She Finally Stopped Running From Her Own Story

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Sometimes the people who look the happiest are the ones carrying the heaviest stories. Katie Grimes spent years performing confidence when quietly unraveling inside, growing up with abandonment and addiction in her family and repeating those patterns in relationships that mirrored her pain. But somewhere in the chaos, she found recovery, faith, and a deeper truth about what it means to actually feel alive. This is a story about learning to slow down, face the truth, and find peace in the parts of yourself.

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that once felt unlovable. Around that time that I gone through the breakup that was the big moment, ah I was told by a peer at work that I had terrible self-awareness. And he was right. I didn't. I didn't understand how my actions impacted other people. I'm Maciel Houli, and this is The Life Shift, candid conversations about the pivotal moments that have changed lives forever.

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Hello everyone. Welcome to the Life Shift podcast. am here with Katie. Hello, Katie. Hi. Thank you for wanting to be a part of this. Oh my knowing where we're going to go. No, I think it's just so amazing what you're doing and for you to tell me the story about how this podcast has not only changed the life of yourself and has given you so much purpose given what has happened to you at eight years old. What an incredible opportunity to share my story and hopefully help someone else who's going through.

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rough time and just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have so much experience with this. Yeah, well, I think that a lot of people have had lots of these pivotal moments. And I think that there is a group of us that have, I guess, it's a good thing that we've had the ability to have the self awareness, the ability to reflect, learn from grow from, but I also think there's a subset of people that have had knock after knock after knock.

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and they don't know what to do with it, or they don't feel like they know how to process it or, you know, they just aren't around people that have the tools to share with them. So I think of those people when I have these conversations and hope whatever we're saying, hits them in the way that they need it at that time to kind of help push them out of whatever thing they're stuck in. I love it. Someone said to me today, so he was telling me,

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something that was been bothering him and was really pivotal in his life. And he said to me, like, so I'm not alone. Like you've experienced this too. And I was like, oh my God, I did an entire podcast on this. Yes. Like not just an episode. I'm talking like a hundred episodes. And there's just this feeling of not being alone. I guess that's the way to best way to describe it. Cause it can feel so lonesome when we're just in the thick of it and trying to figure out like.

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why I know God doesn't give you more than you can handle. But like, it's a lot to handle. Sometimes I joke like, you know, I know it's all Jesus take the wheel, but it seems like he's off roading right now. Like, I'm good. Yeah, it's so true. And I think that a lot of us have been in these situations in which we feel really alone in the circumstance. Like I think of Matt eight years old, just learned that his mom had died and I felt so alone. And I think logically,

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I knew that I was not the only boy with a dead mom. Like I think I knew that logically, but it sure felt like I was the only one because I didn't know anyone in my circle. I didn't see anyone living this life without. And so I just couldn't imagine it. But I think logically, we know we can't be the only one that faces this, but our heart tells us differently. we're like, I just don't know how to handle this. Well, I think back, I think like when you're telling that story, I think

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think of myself, if I were in that position, I think my brain would be absorbed with fear of what would happen next versus logically making sense that I am the only one that, you know, I'm not the only one that's gone through this. Because it's like, like you said, unless somebody's like right there in front of your face, who is also the same age and lost a parent or maybe a few years older, it's mostly like a fear of abandonment and loneliness and just wondering like, what is

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what's life going to be like and how that defines you as an adult. And we don't even know. You know, yeah, we don't even know. And we don't and we we don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow either. I mean, I guess we can evolve every day if we choose to. I this podcast, like you said, is just something I could not have imagined. Because all the things you just described was was my life. Because when my mom died, it was 1989. People were not talking about grief. People were not

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My parents or my dad did not have the tools, my grandparents did not have the tools. And so I just assumed that everyone needed to see that I was going to be okay, which then leads to perfectionism out of fear of abandonment, like you said. And it's like, if I'm not perfect, my dad's also going to leave. Right. And so I did that for 20 plus years until I got it together and figured out how to grieve properly. And, and now I just feel so fortunate that I've had the opportunity to reflect on that and

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see how I can move through things because once I figured it out for myself, I knew how to process grief when my grandmother got sick and I got to do all the right things because I all the wrong things earlier, you know, and then I had that time to reflect. So I think it's beautiful. And I say it all the time. It's like the best, it's the most devastatingly beautiful experience that I had. And I would not trade any of it for

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for a different type of experience besides her still being here, obviously. Right. Yeah. I can relate so much. mean, we're of similar ages. And you're right. Like back then, no one talked about how they were feeling. my dad even says it to this day. it was good. Right. Right. And then they were telling everybody. But it's very much like sweeping things under the rug. And we joked when my great aunt had passed away, we were joking as a family about how this family in particular

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will sweep things under the rug. So one of us pulled a rug up, fake rug, and another one grabbed a broom and we started sweeping. And I said, what if we got to just do it differently? Like, what if we got to say how sad we are or how funny she was? And I think I have been given that gift where I too got to had people pass prior to my grandmother passing. And I got to show up so differently like you and also because I had done the work, because I had faced so much

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grief before that because I had been stuffing my feelings down and trying to pretend like I was fine and put the onus on other people. like yours was perfectionism, so was mine, but it was people pleasing as well. And just wanting everybody to like me because I just felt so unloved at times and we can kind of get into that. yeah, I just very much grew up in that generation where

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You just sweep everything under the rug and you gotta pretend that you're fine and pull yourself up by your bootstraps. That was like one of their phrases. And I was like, how about we like sit down and just hug each other and we cry. And I'm glad that I'm with you. Like if I look back on my life, I wouldn't trade any of it because, but believe me, in the midst of it, I would have traded any of it. ah But now I'm like, oh, that's why I learned that. Oh, all right, okay. Totally, yeah. And now there is a group of us.

