen to these stories and their moments are these seemingly insurmountable things that have happened to them or they're moving through in their life. 05:57 And then you hear how they went through and where they are now. I'm like, dang, there's such resilience in the human spirit if we have the tools or the resources around us to help us move down this path and create whatever that path looks like for ourselves. And those of us that have, I think we feel so kind of lucky in a way that we were able to access the things we needed to get to where we are. Do you see that in most people that you work with and who Stephanie works with? 06:27 uh 100%. You know, I've worked with over 11,000 patients right now over 30 years. It's the same thing, you know. Once you know the neuroscience behind everything, which we've studied for 15 years before it was even called neuroscience, you find your identity and find out why you're self-sabotaging in a pattern that's destructive. You can do anything and be anybody that you want to be. I mean, we work with entrepreneurs, podcasters, I mean... 06:55 The range is pretty wide because take alcoholism for instance, alcohol has 1 % to do with alcoholism. It's like you said, it's all the same, it's here. And once we can go through that process, and I mean, coming from homelessness, the projects before that to where I am now, people would say it's impossible, but I know millions of people that's done just like me. You just need to know who you are, what you do, I know what you're suffering from and discard that stuff. It sounds easy when I say it. 07:24 There's a process that takes 90 days, of course, but yeah, just, I can't believe why people are not jumping on this hundred, 200, 500 a day because of fear and shame remorse and all that stuff. It's like, I would hate to get to 80 years old, look back to when I was 30s and realize that there was nobody watching me and I really could have done anything I wanted to do. That is why I work with people. 07:54 I'll have you kind of paint the picture of your life leading up to this life shift moment, but I'm curious because you mentioned like shame and all those elements that come with like why people don't seek out help. Did you have like growing up, did you absorb those too like most of us do? Like society has given you certain shame things to have shame about? Yeah, 100%. So we believe that childhood trauma is the gateway drug. 08:21 Everybody suffers in some way from that, but it's not the trauma that you know, the treatment centers know today, which is much deeper than that. And certain types of brain are more sensitive to a trauma. It's very deep, but everybody carries it. If you're not in the ideal situation with the ideal partner, doing the ideal job with a great life every day, you're doing something wrong. And that's basically correlating right back to when somebody said or did something here. But here's the clever part. 08:50 Back in my day, they normalized this. So we didn't know it was a childhood trauma. Like my parents used to drop me off at their friends on a Friday. We used to stay overnight at their house and mom and dad would pick us up Saturday morning. I didn't know, but when my parents pulled out the drive, me, two of the kids and four adults got asked to get all naked and run around called the run around naked game. And they would catch us and ticklers and stuff like, I didn't know that was sexual child abuse. I didn't know that at the time. 09:19 It's just what it was unheard of. But now we're unmasking that stuff and we find that most people have a story. Yeah, they sure do. And speaking of, maybe you can kind of paint the picture of your... mean, you just kind of shared some what we would now call very traumatic, which was probably very traumatic. just was normalized in that situation. Paint the picture of your life leading up to this pivotal moment that really changed who you are. So I didn't do great in school. I was a musician. 09:49 I was on stage at the age of nine and at the age of 16, I was the session bass player, Abbey Rhodes. So I played without John, David Bowie, Queen, all them guys. So I have that part of the brain that like alcoholic addicts do is it's all or nothing. Like I do something to the extreme or I don't bother doing it. So all these successes that I've done, I was drinking alcohol all through them. I was lucky enough to go to college. So I took my first drink at the age of nine years old and it 10:18 It took my identity. It robbed me of my identity and childhood because I equaled drinking to good time. And every time I wasn't drinking over a period of time, it was a depressive, horrible time in my life. So I went through school, had a couple of jobs, started my own business, found a girl that I married. I was drinking every day now. We had a beautiful child called Charlotte. 10:44 And I swore to my wife, to the doctor at the hospital and my hand on the Bible that I would stop drinking. I had never touched alcohol again. It was probably the worst four hours of my life. That's all I lasted. Same with the second child came along. Well, now we have a dog, two children, house, a wife, a car. I have to be sensible now. I lasted about nine hours and I was drinking again. this continued. And the stuff that happened in that house was not me. I was a monster. 11:14 alcohol all the time. I remember coming downstairs at two or three o'clock in the morning. I'd woken up out of a sleep. Well, I never used to sleep. I used to pass out and come around. So I come around about three o'clock in the morning. went down, I crept downstairs to find some more vodka. And I was looking and I found one. I took it down, I put it as a handle, big size pint, whatever it is. And I was like, oh my God, yes. So put it down. I turned around to get a crystal glass. 11:43 See the madness, a crystal glass that's worth about $200. You know, I got this big Chris. I turned around and my wife had followed me down and she snatched a bottle of vodka off the side of the counter. And she said, Rob, I think you've had enough. What I should have done is said, yes, Mrs. Kelly, you are right. Gone back up to sleep. I took a kitchen knife out and stabbed her three times because she won't let me finish my bottle of vodka. I called a taxi. When the taxi arrived, I called the ambulance and police. 12:13 And when I heard the sirens, I fled to Spain. And there was an attempted murder charge on me for several months. She was fine in the end. She dropped charges back in the day. You could do that in England. And I came home. She was there with my children. And she says, love you today, I die, but you're not going to kill our children, And she left, man. And she left. And my heart went, I was three, I was two or three days sober when I come back. So I got my attorney. 12:42 get my children back tomorrow. He went to the court, got an order of some kind, brought my children back at 10 o'clock in the morning. He knocked on the door, brought the kids in, sat them in front of the TV, gave them a check, closed the door. And this was my third day sober and I walked into the kitchen and I thought, yes, I've done it. Wouldn't it be great to celebrate with just a beer, one beer in the fridge, just to celebrate the kids coming home? Two days later when the police kicked the door in. uh 13:11 I was in a stupor. There was bottles all over the place. My children hadn't been. 13:17 hadn't been changed or fed for two days. I needed to kill them children. The police took my two babies off me. I stumbled as they kicked me awake, stumbled to my feet. I got to the door and the child authorities there, child protection services, the police were there, my wife was there, her mother was there. And my mother-in-law took the youngest one and my wife took Charlie, he was like three or four, so she's walking down the path with her. And my daughter said three things. 13:47 30 years ago, she said, Daddy, Daddy, please don't go. I'm crying. Even one of the police officers were crying. It was just heart wrenching. Halfway down the path with mommy, she turned around again and she said, Daddy, Daddy, please get better. And as they got down to these big wrought iron gates. 14:07 She turned around one more time and she said, Daddy, daddy, please stop drinking. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it for them. couldn't do it for me. A few weeks later, I was on the streets homeless. I'd signed everything over to my wife for the children. My mom and dad threw me out. Friends threw me out. Acquaintances threw me out. Within several weeks, I remember sitting in the middle of Manchester, it's called Piggie Dilly Gardens, thinking what the hell just happened, you know? 14:36 She'll be okay. I'll go home tomorrow and she'll be okay. But as soon as I stepped on the premises, she called the police. So did my mom and dad, my brother, sister, and anybody that know they've all been told to call the police. And there started my 14 months on the streets. I died twice on the streets and they brought me back. And I hated them then for that because I wanted to die. One morning, two or three o'clock in the morning, it's Sunday night, Monday morning, it's pouring down with rain. 15:04 And in the back ends of Manchester, there's only factories and offices, no houses, no people. And I dropped down to my hands and knees. Now, I wasn't a God person because my priest had molested me. That's another thing I got blamed for. I told my mom and she hit me with a shoe, wooden shoe, and she sent me upstairs with no dinner or nothing. But I said, I just looked up with tears streaming. I looked up to the sky and I said, if there's a God up there, 15:33 I can't do this on my own anymore. Matt, when I tell you 30 seconds later, a guy walked around the corner. His name was Derek. He said, hey, you doing okay? And I started crying, was sobbing and no, I'm dying, I'm an alcoholic. Now he'd come, he'd missed his last bus home, so he'd walked for at least two hours. He took a shortcut near his house that he's never took before, because he never had to walk home. And he came upon me. So was hours later that he left. He took me back to his house. 16:03 And he said, Rob, you can stay there for as long as you want, but you've got to come to these AA meetings. I cannot have you drinking in the house. I'm recovering from alcoholism. So I went the next day and during that meeting, I heard a guy called John speak and he was very powerful. So after the meeting, I went over to him and said, hey, John, name's Rob, will you sponsor me? And he said, no, but I will be a spiritual advisor for a period of 12 weeks, which I thought was weird. 16:31 Tony's bring a dictionary and the big book to his house. I left Derrick's at six. I got there at 10 till, but the instructions were, you don't come into my apartment on the third floor until one minute to. So I'd wait downstairs. One, I'd walk up, knock on the door. John would come open the door. We'd spend an hour together about God, about philosophy, about everything. A healing people as I 61. I didn't know what that meant, but he kept telling me that. I did that for 12 weeks, Matt. 16:57 Every single Wednesday, 12 weeks, I knew that when I finished there that I can help people and I probably never drink again. A couple of days, the last day I was there, said, Rob, your life's going to change. That has a plan for you. And I remember saying to him, John, I'm in Derek's basement with a blot mattress. Nobody knows I'm there. And he smiled at me and he sent me on my way. The next day, Derek come home during the day and said, hey, Rob, there's a part-time job sweeping the factory floor. The guy's resigned. You want it? And I said, yeah. 17:25 It later turned into a full-time job. So when I got my first pay packet, I bought a little teddy bear. must have only been that, so I could afford my card. And I wrote on the card and went back to John's apartment. When I got there, was knocking, knocking, knocking, no answer. The woman on the right-hand side opened her door and said, hey, love, can I help you? I said, yeah, where's John? As he moved, I mean, it doesn't look the same. John, John who? I said, John, your neighbor. 