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is similar ages where we're all just sharing everything. And it's because we weren't able to before. But I think it's beautiful. I think this is what connects us. Our stories connect us. like you, the gentleman that you were talking to earlier of like, he just didn't realize that other people have faced the same things. And maybe the more people that he can hear talk about it makes him feel safe and seen and heard and validated. So thank you for just coming on this journey. Before we get into your story specifically, though.

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2025 2020 going into 2026. Who is Katie? How do you show up in the world? How do you identify these days? Yeah, I show up as somebody who has a zest for life and who loves to dance and be playful and have fun, but who is very much in touch with her feelings. Very empathetic, very thoughtful, who also is quite sensitive. So you know, and and I don't know that that

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may ever change, but I've definitely have made a lot of progress. And I mean that in the sense of sometimes I still take things personal and I don't mean to. um But I have found somebody who has found her purpose in life through my business of coaching and the podcasts that I have. And uh what a gift that has been. And I think I'm also somebody who is an avid traveler and who is contemplating his motherhood.

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really what I want as a 42 year old woman or is it just been projected on me my entire life that I'm good with kids? So it's just been an interesting conversation and I'm in the midst of falling in love with somebody that I really care deeply about and that's such a beautiful journey. While also having a very small circle of friends for a girl who used to be friends with everybody. I hold that title of friendship.

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very near and dear to my heart, while still remaining friendly and kind. I try not to be nice anymore, know, nice is for me. So other people perceive that I'm good. No, I'm kind, you know, I'm being thoughtful of other people. And um that that kind of summarizes it. mean, that's beautiful. I love that. And I love to your comment about motherhood, because I think that's one of another topic in which people shy away from saying out loud.

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if they're contemplating if it's not, you know, like, good for you. That's your decision. And I think there are so many things that society placed on us. I live the checklist life, like straight off the whatever book that was not given to me, you know, like, get good grades, go to college, get a good job, get promoted by a car by a house, you know, like I was just doing the things like, when does the happiness come from it? it's Yeah, you know, I can relate. I just love that you you

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vocalize that and say that because that is your decision and you to unpack whether or not you want to do that. It's so true. It's so true because there's there was a checklist. I think there you know, quote the American dream and you know, I remember my gynecologist asking me, you know, do you want to do you want to fertilize your eggs and or not fertilize them but save them whatever freeze your eggs as well as fertilize them that then I would have children. uh And I said to her, and this was the first time I felt so calm and so m

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connected to God, I remember saying, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. And I started laughing. go, God, I wish I could say that about other shit in my life. But I would also say that Katie 2025 into 2026 is more faith-based. And I don't mean that from a religious perspective. I mean that more from a spiritual perspective. Like I trust myself and I trust.

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God more and more, I just choose to call it God, but like it's my higher power. You know, it's me inside of there, just trying to understand what is my next step and how to really walk forward from a place of alignment, what, you know, under the construct of having to make money in order to, you know, quote, be happy and just trusting that I'm going to be taken care of because I simply was put on this earth. Like how cool are we?

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and all of us listening, that we got to be chosen to be here right now at this second. Like that's still like boggles my mind. And I think the more that I have gotten in touch with the spiritual side of myself, the more that I'm like, it is a privilege to be alive. It is a privilege. And so what am I going to do with it? No pressure, no pressure. None, zero. No, I think it's great. And I think it's, you know, people

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or the cynic in me is like, you also have bad days, right? I mean, my God, all the time I was crying, literally two days ago had a massive bout of depression, was crying, was, if I'm honest, I was having suicidal ideations in the middle of playing pickleball. Like, to the point where I stopped the game and I was like, baby, I need to tell you what's going on because you're about to, very competitive with each other. And like, I was like, he's probably going to trash talk in just a second. And I was like, I need you to know that in the midst of this game.

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the suicidal ideations are coming. And it's not that I want to commit suicide. It's that the voice is so loud that it's distracting me. And I'm like, can't play despite the fact that I'm that I'm winning, you know, and I'm like joking with them, but I'm literally crying. But yeah, no, it's I don't think it's cynical of you. I think it's realistic of you to ask that question, because I'm brutally honest on the podcast, in my personal life, with my clients on Instagram that like this is not all sunshine and rainbows like.

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I literally had to call my coach on Monday and was like, I'm having their it's back again and I'm really depressed and I have no idea why because I'm really happy. And she's like, okay, go back to the tools that you know that work. And what is that voice trying to tell you? And it was a matter of like, Katie, you've been going 90 miles an hour. Why don't you sit down with us and let us talk? We have something we need to say. So yeah, no, I have. Thank you for asking about the bad days because they come.

13:48

Yeah, I think it's important. think there's this like, this false sense of like this happiness, epidemic in which everyone just like projects that it's all sunshine and rainbows. And like, we're just humans trying to do this. So life is gonna hit us in certain ways, or we're gonna wake up one day and not even understand why we feel the way we do. And then we just move through it with the tools that we have. So thank you for that. I just think it's important that we are as honest as possible. And I think I love despite how hard that was for you, not to say it, but to live through it.

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the other day. Yeah. Thank you for saying it. Yeah. Thank you. I really appreciate that. And it feels really safe to be able to say that because I think people get it twisted when you because they don't want to say that they're having these thoughts that they don't want to be here and that the pressure feels like too high and they aren't where they want to be versus where they are. And that's what I was struggling with. Like where I am today versus where I want to be our night and day. And I know we'll get into this story in a little bit, but like

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That's what was happening. And so I just needed to get grounded in like, okay, so what can you be grateful and accept that's happening right now? And it's I'll be honest, I struggle with not being honest on especially Instagram to be like, hi, you run a business, nothing's wrong with you if you make no money today. Because I've joked to my boyfriend, I'm like, well, I don't want to bring people in who like don't make any money in their business. But in the same breath, I also want to normalize the ups and downs of owning a business.