17:53 Oh, I'm on night shift. don't see him. Okay. Went around to the left hand side, knocked on his door. Big guy comes to the door and says, what do you want? Where's John? Is John relocated or something? He said, John who? The guy next door, what's wrong with you guys? I know I've got the right place. He went on to tell me that until recently there was all yellow tape over there and the apartment was derelict. And if I did walk in, I'd fall three flights down and kill myself. So I'm thinking these guys are weird. So the next day I went. 18:22 back to the meeting where I'd met John, like, I don't know, four months ago, hoping somebody would recognize me. And I walked in and the chairman was like, Rob, and I'm like, thank God for that. I thought I was going crazy and we hugged and I said, does John still come in? And he said, John who? I said, the guy, I was speaking to him over in the coffee machine, we're talking about, you know, the 12 week dinner. I said, what are you talking about, Rob? We saw you, we thought you were praying, you were kind of talking to yourself. We've never found that man. 18:51 99 % of my 98 % success rate with over 11,000 patients, never unheard of, is the reason why I'm here today. So I then, when I got welfare, I got the best private detective agency in Manchester, if not England, and we could never trace it. So this was, I mean, this was in you? Yeah. Was that what we're, yeah. Yeah, I mean, it was an angel, I think. In fact, I know it was, because everything he told me came true. 19:21 So yeah, mean, that kind of power behind me, he told me that I would leave my home country and go thousands of miles away. Well, it's exactly 455 miles from where I live to where I live today, 4,500 and something miles. It was true. He told me I'd be on a big stage, I'd be on TV and he'd write these books and you'd be, you know, the best in the industry and everything's come true. And it was the craziest story ever. 19:51 Yeah, I mean, I don't know what part to acknowledge because that is quite a journey. And it sounds like you had a bunch of trauma as a child. So I know you brought up childhood trauma. And do you associate that taking the drink at nine as a part of trying to feel better than you did when you weren't drinking because of all those things that were happening? think people primate. So alcoholics are born drug addicts, made. 20:19 Alcoholics is a disease, drug addictions, it's not. Throw stuff at the screen guys, just bear with me. I'm the leading authority at Harvard University with their psych hospital there. I kind of just bear with me with new neuroscience, but I know people take drugs today and drink because of the pain that they're going through. And the crazy thing is that most of this pain is subconscious. Because anything we see, feel, touch from birth is stored in the subconscious brain, every file. 20:48 every picture, every saying, it's all stored there. And you fight that every day and messages will come out every day. And it comes out at the wrong time. Like you're just going to go for that interview and all of a sudden, 30 years ago, your dad said, you piece of crap, you never amount to anything. Oh, that pops in the prefrontal cortex. And this goes on and on. So you end up not living the life you want to live and believing that you can't live the life you want to live. And guys, I got to tell you, that's just not true. Yeah. 21:17 It's hard though. mean, it sounds like you struggled through that just because, I mean, you just kept drinking and drinking and drinking. there was, did you feel like you were in control in the moment and then you just chose to do that? Or did you feel like you were addicted? Like, did you know, I guess you do logically, but know that you're addicted to that and yet choose to continue drinking? That's probably one of the best questions that have ever been asked over 21:46 God knows how many thousands of podcasts have done. At the time, I thought there's nothing wrong. Everything's good. You know, I'd be at work, I'd be drunk, the staff would leave, know, people would me to stop drinking. My wife was crying every day, please don't drink today. But in my mind, and we know why today, in my mind, there was nothing wrong. I was on the streets match for 14 months and still didn't think I was an alcoholic. Really? Until that one day, yeah, even after the incident with my wife and... 22:14 The fights on the streets and everything I went on, I just thought was going through a bad patch in my life. And that one day it all was sorted out, but it never did. only after did I realize the state of mind was insanity. I was fully, absolutely insane for the last 20 years of my life. And during that period, it, does it feel like, okay, I don't know how to phrase this. I think. 22:42 I think of the sober version of you now, or when you got sober, did you have to learn who you were? Oh, Matt. Oh my God. I'm telling people this all the time. You lose your identity. Yeah. You totally don't know who you are. And we see this with patients all the time, where even in marriages, you know, they split up. The woman usually has no identity. It's usually all this stuff they do. No, I had no idea who I was. 23:11 And that was the biggest shock of all, is if somebody asked me then, who are you? I probably start crying and go, I don't know. And that's what we see on a daily basis with the patients that we see today. They've lost their identity. And because of the trauma, they can't get it back and you end up being lost. So yeah, that's another brilliant question. I'm just curious because I mean, if you live for so long in a state, you become like 23:41 For me, my mom died when I was eight. So my tiny brain at the time was like, I was abandoned. So I can't do anything wrong because my dad might abandon me. And then I didn't deal with that for 20 years. So it just became my identity. And so when I started to go through the grief, like in my early thirties of losing my mom when I was eight, I was like, how do... 24:06 how do I show up for me now instead of trying to be perfect for someone else? And that, as small as it may seem, was really challenging to be like, what do I want to do? So I can't imagine being totally lost in alcohol for so long that you would be able to even, like, you must feel like a newborn coming out here. Like, what do I actually want to do? What do I like to do? What is life? How do I enjoy it? 24:35 There are many people who say to us when they get well, wow, I feel like I'm in my 20s again. And there's some truth to that. When you lock yourself away, the brain has a great way of protecting us from going insane. So it locks that trauma away. But the blow on our psychological and central nervous system is such a blow that it needs treating. Otherwise it always sticks there. 25:03 People will come all the time, got no childhood trauma, don't know what you're talking about. My answer is why he's sat in front of me. It's the first question. It's like you have to go back, uncover, discover, discard, and there may be hundreds of trauma, but it's there. And if it doesn't come out, it'll destroy you. You know what depression looks like? Hey man, how you doing? Oh, I'm doing great, man. How are you man? Oh, okay. I'll see you tomorrow, yeah? That's what depression looks like from our studies. 