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and the effect that it can have on your self esteem. Yeah, totally 100%. No, I love that. So let's let's figure out why you're you can do this now appropriately. So fun story, I don't know which life shift moment we're going to center today's conversation around. whatever kind of comes to your heart, and you really want to share with others of this before and after moment. So I'd love for you to kind of paint the picture of your life leading up to this main pivotal moment that we're going to talk about today and

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go back however far you need to to kind of give us that before Katie. Yeah. So to give you context, the pivotal moment happened, I think in 2009 to that, let's call it 2010. So at that point, I am 27 years old. I'm screwing the math up really quickly here. But for the first 27 years of life, let's call it, my parents got divorced at a young age. And so as a result of that, I learned

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that I had a lot of abandonment. And so I was very attached to my mom who eventually we became very codependent and I became the parent. But I say all this because on the side, like I was, I remember my best friend, we've known each other literally day one. um And she was like, I just remember the Katie who was like laughing and joking and playing and like, she's like, you were so silly. Like you were just cracking me up all the time.

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I was very talkative in school. would always get asked for satisfactory because I was not paying attention. was at in my teenage years, I was at the mall more than I was wanting to be at school. I never realized that like communication and my ability to communicate with somebody and my thoughtfulness could become a career. I will say that- back then anyway. It wasn't. Oh my God, no. And nobody was talking about it. I felt, I mean, let's focus on the stuff that just didn't really work. I think the stuff that didn't really work.

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was I was constantly seeking other people's approval. I was being bullied relentlessly at home with some family members who were taking care of me while my mom was working. I was being bullied as soon as I got on the school bus and I was being bullied relentlessly until the bell rang. Oh, excuse me, as soon as the bus dropped me off. So it was constant about the way I looked, what I said, how I acted, what I wore, you name it. And so from, you know, six years old until...

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really, I mean, it didn't stop until like seventh, eighth grade. I was somebody who was deeply insecure about the way she looked. And I was hiding the fact that I have really light skin and dark hair. And so I would bleach my hair. And I was going to the ends of the earth to try to be liked by everyone and anyone by being really outgoing and being silly. And, um, but yeah.

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Like always like class clown, like I'm shocked I didn't get class clown. But I also was a ballet dancer and danced about four or five days a week and absolutely loved dancing. Like dancing was my outlet. Like dancing was where I quote like blacked out. Like I was in the most beautiful way. Like I was so grounded and so present and it was a way to just move my body and get out of my head. And it was really good.

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And like, loved it. And I think I had some really amazing teachers who took really good care of me and did not have the experience that a lot of ballerinas have around body dysmorphia. I did not have that. um But, you know, I think leading up to that incident, I, going back, I was a people pleaser. I was constantly either gossiping, criticizing of myself or other people.

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And I was really self-centered and selfish at times. I was a young girl, so I was constantly talking about myself or talking about other people to be liked. And I had a lot of friends, but I mostly was friends with men. The reason being was because I didn't trust women. I didn't know that I didn't. I desperately wanted to be their friends, but I found them to be really catty, which was interesting, because I was a gossip queen at that time. But the guys weren't.

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The guys were great, like they didn't wanna sleep with me, they just wanted to laugh and have fun and I'd go to the parties and all that good stuff. But I think eventually I realized that's not what they wanted me around for, they did want those types of things and I started to really dive into sexual experiences without having any context for what I was doing or why. um

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and feeling very ashamed that I was doing it because I grew up Catholic and it was very much a carnal sin to do that shit. Was it the feeling wanting to feel wanted? Oh, hell yeah. Like wanting to feel wanted, wanting to feel loved, attention, validation that I was pretty, validation that I was liked. That was a major theme my whole life and still can be at times. It's not in the same way anymore. And it's certainly not to the extent that it was, but

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There are times it's so creeps in if I'm honest. Yeah. Were you also, did you do well in school? Yeah, I was like AB, sometimes a C student. So you weren't like an overachiever or any in that capacity to be perfect in that way? No, no, I would, if I loved, so I had a undiagnosed ADHD. And so if I really liked a topic, I was dialed in and so focused.

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I've always been the first to raise my hand in class. So that is like, I guess you could consider that an overachiever in some respects. Like I'd always sit in the front. I'd always raise my hand. If I was called on, if I didn't know the answer, I'd just own it or I'd try to bluff. Again, it was just sort of like, my friends always used to say like, you can talk a dog off a meat truck, like in the sense of your level of communication and confidence and just like, oh yeah, this is what we do. And then as I got into, um

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Like I started bartending as I got older and was getting off to college. And at that time, my mom, I, know, I'm not talking about my dad, but my dad and I had a okay relationship, but I was very angry at him and I didn't realize it was because of the divorce. But my mom, I realized had alcoholism and I learned that at 21 when I, well really 20 when I started drinking. And.

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That's where the like, I'm the parent, she's the kid. Like I was telling her what to do. I remember paying her bills at very young age, like eight years old. Like, cause it was, you know, like learning how to balance a checkbook. And my mom was very high functioning and very smart and oh my God, so beautiful and just funny. Oh my God. And I saw that melt away at time after time after time. And I think,

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going off to college, I wanted to stay close enough in case something happened, but far enough away that I could feel that separation. So there was a lot of grief between my dad and I because he was helping with college and um was like, why not go to a state school? And I couldn't tell him, I hid it from my entire family. like, couldn't tell anybody what was happening at home because it was starting, it was verbally abusive, but then it was starting to become physical. With your mom. Yeah, which is eventually,

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one of the pivotal moments, but that was a, uh not the pivotal moment that I'll talk about, but that was a pivotal moment where I decided that I really was gonna go study abroad in Australia. I had been asked a few weeks before and I was like, fuck it, I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but I'm gonna make it happen. Bartended, worked, hustle grinded, like made it happen. My mom actually gave me money too. um And...

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Yeah, and then I came home, lived there again. And it was just, it was almost like such a dysfunctional relationship. It was almost like we broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together. Because I kept moving back in to try to take care of her and just help with the mortgage and things like that. Like a constant worry for her or because you recognize that she was showing? Okay. Money was always a worry. You you were the savior or you could be the savior in your head maybe? Yeah, for sure. I mean, I think not only was she asking me but

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She also, you know, she was also instilling in me that at a young age, I should be able to be a jack of all trades and be able to fall back on any, not be good at one thing, but be good at many different things so that if ever, you know, I lost my job, I could go bartend or, you know, so I, she knew, you know, knew I had money. And so I was learning how to use a credit card. And, but the problem was, is I was learning to overspend because I was taking, I was paying her bills.

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And you know, that's 18, 19, 20 years old. Right. And you're in what you would say is maybe, I don't want to put words in your mouth, a dysfunctional type relationship with her because as much as you love her and want to protect her and take care of her, she's also abusive in ways that any other relationship that you have, you might not accept. Well said. Is that really complicated?

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Now that I'm out of it and I can see go back and look at it, I'm like, holy shit, that was so dysfunctional. And it's no wonder why I became attracted to friends, jobs, and men who would say one thing and do another, right? Like, hey, I'll be home at five and then not show up. It's what I knew. so it was kind of like comfort in a weird way. you knew it. 1,000%. You knew what to expect. And then I could.

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Be in control because I was like, well, I'll just call seven times and then they'll finally answer or whatever it was. It was very Very disheartening and dysfunctional and it's not a relationship that I had like that with other people but it showed up in other ways with other people like Gossiping about somebody else and we were always taught as a family like you sweep your feelings under the rug You know God suffered for our sins. So therefore we should feel pain as well. And I was like, okay, whatever and then and

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What I say, not feeling your feelings and then forget what the third one was that I was just talking about, but it was just constantly. Oh, that's what it was. If you talk about other people and talk about the thing they told you not to talk about, like don't just between you and I, it meant you cared about them. That's what we were taught as a family, which is so to share their secrets. Yes. Isn't that I know I see your face. Isn't that weird? That's not what you do. That's actually not.

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That's not fact. That's not what you do. So I really pride myself on that now as being somebody who is the secret keeper. Like I always say to people, just so you're aware, the only way I can build trust with you and vice versa is if both of us keep what we say between us. But I also say, please know that I wasn't always like this. And it's important because I think people are skeptical because they've had people lie and share their secrets.

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You know? Yeah. Yeah. So you're I mean, you're navigating the time when you should be finding yourself, when you should be finding your identity and what you want to do and what you want to put out into the world. And here you are just trapped, essentially, like you're probably living but also trapped emotionally by this relationship that you have 1000 % because I it was it was typical of any child who grows up with addiction or dysfunction.

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you grow up a hell of a lot quicker than a child who is in a loving and comfort home. Don't get, don't mistake me when I say loving. Like my mom loved me. was just, she had an addiction and I didn't know to call it an addiction. I just knew that she couldn't stop drinking. And we never talked about the fact that alcoholism ran in our family. That was not, there was a lot of secrets that were kept um amongst my family, like how my grandfather died from suicide.

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And that was not something that was told. We were told he died from cancer. was just that, that error. They would just lie. We talked about this earlier. Lie, sweep things in the rug, make up a different story, which also made you feel like you can't trust what the other person is saying. And I also learned by being bullied that when, that I couldn't trust my intuition. Like if I was told to go right by the bullies and I'd go right, they'd be like, I never told you to go right, go left.

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So being gaslit a lot made me constantly question what I said, read text, I mean, texts weren't until lit much later, but like replay conversations in my head, overthink should I have said or done that differently. Yeah. Yeah, was pretty. You guess yourself and everything I do. really did. And looking back on it, it's no wonder why I had that fake confidence. Yeah. Yeah, you have to, otherwise how do you survive? Exactly. m

28:23

Do think your mom knew or was she in denial of her addiction? Denial? Yeah, very much still is, unfortunately to this day, despite us having evidence of the contrary. So it is true what they say. uh, uh alcoholism or any type of addiction is progressive. It will get worse if you do not stop. And it's just been so interesting to observe my own addictions that have come as a result of

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growing up in that household, like for example, overspending and having debt, like as much as that's so uncomfortable and logically it makes no sense to do that, it's what had been familiar in our household is that chaos around money or food, things like that. So that just builds and builds that builds for your math 27 years. What happens in 2010 or 2009? We don't know. We're just making updates here, but

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What happens in that time period? So you gotta imagine I'm 27. I've finished college. I'm out of my first job out of college. I'm living in Boston, spending well above my means, living in like a exactly. Living in like an apartment that costs, you know, 50 % of my income. And I was out probably Thursday to Sunday every night of the week, you know, and if it wasn't, you know,

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I wasn't a big drinker. That was never really my thing. never really, I never really did drugs, but you got to understand I was in these relationships. Some were, I now look back and I'm like, they weren't really that healthy, but I'd have these like one year stints of relationships. And as the year would progress, if I would just get, I'd leave them before they left me. So that was how my abandonment showed up. My abandonment also showed up because some of those people were

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we're cheating as well. And so you've got to, you know, it's Boston, we're young, we're going out all the time, we got six inch heels going out and we're flirting with guys to get drinks and we're then rolling out of bed to go to work the next day. It's just your typical 20 something movie. And I go away for a weekend with my girlfriends up to um York, Maine and

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I was really hoping to see this one guy who I just had such a crush on and I didn't. And I'm so bummed, but we went to a party and I ended up meeting this guy. And this is sort of the pivotal moment is where fast forward, get into, we fall in love. We're two and a half years into a relationship. At that point, he had already cheated. I had learned about his overspending and his evading taxes and

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evading child support and all of these things that he was doing. And I found myself in an abusive relationship where not only it was the one night that it ever happened, but we both hit each other. I had, it was my first panic attack. I've had three total, but that was my first. Didn't know what to call it, but I knew that it was something similar. Cause my mom had had one. I'd seen her do it before. And the story goes that it,

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you know, we were getting a nor'easter. I was living at the house, he was at the bar. I had asked him to come home to help shovel because it was starting to really pile up and I knew that they weren't gonna close work the next day. And he said he'd be home in five minutes, in five minutes, in five minutes. And then he didn't and he kept just, I'd call the bar, I'd call a cell. Yeah, yeah, I'll be home in five minutes. I'm like, that was three hours ago. And now all of a sudden, my little Katie.