25:31 My wife's brother was an alcoholic struggling. He was at a barbecue with all the family. This was 12 years ago. He had his two boys there, his wife and everything. Everything was going great. And he said to my wife, listen, I'm to shoot on for a bit. It's like everyone's drinking. But I'll come back, I'll see you at five, and don't forget tomorrow we're going to have a look at that new car for you. All right, sis, I won't be long. Big hug. Drove off. What the cameras in the house picked up is he drove into the driveway. 26:01 He got out the car, walked into the garage, he picked a loaded gun up and shot himself in the head. That's depression, man. That's alcoholism. It's not what we think it is. know, look at Robin Williams, God bless. uh mean, depressed people put that mask on when they go out the house. And some of the most depressed people I've ever worked with are some of the funniest people on film and movies that are basically burnt out and sad, 26:28 but they're expected to perform every time somebody sees them and they just break. Well, and it's so exhausting to wear that mask in front of other people. I mean, I don't, I wasn't clinically depressed, but having been depressed before in my life and showing up at work and doing all that. And it's not that I wasn't having a good time with the people with my mask on, but the energy sucks. 26:57 is by the end of the day, you just want to go to sleep and, you know, and avoid the world. And it's really challenging. So I guess it's similar in other addictions as well. So the fundamental basic of all addictions is there are Lord addictions. It doesn't make a difference. Food, porn, sex, cake, or whatever it is, there's a primary fundamental baseline in there that's making us do this and time and time and time again. 27:27 So we studied all kinds of addictions and eating, being overweight or overeating was the best in the world because 99.9 % of those people weren't hungry. They were just self-sabotaging. And the more weight they put on them, the they couldn't look at themselves in the mirror. And all of sudden it gets over the other side and then we reach out and bring them back. It's like, you know, you can recover from every every psych illness in the world. You can recover. 27:56 Even dementia will see these great results, but you have to realize that everybody knows somebody who's suffering. And if they don't, it's probably them. Just get that out of the way. And that you have to be kind to people and you have to smile at people and compliment people. And I monetary bless just because I can. uh People in the, in everything all day, I monetary bless somebody, whether it be a gas station, whether a woman squeezing. 28:21 $5 a gas out and it's got three kids in the back and it breaks my heart to do that I'm in a place today where I can do something about it, depression kills Anxiety kills, you know, and you see these guys at work, know, they'll go get something the boss say listen Monday morning I need that are no problems. It's Wednesday Thursday Friday. I got his weekend Monday morning gets in at 8 a.m. He goes hold crump. We've got my reports got being by 12 28:49 So he spends the next four hours frantically typing away and at five to 12, he presses the send button and he convinces himself that he works well under pressure. Nobody works well under pressure. We're not supposed to be under pressure. So when you're 40 years old, come see me and you're lucky 80. He we can't keep putting pressure on the human body. It's bright, but we're not meant for that. You know, we're just not meant for it. No, for sure. Question. When you're starting to 29:20 learn who you are when you're starting to become this version of you after that encounter in the warehouse area and all the things with John and 29:35 Do you have to or do you choose to reconcile any of the bad or quote unquote bad things that had happened before while you were drinking? Like I feel like myself, I would think back with any, I don't know what kind of feeling I would think back of like, why did I do that? And then figure out how to reconcile that with the new version of you. Yeah, I went back and I had made a verbal apology. Like if I stole because I did, 30:04 A lot of times, I stole the guy, I stole $2,000. Well, back in 1984, I don't know what he was, that was a lot of money. So I went back. wasn't really doing, you know, I was kind of unemployed at the time. I was on my journey after John and I went in, so he allowed me in his office, I sat down and like, I'm so sorry, I'm in this. He said, Rob, you're an alcoholic. I said, I know. He said, you're doing your work, aren't you? He says, I know. I says, can I pay you back a dollar a week? 30:34 It's a brilliant role. I'm really, of course you can pay the bucket dollar a week. And that's how I kind of make my peace with the world. It's like everything I did, I went back with mom, dad, all that stuff. I had to sit them down and the more we know today, like it's a disease. Back in the day, you didn't know that. But yeah, and I think if you still are not speaking to your mom or your sister for whatever reason, you need to clean that shit up guys, because I'm telling you. 31:02 It will ruin you and you probably won't even know it's ruining you. You'll just have a crap life. You know, we don't have time in this world. Everybody thinks we have time. Moms, you heard this one. One minute I'm waving over to kindergarten, the next minute I'm waving over to college. Where's that time gone? We think we don't have time. So date that girl, buy that house, start that empire, do it now. Guys, don't wait because you don't have... 31:28 Life's too short to be, while I'm not speaking to my mother now, be going, shut up. Pick the bloody phone up and call. What is wrong with you? How egoistic and sanctimonious do you have to be to not pick the bloody phone up and call your mother because your little ego's hurt or she did it for a reason. Pick the phone up. It's too short, man, because I will swear everything I have that the couple of days after she passes away and you haven't spoke to her for 20 years, it will hit you. 31:57 It's really hard. We can't take back time. Certainly not. I learned something similar, you know, having taken so long to grieve the loss of my mother during the period after my mom died, my dad's mom became like a mother figure for me and we got really close. And when she was diagnosed with cancer, I