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starts going back to those days where I would do the same thing to my mom at all those ages, you seven, eight, et cetera, and so afraid of being alone at the house and like terrified of something bad happening or being stuck or abandoned or lonely. And he came in and I remember just bringing my fist up to his face and I opened my hand last minute and I just yelled, how dare you disrespect me? And he chased me.

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He tried to hit try to throw me out the front door in the middle of a huge snowstorm and somehow this little 5'3 140 pounds soaking wet And he's six four six five two fifth two twenty Could not lift me up. I don't know by the grace of God, but I the panic attack ensued and my life changed from that very moment ah

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couple of things I can go into detail if you want. happy to pause. Yeah, no, I mean, I think there's so many people that have unfortunately found themselves in that circumstance. And at the same time, you've seen all the signs all along the way, but you dismiss them and then forgive me if this if I'm assuming this so you might have felt but I've been in a situation where you're like, how did I get here? Oh my god, that's exactly what I did.

33:37

I remember you like saw it all too, right? Like, so you're like, I've seen it all. But then how did I get here? So true. I remember driving down to Boston, but the car was packed. I left in the middle of the night and I called I called down to my dad and I was like, this is like a fucking Lifetime special movie. Like what guy meets girl, they fall in love. He cheats. He lives this double secret life.

34:03

And I'm like, and now we're like hitting, like, I don't even think I told my dad we had hit each other or tried to, but I did say, like threw me out of the house. And I was like, I just don't know how we got here. And I will say I ended up going back and then I ended up leaving shortly after. And there was so much shame. But then I realized now, oh, that is domestic abuse. Like that is the like.

34:28

Sadly, he was suffering from addictions, but he was also, and I don't say this term lightly, he was diagnosed with narcissism. And it makes so much sense now that I know that title and that diagnosis, but at the time, the gaslighting, the love bombing that occurred very early on, um that it changed everything for me. And what it changed specifically was I got into Al-Anon, and it's a 12-step recovery group for people who are affected by addiction.

34:56

And I was given that recommendation. This is a wild story. My dad had a best friend. Her name's Di, I can share that. Di was a best friend of my dad's ever since I was a little girl. And she was so close with all my family members. And my dad on that drive down said, I think you should call Di. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I'm not gonna call her. Well, you bet your ass. I called her when I left the second time. And she said, you ready to do things differently?

35:24

I said, yeah, I'll do anything you tell me to do. And she goes, get your butt to Alan on. And so we started reading the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, which I had no idea was even a thing. And every time it said alcohol, we replaced the word with relationship. And I realized I was addicted to toxic and unhealthy relationships, not just in my love life, at work, with my friendships, with my family members, like, and.

35:52

I never knew at that time, and I say this always to people, always like, I'll probably never thank him in person, but I've thanked him so many times across different podcasts and coaching is because he was a soulmate in the respect, not the like, oh my God, I'm so in love, it's my soulmate. He was a soulmate because he was the direct mirror of what I needed to see in order to heal what was not loved.

36:20

what an incredible gift I was given despite how much pain I went through because the highs were high, the lows were lows. When they were great, it was awesome. When it wasn't, it was terrible. And I always kept thinking, like, I'm built for this. think relationships are tough. It's fine. Like, if anybody's listening and you've been through that, relationships are not tough. It doesn't have to be hard. You don't have to stay in order to be loved when

36:50

you feel like shit and I never knew that. And I realized now that that was a direct correlation to how I grew up with my mom and my dad was not like that at all. I said, I wish I spent more time with him when I was younger, but yeah, changed the course of everything. had no idea that I would start a career or, uh and by the way, I started companies before this one talking about some of this stuff. I had no idea. uh

37:17

that this would be what it was and to be like, oh, this shitty thing that happened to me has completely changed the entire direction of my life. Yeah, sometimes these hard moments create the purpose if we can find, if we can get past that point in which we can start changing. I hear it a lot. A lot of people, their purpose is now defined by the things that they've gone through. And had you moved with your dad,

37:45

and you live with your dad and you found this different you you experience a love that was maybe more appropriate for you as a child and you know, would you be having this conversation now like there's so many little right because you were a product of of what you knew all the familiar things and then you start to if you don't have those in your life then you're like I need those in my life to feel normal.

38:13

Like I need someone calling me names because otherwise I don't know how to function right now. And it's really hard to say those things out loud when, you know, now that we're past it, it's easier to say these things out loud because we realize the patterns that we were doing, but it just, and you know, it makes so much sense just logically of why you would have done those things, why you would have moved to those things. I just, I'm sorry that you had to go through it, but also like it feels like

38:41

this Katie is this way because of all the shit that you went through. It's so true. And I remember it also taught me living in that environment that I it was I was it was very hard to sit still. Very hard to sit still like if I was sick for a few days, I could never be with myself. I always had to be going 90 miles an hour, busy, busy, busy, busy.