knew that this was my opportunity to do death right and to take care of it and. 32:25 A lot of that was guided by the things I couldn't do or wasn't able to because my mom's death was sudden. And I had something very similar. I mean, we had the best relationship, but when I thought, okay, we're getting close, I forced a conversation with her and she would never have done it because she just would have been really hard for her. And it was, but we told each other everything that we had ever wanted to say to each other, good, bad, indifferent, funny, whatever it was. And when I left her apartment that night, I was like, 32:55 She's gonna die tonight. And if she does, I have no regrets. There's nothing left unsaid. And it was probably the best, I mean, sad, but like the best feeling or humanity in me at that time, because I was like, that was really hard, but wow, that was like so impactful. And I'll remember that for the rest of my life. So it's very similar to, it feels very similar to what you said about like, we gotta just tell people. 33:24 and talk to people. And I think we're afraid. think we, so many of us grew up afraid to ruffle any feathers or tell someone something that might feel negative or the way we were feeling or make them feel bad. So how do people, mean, how do we, we just do it, right? Well, we, we dislike abandonment because of our childhood trauma. It doesn't make a difference. You live in a $50 million house. That's where I went once. The son, no, everything's good. You know, we have a guy, 33:54 Mustang on my 17th birthday. How's your dad doing? Oh, I don't know. I only see him like once a week between two or three o'clock and on Sunday. Okay. Well, most people don't get validated or approved about what they're doing. Everyone's too busy now today. And you have to remember that when you go back and apologize and make amends, it's not so much for them, it's for you. If you don't find peace with all of this, most of the people that I went back and apologize, I said it to them, 34:22 Most will say, Robert, I didn't feel a thing. It's not for them, it's for me. Only five, six years ago, I spoke in California, there were a thousand people there. We know that because they clicked him in as a fire marshal, clicked him in. 999 people after shook my hand and said it was amazing. One person said you were terrible, didn't like you, you were too loud, and you looked very cocky. Have a guess who I concentrated on for the next three months and nearly relapsed. That one guy. 34:52 So I had to go back and do the trauma around that because we hate to be abandoned. You see this in all walks of life. often, the prettiest girl never gets hit in a bar or nightclub. Why? Most guys don't think it's going to happen. She's out there in league. She's the most loneliest person because nobody wants to be, you know, pushed back and neglected and abandoned and pushed away. you know, I'm not dealing with you. What's wrong with you? You're not. All that stuff then fear like crazy. 35:22 When you go and do all the stuff we talk about, then you find out who you are. And that is the key. I know my identity. I've known it for 10 years only. Not before that. I know who I am. I know that I love myself. I'm kind to people. I work hard. I protect and work for my family. All that great stuff. I'm powerful guy. There's no doubt about that. I'm powerful guy in what I do. But I don't let that affect me. I'm still that guy. I'm still Derek. 35:51 I'm still young on the streets. I will always be your Derek with my feet planted firmly on the ground in the trenches and my head reaching for the stars and all that stuff. But we have to know who we are. I came off in Paramount Studios, I was always filming for, I think it was the doctors at the time. Now they fly you in, they chauffeur you, you know, stuff. And I came off stage, I went around the back and I said to my wife, where's my chauffeur? Now my wife's a quiet southern girl. 36:21 Never raised a voice. She slapped me across the face. We only been married for about a year. And I said, what the hell was that? And she said, if I ever hear you speak like that again, this marriage is over. Do you understand? I was like, yeah, it's not your chauffeur. It's not your car. It's not your plane. They've paid for us to come over and do a service and you're treating like a piece of crack and never want to hear that again. And I surround myself with them people, you know. 36:51 Because it's really hard for me. Somebody, what's the hardest part of your job? Throughout the years, it's getting on a private $50 million plane and flying to a chauffeur into a five-star hotel. That stuff, I have to be careful of. I've never watched a podcast. I've never read my book. I've never watched me on TV because I might start to believe that crap. I might start to believe that hype. And I have no... 37:20 I don't need to be going there. What I need to be doing every day is God's work, helping people, making people laugh and smile. And my life is going to be good, man, because I like a quiet life. There's nothing in here rotating around that basil ganglia. What if you did that? What if did that? What if this? What if that? It's like... 37:40 That feeling alone, you can have for the rest of your life once you start this stuff out. And it's the only way to live, guys, it really is. Yeah. This version of you, do you, when you look back at the years that you were drinking from like nine on, are there pieces that you can look back and see that this version of you was in there somewhere? Do you see any of that? Yeah, I do, you know? 38:09 It's like when I was homeless and I don't know, someone will give me, someone bought me pizza. People always buy stuff, all ladies and stuff. I would always go to find another homeless person to share it with. It's little things like that that you do that reminds you that you may be insane right now, 90 % with a 10 % person out there trying to fight for his life back. Because that's what it is with alcoholism addiction. You're fighting for your life. This ain't no game, guys. 38:35 I tell people all the time, we're fighting for your life. They do not take this lightly. Take it seriously. You could die any second now with the stuff you've taken or going through depression. This is serious. So I could see, you know, parts and then was homeless one day and the guy had a guitar and somehow he was given to me and I played a song and there was a big crowd watching me as a player. can't remember what the song was, Beatles or something. And that sort of glimpsed at me right there. So often then and now. 39:05 I look back and go, do you know something? It was kind of all planned out. It was always meant to happen. Because people come to me today and they go, hey, Dr. Rob, do you know? You've never been homeless, check. You've never lost your kids, check. You've never, check, check, check, check, check. It's like I've been put all through this to become, this is what we're going through. Because my 20 years at college and stuff, it doesn't mean nothing when you're stood in front of an alcoholic who's had his heart ripped out, his battered, his bruised, everyone's left him. 39:35 What the hell can university and college do? Nothing. And that's where my time going through my disease, my healing, my homelessness, it's like a semester at Harvard, man. When you sit down and watch somebody's, I did this morning, I don't usually work Saturdays, a girl came in with her mom, she's broken, she's 19 years old, she's bashed, she's bruised, you know? And I was in her face telling her, what's gonna happen to her? It's gonna be amazing, it's gonna be, and to watch them eyes light up. 40:04 And she smiled at me and she got up and hugged me and her mother says, I've not seen her smile for the last 12 months. Shit man, that shit really sort of, you come out and go, wow, I saved a life today, man. You can keep all the money in the world. I have crazy stuff. I'll be the first to admit it, okay? But I have nothing I can't walk away with in three minutes, nothing. 40:33 You can take me and my wife to English, throw dogs, my cat into a tent in the middle of a field somewhere. I'm as happy as that as I am today. It doesn't mean anything. It used to not. If I buy that Bentley, if I buy that 911, if I buy this million dollar, if I get everyone I think, no, because you know why? Nobody really gives a shit. Everyone's busy with their own problems. No one's looking at the color of the car you've got or the watch. No one's too busy in this horrible world that we are now at 90 something percent of people. 41:02 are struggling and it's hurting, man. And it's hard, days are hard, man. If you haven't got enough food or wages to cover food for your kids, can you imagine being in that position? And that's when we started Rob Kelly Nonprofit is we want to do that. We want to do it, man. We want to help people. We just can't sit there. And veterans, Matt, don't even get me going on them. It's like I was disgusted when I came over. 41:32 And again, I'm American. America went, England went to war. I'm American today, but there's troops and we're not going to get into this too much, 25 % of our work is pro bono. I want a multimillion dollar company. you can imagine how much that is. No vet who comes to me with PTSD will ever pay a dime. Okay, how long we have to stay here? So that is showing me that A, I made it and B, you know, I'm a good guy. I'm a pretty good guy today. 42:00 as opposed to what I used to be. And I just love that, I mean, it's beautiful. it's like, even in the example of the conversation you had today, it's like, she probably smiled in some ways because she felt like hope. Like there was a chance. I think of in a smaller way, maybe the same weight, storytelling, like people telling their stories, you hearing someone else's story, there's something about 42:29 a lot of stories that give another person permission to think that way, to say something out loud, to move forward in a way that maybe is not what everyone else has been telling you. And that's something about that permission to just be you, like just do you and not what you think so-and-so wants you to do or whatever society is telling you need to do, but have the permission. So it sounds like you're giving people 42:58 not only the tools to survive and to create a new version of their lives, but you're also giving them hope, which is beautiful in itself. We hold every Friday morning, nine o'clock, we hold like a good field meeting, AACA, whatever you were suffering from, come down. you uh know, guys will walk in and sit down and say, do you want to talk? Yeah, my story is not as good as him. I've really got nothing to say. And I go, why do you? And then we get him to say something and you can bet, like two or three people like, 43:27 Oh my God, because he's hit with them. We never know who we affect. You will never know. You know, there's probably millions of people that you've affected back at home and you have no idea you've done it. It's them acts. If you don't believe me guys, next time you're in a built up area of people, sneakers are the best. When someone is walking towards you with sneakers, I want you to say two words, two words, nice sneakers. He'll go, oh, thank you, man. Turn around. 43:57 watching him walk, he's going to down his sneakers at least two or three times while he's walking. Just changed his world. But guess what? When he goes on to his girlfriend or wife, because he's in a good mood, now she's in a good mood, it's called the mirroring part of the brain, then the mother-in-law calls and you get the gist. You just change four people's lives who then go on that day to change hundreds, maybe thousands more. And all all the things you said was nice sneakers. 44:25 You know, it matters what you say to people. It matters. You know, there's a great story I in conferences is the guy that goes to the Golden Gate Bridge throws himself off and dies. Please pull him out. They get his wallet. They go back to his apartment looking for next of kin. And they found a letter on the kitchen table and it read that I'm going to walk to the Golden Gate Bridge, which was an hour's walk, by the way. I'm going to throw myself off and I'm going to end it all unless on the way there. 44:54 Somebody smiles at me, nods at me, says good morning. If that happens, any kind of anything like that acknowledgement, I'll turn around and I'll go back to the apartment and I'll try again tomorrow. So the question I always ask people is how many people have you walked past today who's heading to the Golden Gate Bridge? We just don't know. Everybody's going through something. So be that annoying guy in the elevator. You know, hey, good morning, guys. Hey, everyone up for a great day today? 