39:08

That is one of the greatest gifts that going through Al-Anon, having a sponsor, working the steps has given me. Because I think everybody thinks of 12 step and they think of AA. That's so much more than that. They have so many different programs for eating, under eating, ah codependency as I described, sex, love, porn addictions, like gambling, you name it. There's a program out there that's free, which is incredible. But I think we talked about this at the beginning, like,

39:37

During those pivotal moments, like the being bullied and not seeing a way out, then my mom hitting me and that being the reason why I left the house and ended up going and studying abroad. And then the fight that ended up, I ended up being like my mom in that instance of hitting. I never realized that in the midst of it, in so much pain, that there was a way out.

40:03

I didn't have people in my life, like my mom, we did go to therapy as I was younger. So I knew that that was an option as I got older, but I couldn't ever find the right therapist who deeply understood what it's like to A, grow up in an environment like this or B, experience it in real time now. Everybody else had been through a case study or whatever this bull shit, reading a book. And I was like, I need somebody who knows what it's like.

40:32

to do the, I feel bad, what are they gonna think of me? I don't wanna leave, I don't wanna hurt them, but if I give them money, they're gonna ask for more. It's like this dance we do. um And that's not to say, Matt, that I haven't then gotten into toxic relationships afterwards. It's a big part of my story is that the guy that I had a crush on, that I went up to Maine initially for.

40:56

I ended up falling in, we ended up falling in love and we had a beautiful relationship for two and a half years once I got really healthy, ah which was really quite incredible. And it was something that we both said, like we just had always wanted to do. We just weren't ever in the place to be able to do it. And I ended up moving to a town that I'd always loved as a kid and have lived here now for almost six years. And um

41:20

But I will say that in between that relationship ending and then now being in a really healthy, which is the healthiest and happiest I've ever been personally, but also in a romantic relationship, and in all aspects really, friends, family, you name it, it's wild to think how much pain I was in and I couldn't see how good it was gonna be. So like the life that I prayed for then and to get through that pain, I actually am living that life now.

41:48

And so it's hard because there's times where I'm like, okay, I know I should be grateful because I'm living the life now that I wanted a few years ago, but I want more. And this is where that Catholic guilt comes in sometimes, because it's kind of like, well, you shouldn't want for nothing and like you have everything you need. And it's not selfish to want more. And that's like literally what I heard when I was praying recently, like this world is so abundant and I know it's really tough right now.

42:18

you know, the way that the world is, the administration, the way that things are just going down, but we can already start to see, mean, we're recording this November 5th, we're already seeing massive changes in just 24 hours. So it's like, because of being an empath and being so empathetic, the weight of the world literally sometimes still falls on my shoulders, because I was taught to behave that way, but I was also made that way.

42:42

But then I also have to remember like, it's okay to appreciate exactly where you are today and also want more. Because I told you earlier, sometimes I have bouts of depression and anxiety and overwhelm and these are topics I teach my clients. And so, sometimes that can lead to imposter syndrome, but I have to remember like, I always do this, two things. Whenever I'm going through it, I go, okay.

43:13

I know that there's gonna be, like, I'm so uncomfortable right now, because there's about to be something incredible on the other side of this, but fuck, can we just hurry up and get there? And then I also say, okay, then maybe I'm going through this, because I need to talk or teach someone else about this. So that's helped me move through it, while also not forgetting that I'm in it right now, and that I need help, and to call my coach.

43:41

therapist, you're normalizing it, I think that's important for your clients to is like, you know, like, yes, you can teach them how to feel certain ways or do certain things or approach certain things. But also, like, it's okay, if these things come about, because you're a complex human being, like, these are gonna happen. I was curious, though, did you? And I

44:08

weirdly making these assumptions. But did you in these time periods in which you were go, go, go, busy, busy, busy, don't want to be alone, don't want to be alone with my own thoughts. Did you have spots of depression, anxiety, those things? Were they like voices and those things as well? Yeah, they were. So okay, the suicidal ideations didn't start until I uh was in the midst of ending that relationship that I said was like the pivotal moment.

44:36

That's when I really knew I'm like, fuck, I need to get help. Like, I know that this isn't normal. And I also know not normal. Let me pause. It is normal under the circumstances that I am experiencing. But I think my circumstances are not not making me happy. And so and knowing that my grandfather had died of suicide, I'm like, OK, well, clearly there's mental health issues in our family. Same with my Nana. Like my Nana had depression. But bear in mind that, like from, know,

45:06

three years old when my parents got divorced up to 27, the amount of, I was so anxious. Like I was probably more anxious than I was depressed. I just worried about everything and everyone and I always wanted to be in control. Like, and I was always trying to control other people and I didn't know that until people would blow up at me and be like, get off my shit. Like you're just, you're so anxious. Like your anxiety is giving me anxiety and

45:36

That isn't the best way to go about it. If you love someone who has anxiety, that's would be my, that was, I've now said, like, if you want to give me that feedback, say it so lovingly, because that's just a younger part of me just trying to scream for attention. But I will say that then from 27 to even now at 42, it's been more, it's been a mix of both. Like sometimes the depression is heavy.

46:05

because there's like the guilt of or there's shame of like, I'm not where I want to be. And then the anxiety will kick in and be like, let's worry about all this shit we can control. as much as there's been happy moments and times where I've been able to be more calm and more present and less anxious dramatically, there are times it still pops up. Like I have a hard time being a passenger in a car. That is one I've been in nine or so accidents as a passenger and

46:35

It's brutal sometimes being in the passenger seat, but lovingly, my boyfriend's always like, I got you, it's okay, do you need me to back up a little bit? I'm like, yeah, that would be awesome. He now understands that I'm with somebody who can understand that you don't wanna be sarcastic or put me down. If you want to make me feel better and be loving towards me, you'll help me heal this by being loving and kind.

47:02

And part of that question, I was curious, and I don't know if it happens to other people, but because you were so busy and you were running, running, all the time, was curious if that now that you've slowed down a little bit and you listen to yourself and you have the time with yourself, is that when things come up more because it's finally like time for your body to talk to you kind of thing? So it sounds like no, because it kind of like...

47:30

probably ebbed in flow and maybe it was always on high back then. And now, now you have a more centered feel in life, right? And then so it's a little bit more pronounced when it does happen. Great question. So I'm trying to think back in the day, I think because I was going 90 miles an hour, the depression would only really hit when I was by myself. But the anxiety, yeah, but the anxiety was on all the time. And then

47:58

Now I notice when I'm more grounded, like I had a really busy last week and this week and being so busy, it didn't leave room for me to sit with myself. And so when I did last week, it popped up the suicidal ideation and I was like, okay, like, let's let's look at that. And then it just quietly went away. And then when it popped up again on Saturday, I remember saying to my boyfriend, like, I think I need more quiet time this week.

48:27

to be home and like with myself. And so like I did 12 set recovery work and I was writing and journaling. And you're right, like being alone now is so soothing to me versus back then I was just trying to fill it with people, places, things to make me feel better. Yeah, I think it's, I mean, your story to me and your pivot to me feels so very grounded in self-awareness.

48:57

the things that you've quote unquote improved about your life is because now you can recognize, now you can see, now you can sit with, now you're not maybe all the time over analyzing or stressing about. But like, know, like for instance, playing pickleball and you have these, you have the awareness to go, all right, Katie, we're gonna slow down, we're gonna go talk to your love of your life and we're gonna tell them all the things that are going, cause this is what you need.

49:27

the old version of you probably would have done something different because you didn't have the awareness. You would have played, it would have got worse. You would have just pushed it onto the rug. then, you know, so like so much of your story from the parts that we've talked about today feels so much to so much importance to me to highlight that self-awareness element. Because for myself, it was like things didn't feel better for me until I had the ability to wake up

49:56

and realize I was in a bad mood and be like, okay, you're in a bad mood and that's okay. You're not always going to be in a bad mood. You've moved through this before. But like before I would get mad about being in a bad mood and then things just spiral and get so much worse. But the ability to just like sit and reflect and be totally aware of who you are and why you're doing the things that you do feels like it just leads you through life. So I don't want to put that on you, but that's what it feels like from the outside view.

50:26

I appreciate that. It's such a compliment because that wasn't always the case. I remember around that time that I gone through the breakup that was the big moment, aah I was told by a peer at work that I had terrible self-awareness. And he was right. I didn't. I didn't understand how my actions impacted other people. If I was away from my desk, how that phone would ring over to them, that meant they were changed. oh

50:53

I didn't and I didn't for a while, especially those first like two years in 12 step, but I will say that going to 12 step and having a sponsor who is just someone with more experience, strength and hope than I did. She was also a therapist. So it was really powerful to be side by side with her every single week, talking on the phone for an hour, but also being able to like text and voice memo. It's actually why I built my coaching business away is around how I was supported is

51:23

dramatic. Like the self-awareness was huge and to this day those are thank you for that compliment because it's so heartwarming because I have worked very hard at that and I've also worked very hard at body awareness too like paying attention to like what do I need in order to take care of my body you know is it pushing through to a workout or is it actually that my knee hurts and maybe I should just you know chill or go for a walk or whatever like

51:51

It's something that I've worked very hard at and if so that I'm on my 16th year in recovery. So that's like 16 years of trying to be more self aware and conscientious of other people and myself. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's, I think it's beautiful. I think it's important. I don't think it's like a one and done thing either. I think you're always going to have to work on it. It's going to be, you know, I'm always going to be the kid with the dead mom and I still have to process things related to that just because that

52:20

was the journey I was on for so long that it's just deeply embedded in me and that perfectionism piece like I can see it now, but I also can't always get rid of it. Because it's it was it's in my DNA now at this point, you know, like it's it's just everything about me. So I just I love the, the honesty and the awareness that that how you show up now as a human, I didn't know you before, but I can imagine how the people around you

52:49

can get, this is gonna sound bad, infected by the way you show up in the world and that imprints on them and they can take on those traits. Infected is like the worst word, sorry for that. No, I've been like, oh, your laugh is so infectious. And then I'm like, wait, that actually the right way to say it? uh Thank you. mean, that means so much to me and I...

53:13

I do, I was asked this question on a podcast recently about what do I want to leave the world, if I were to die tomorrow, what would I, and it was the impression of that I cared, that I really cared about them. Because I think that this world is so small, you never know who you're gonna run into 10 years later. It's not people pleasing, it's respect at this point. It's like, don't have to like you and you don't have to like me, but we gotta respect each other.

53:41

how can we be kind and caring towards one another? And we're seeing this against, again, not to talk politics, but like in the administration. And it's like, we so deeply, regardless of what side of the coin you are on, at the end of the day, we're all people. And all we wanna do is to be loved and taken care of and be able to take care of ourselves and other people. And like, I hope that positivity spreads positivity. And I remember my mentor saying that to me, like,

54:09

It's okay that you have negative thoughts. It's okay that you feel sad or uncomfortable. But just remember that like in the face of absolute mass destruction and the fear that is being placed upon us in any situation, whether it's a personal one that somebody is going through now or what we're facing uh in the US, it's like, how can I come from a place of faith versus fear? And I don't mean that again, religiously. I mean it like, how can I uh

54:38

say something good is going to come of this. know it's something good is going to come of this. And I hope that that spreads. I hope that is infectious, you know, like, because it's when you're in it, it's fucking thick to go through that fear and that anxiety and not know what the outcome is going to be. So what a lovely compliment. I really appreciate that. And I do hope that it is infectious, the self-awareness and the kindness.