45:22 And there's like 14 people in there looking in different directions. I'd get them all together and high-fiving each other and just change the world, You don't need to be crazy smart or powerful to change the world. It's one person at a time. Yeah, and showing that you care. Showing that you have, like you said, we're all going through something. It's funny, because when I did the show, I would talk to people that had really challenging stories. 45:50 And I found myself out loud comparing, oh, like my situation is not as bad as yours. And I had a guest once who really said it kind of the way I needed to hear it and was like, you realize that your worst moment is equal to my worst moment because it's the worst moment we've ever experienced. so therefore, no more of this comparing, no more saying your story is worse than mine because it was hard for me too at the same time. 46:19 I don't say a person that said you've got nothing to say. It's the most powerful and a haunting story because it's your story. You know, what you say out loud will heal. And what you say out loud in a group appeal, you can bet that somebody there, it's happened to me, Matt, in a meeting. I was five, six years sober and I was having a bad day and I knew that he wasn't going well and I was kind of hating everybody and through a halfway through and I just got up and walked out. 46:48 I got to the door, put my hand on the door to open it. And this guy who's been in AA for four days, somebody else had worked with, said, my name's Billy, I'm a recovered alcoholic and fuck me, I'm glad to be here. And I stopped and I turned a young kid, I turned around and I went down and I sat down again. It was like, wow, but that kid saying in a few words, you know, because we don't know what we give, we don't know how powerful we are, we don't, all of this stuff. 47:17 I get frustrated sometimes, you know, but I used to talk very much at this meeting I went to and he felt like nobody was listening and stuff. So during one meeting I was sharing, was on the stage with the mic and I said, you know what guys, I'm I'm done, man. And I walked off stage and I sat at the back of the room and was tears in my eyes and the room was deadly silent, man. And all of a sudden, there's a guy who used to go there real early and make coffee for everybody. 47:46 retired guy, he had a cane and he could hear his click as he's walking towards the stage and he gets on stage and he picks the microphone up and he says, I want to ask you one thing guys. If you have been affected by what Rob's done in this meeting, can you stand up? There was 50 people there, 20 people stood up. And he said, for the old guys who were sat down, have you been affected at all by the guys stood up? 10 more. 48:15 And he kept saying that until the whole room stood up. And he taught me a powerful lesson. It's about me. It's about me. It's about what you can give. It's about who you can help. It's about how you can lead people into a different world because we've been given that power. And he doesn't give it to the politicians or the mayor or the police. He gives it to the broken man. He gives it to the broken. Yeah. And we've become very powerful and united across the world. 48:45 We get calls from prisons, you know, like, I'm doing life, you know, I'm just seeing your video on the TV and I'm doing life inside. I just wanted to speak to somebody. It's like, hell, man, you can speak to me all day long. I've got you. know, that, that is what does it for me. Yeah. And I think even the people that we think, well, I bet you would say the same. A lot of the people that we think have it all together have broken pieces too. Yeah. Yeah. Because we're all human. 49:14 Right? Like, we're all imperfect and that's kind of what's cool and the ability for us to make these connections and be humans together and learn from each other. mean, what else could we ask for? Perfectly imperfect. That's all we strive for, you know? I still cry when I tell the story about my children. So after 30 years, about four years ago, I'm in bed at home and I'm the concierge guy that I work with these 49:43 you know, actors and stuff. So when the phone goes, I got to get up. And if I need to be on a plane, the planes wake from it. got to go. And buzzer went about three o'clock in the morning. I reached over to the phone. I'm like, 49:58 And it was my daughter. she said, Oh, gotta be careful now. She said, Hey dad. She called me dad. I think we should meet. It's been time. I don't believe what mom's been telling me over these years. I want to meet you and I've got something to show you. My wife's crying, I'm crying. So we get onto our people, you know, get the plane ready. So we four hours were on the plane. 50:25 I can't believe this is happening. Oh my God. And so we stayed in a hotel around the corner. We got there at 11 a.m., 11 p.m. So the next day, I'm so nervous, man, crying and shaking. All the bad stuff's coming. What kind of father were you? You wasn't there for our first birth. All this stuff that you've let down. And as we walked around, my wife was helping me and we got to the door and I couldn't knock. I was froze. And before we know it, she opened the door real quick and it was there. It was going to happen right now. 50:54 And she hugged me and we laughed and we cried and it felt like an hour. It was probably a minute, but it felt like an hour. And I was like, God, know, it subconscious. I'm like, God, if you check me now, man, I'm a happy man. But she took me by my hand. 51:12 and 51:14 She led me into a living room and she handed me my three-month-old grand-daughter. 51:22 If you help people out, that's what happens to us. That's how God uncle Jimmy universe, I don't care what it is you believe in, if nothing, if we do our work, get blessed a million times over. And again, that girl now is my lead therapist in my Manchester UK office. That's mind blowing. I speak to my granddaughter every couple of days on Zoom. We visit two or three times a day. It's mind blowing how this can happen. 51:50 But when you've given your life to giving back and helping people, a lot of it when I started, was, they foreclosed on my apartment two years after I got here, I couldn't afford to pay it. Because I wasn't, I wouldn't charge anybody. I was just helping people. The house went and I moved into a halfway house, a homeless shelter, still working with people. But I knew the key to life is to gift and help. I knew that as long as I kept doing this, it would be okay. And it's okay. 52:21 I mean, when you lead with your heart and you do it for the right reasons, and also I would imagine by doing it, it's helping heal you as well. yes. And then other people see it and they see it for an extended period of time. They see you living it and not just doing it, right? It's like truly you. think it creates more of a kind of like an identity that other people see of yours. 