55:05

Well, it's what I see and I call it like I see it. So I think it's I think what you're doing is wonderful. I'm curious if if this version of you in the way that you show up in the world fully no apologies. Well, some apologies probably but not not a lot. If you could go back to the Katie, let's say the Katie that was actually going to take a chance on herself and go abroad. Is there anything that you would want to like whisper in her ear about

55:35

what you know now or something that would help her? Yeah, I feel like I would tell her, like, don't get me wrong, she had a lot of fun. But like, I think I would tell her like, go have fun, take bigger risks, not with your health or your body, but rather like, seeing the world, you know, saving more money. That would be another one is like, you can spend and go see the world, but let's like save as well.

56:01

I think I would just tell her like, you don't have to worry. Everything is gonna work out exactly the way you want. Go leave the nest, like bigger than Australia. Like go leave the nest. And it's okay if you feel bad and uncomfortable, but you don't need to, cause it's all gonna work out. Yeah. The world is bigger than, you know, the house that you lived in with your mom and she probably wouldn't have listened, but.

56:28

It's okay. None of our younger selves would have listened. Oh, God, we had to go through these things. Yeah. They're like, who are you? Don't do that. a fear of authority figure. so like, don't tell me what to do. Oh, I was such, uh you know, I don't want to call myself a brat because that was a bully, bullying term I got. But I felt that I knew it all. And I was so just, just so irresponsibly confident. And I didn't, I didn't know what I thought I knew.

56:57

But you're right, I wouldn't have listened because my dad tried to tell me and I didn't. So, but it's okay. Yeah, exactly. So if people are listening and they hear your story, they resonate with your story, they want to connect with you, they want to maybe tell you their story for the first time or just say how much it means that you shared it. What's the best way to find you find your business? Like tell us a little bit more about that so that people can get in touch because I love when they bug you. So

57:25

And you know what's funny is like, love it. Like people are always like, I don't want to bother. And I'm like, you're not bothering. Like, this is my life purpose. Like is to the shit I've been through is to talk about it, tell someone else, then that person be like, oh my God, you and I are like twins. Oh my gosh. It's like if one thing hit home for you that either for yourself or like you're sending this to a friend because you're like, oh my God, this person needs to hear it. Send me an email. You can literally email me directly support at Katie Grimes dot com.

57:54

K-A-T-I-E-G-R-I-M-E-S. I would love that. If you're on Instagram though, that's where you're gonna get me. Like my team is gonna answer support at katigrimes.com and then they'll forward it to me. But if you wanna actually DM me, kg.katigrimes is the best way to actually communicate. And as much as we have automation set up just so that we don't lose sight of somebody wanting a coaching or course, it very much is me in there at this point. And if you're wanting...

58:24

More knowledge and just more of these moments that are kind of every topic you and I talked about. I broke down into little podcast episodes. My podcast is called Anything for Love. And you can just search that on Spotify or iTunes or Apple, guess. Yeah, I love that. And I'll link to all those things so people can search. can just go to the show notes. Yep. Just click the button and connect. really highly encourage listeners to reach out to my guests because

58:54

One, it's such a power when we can tell someone else how their story affected us, but also then we hear it of how it affected someone else. It's like there's so much ripple effect of oh power that comes from connecting with each other and telling each other how we feel. And honestly, the little girl in me who needed validation and love and just to know that like, you're doing a great job, kid, she's still here.

59:22

I don't say it to like boost my ego. I say it to ease my depression Yeah, right is when somebody says somebody I walked into a room today and somebody was like, oh my god I'm totally fangirling and I turned around I go who who's here and she was like you I was like what the fuck and she goes I follow you on Instagram I heard you on this podcast and like I've been following you your content runs resonates so much with me and I was like

59:48

mouth wide open and I started tearing up and she was like, see, this is why I love you. You're so normal and like so relatable. And I was like, I pour my heart and soul into Instagram because I keep it so honest. I was like, that is so validating. was like, thank you for making my morning. And she was like, no, do. It was just, does. means so much. know you probably feel the same way. It's like you pour your heart and soul in this.

01:00:13

Yeah, it's it's so important that we can share our stories. And I hope that our conversation inspires other people to share their own stories with people, even if it's just a friend, it doesn't have to be on a podcast. can just, you know, just share your story with the people around you. And I think you're going to find a lot more connection than the things that separate you. So in this time in the world, uh it's nice to find that human connection. So thank you for coming on this journey with me and Katie and having this conversation, probably not knowing where we were going to go.

01:00:43

No, and it's okay. I feel like I just trusted that like whatever is supposed to come up and whatever someone was supposed to hear is what they were gonna hear. And I just can't thank you enough for being brave enough to say, I'm gonna start to tell my story and other people's stories so that other people will feel less alone through their hard times. Because as we talked about, like when you go through a hard time and it feels terrible, you're not sure A, that you're the only one that is going through it and B, how...

01:01:12

if it's ever gonna end and it's so painful. So I appreciate you being brave enough to say as much as I miss my mom and I wish she was here, that story of what happened to her, she must be so proud looking at you and just being like, holy shit, he's like now taking the story and telling it and then connecting with other people and like we're all here just so proud.

01:01:37

I'm like tearing up like seriously, I'm really, I really applaud you for doing that. It takes a lot of bravery to tell your story and to let other people tell theirs so we can all feel more connected to each other. I accept that. Thank you. That's very kind of you. It for, I just don't want other people to go through the 20 years of, I mean, you too, you had 27 plus years of that and I had 20 years of just like pushing it down.

01:02:04

addressing it and not telling people exactly how I felt. it's much more freeing on this side where, you know, you take it, take it or leave it. But this is actually how I feel as a human. And, and that's what I think that's what we should do and accept that we all have differences. But also, we have so much that keeps us connected in those ways. So thank you for that. And I will say thank you to everyone listening. You would think after 200 and something episodes, I would know how to end these, but I don't.

01:02:32

So I'm just gonna say goodbye and I'll be back next week with a brand new episode. Thanks again, Katie. Thank you.

01:02:49

For more information, please visit www.thelifeshiftpodcast.com