52:48 is not of like someone that's just doing something because he wants to whatever, but this is like how you are as a human. think it's beautiful and I think that so many people have had, could have your story until that moment in the warehouse area and then things could have gone quite differently. Or even the times that you died on the street, things could have stopped there and how now you... 53:18 Like you said before, mean, every person you help, you're probably helping X amount people more than that, right? By this ripple effect, by this power of story and helping other people to help other people. Yeah. It's beautiful, Matt. It's beautiful. It's a beautiful story, as hard as it is. Because again, as we were talking about at the very beginning, this idea of how resilient human beings are, even though, and I'm sure you had these moments, 53:48 or many of them, in the moment, it feels like nothing is possible. It's insurmountable, right? So, mean, kudos to you for creating this life for yourself, this second act, if you will, of your life, because you're just helping so many people. So, I hope you'll indulge me with one more question. 54:13 If 2025, Dr. Rob could talk to the Rob who saw his kids being pulled away and your daughter turning back and asking you all those questions and telling you certain things, if you could whisper anything in his ear, what would you say? 54:37 The easy one is to everything's going to be okay, but it kind goes deeper than that. You know, it's kind of for me anyway, it was trusting God knowing everything's going to work out, but these are university years. You know, this is your learning curve here and sticking there, you know, fight like young as a fighter, you know, fighter back at home. But it's like fight for what you need and fight for what you want and a whole workout. And a friend once said to me, 55:05 I was trying to do something that frustrated. I do you know what Rob, I hate to tell you this, everything's going to be okay. You know that, don't you? I'm like, wow. So if you're listening guys, everything's going to be okay. Just help people strive to be perfectly imperfect. That's all you got to do. the rest, it's all around you anyway. It's not a factor of, you know, oh, this comes to me. It's always been there. Instead, you've never seen it. 55:35 You've never seen all these opportunities around you because of the childhood trauma and the alcoholism, your tunnel vision, man. You don't see it. And when all that goes away, you kind of, wow, I got job offer. My aunt says, of you did. Our sister come back, of course she, I told you this when we started. It's like, it's all there waiting for you guys, all waiting for you. 55:57 You just got to get yourself together, get some kind of power in your life, get a good friend who will slap you if you're doing something wrong and love the world no matter what they say back to you. But with your heart, I think it's a practice that so many people got out of and need to lean in and be kind to your neighbors and the people around you because kindness will solve a lot, I think. If people want to... 56:23 learn more about what you're offering to the world. They want to connect with you. They want to find you in a good way. What's the best way to find out what you're doing and how to get more from you? If you're listening or not watching, spell my name, YouTube B, so it's R-O-B-B-K-E-L-O-Y.com is the website. Jump on there. All the social media's on there. Or just put Dr. Rob Kelly in any search engine. I'll pop up there. Come join us. Come friend us. 56:52 You know, we have lots of offers on there. What we'll do on Facebook sometimes is I'll jump on and go, hey, who needs $250 today? Will $250 change your life or $100? And we get people coming in and we randomly send people money. We'll send gifts. We always do the Christmas stuff. We buy bunches of presents. We ask people to write in with the three top gifts or presents or toys that your kid would love. And we're going to choose one. We choose all three, but we don't tell them that. 57:21 And then we'll bring you in the office and, you know, we'll make it really nice. So don't struggle guys. It's just me. Don't, don't Google me before you, because people freak out with that. It's like, I am, and you, man, and you are me. There's no ego in there. Let's talk. In fact, let me tell you what I do guys. If you're struggling, if you're going through the stuff that Matt and I have discussed today, if you are that point in your life when you think it's not worth going on anymore, two one four. 57:50 600-0210 is my personal cell phone number. I want you to text me. Don't just call guys or text for, you know, say, thank you. My phone's crazy. If you're one of those guys, text me, say, hey, I you're on Max Rishaw. I'm not doing good. I'll text you back instantly to arrange a phone call. I'm going to give you a 15 minute reality, pet talk that's going to change your life forever. If I don't. 58:20 I'll send you $50 in the mail for wasting your time. So don't sit there alone. There is always somebody out there. People like Matt and I are out there, Matt. Because you know, sometimes I'd rather spend 15 minutes on the phone with you than hear of you suicide next week. Mm-hmm. Well, thank you for being you and for what you're putting into the world and... 58:43 whether you want to or not, being a model for other people to do the same. I think it's a beautiful thing and we need more people like you and hopefully more people that interact with you will become like you and then we'll be fine, we'll be covered up. So thank you for coming on the LifeShift journey with me and going wherever this conversation went. I really appreciate you and I say this with all my heart, every episode that I have and these people that I get to talk to, including yourself. 59:11 heals a little part of me that I didn't know still needed healing. So thank you for that. Thank you so much, All right, I'm going to say goodbye since we've gone a little over time for you. Sorry about that, Rob. thank you all for listening. I appreciate you all. And I will be back next week with a brand new episode. Thanks again, Dr. Rob. 59:41 For more information, please visit www.thelifeshiftpodcast.com