Human Connection at 30,000 Feet with Adam Erwin | Lessons From Coach

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What if the person next to you is carrying something you'll never understand unless you choose to lean in? In this episode, I talk with author and storyteller Adam Erwin about the moment that changed how we move through the world. It's a story about listening, presence, and what happens when we stop attending life and actually start experiencing it. Everyone has something either great or terrible, but everyone has something that I can't see yet until I lean in. And so I fell in love with leaning in that day.

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I'm Maciel Huli, and this is the Life Shift, candid conversations about the pivotal moments that have changed lives forever.

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Welcome to the LifeShift podcast, Adam. Thank you for joining. Thank you, man. It's so good to be here. Thank you for wanting to be a part of the LifeShift podcast. I know we connected on LinkedIn and we're going back and forth and I'm terrible about responding because I am one that does not like notifications. So whenever I see a notification, I clear it. Like I might read it, but then I forget to go back to respond. So I'm just admitting that to the world right now that that is one of my toxic traits.

01:16

It's not toxic. I join you in having a notification allergy. I really do. So it is far better for me to not be constantly alerted and distracted. I want to be really focused and really good and be really present for the thing that I'm doing. I get so tired of attending life that I'm not experiencing. I think not having notifications is the way to be more present and that's its own gift. So don't apologize for not doing notifications well. That means you're more present and that means you're experiencing more of your life instead of just attending it.

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That's an accomplishment really in my book. I try. think that for so long society told me the direction that I needed to go and the boxes that I needed to check. And I felt very much I was a kind of perfectionist based on losing my mom as a kid. And I felt like everyone around me might abandon me as well if I wasn't perfect. And now I'm in a part of my life where I don't feel as much that I need to do whatever so and so thinks I should do. I kind of lean in more with my heart.

02:16

I don't know if you experienced that growing up of this, like, I have to do all these things and that will make me successful. I feel like based upon what you just described, that I had more freedom than that. I didn't feel like performance or performing was what I had to be attached to. I feel like growing up, I had the love and the freedom to explore and cultivate and to draw out the things that had been put in me.

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without an expectation of that having to translate or deliver for the purposes of anybody else, which in retrospect seems like a tremendous gift from my parents. No, I love that. I can't say that my father put that on me. Like, I can't say that people around me put that on me. I don't know if I... Like, I think I just assumed it. Maybe just internalized it type of thing? Yeah, I think I did because, you know, I lost my mom when I was eight and it was a sudden loss. And so...

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At that moment, it felt like abandonment, right? I think you don't really understand too much at eight years old. And so I was really afraid that my father was also going to leave at some point. And so I think I internalized that, like, I got to show up and I got to show that I'm perfect and worthy of sticking around for. And then it just kind of something snowballs like that as you grow up because you're so young, you internalize that. And then it just is part of you. So it took a while to get rid of it. But yeah, I envy people like you.

03:44

I mean, that's a small sliver. There's plenty to un-envy. But it's interesting though you talk about abandonment. And I oftentimes wonder when I meet people and I hear their story, I wonder what definition as far as what defined them that they may have somehow misplaced. Because the small piece I know about your story, it doesn't sound like you were abandoned. Your mom left. She left this world. She didn't abandon you. It was not intentional. It just happened by accident. And so...

04:13

If you felt like you were abandoned, which is incredibly tough and it's a very heavy thing to carry along with you for a long time, like you did, it sounds like, to look back and go, oh, I wasn't abandoned. It was just her time to go. When I meet people and I get to lean in and I get to hear their story, it's interesting to see the things like that, how they define themselves or how they thought that they were defined and whether or not those definitions that stuck with them.

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were the ones that were the best serving. And I think a lot of times we're just stuck with definitions that don't serve us and wounded by them in some cases. Yeah. And I think also, at least for a while, we weren't really told how to evaluate that or to reflect on that or how to, you know, like put those pieces together. think nowadays people are a little bit more in tune and people are talking about it more. it's, but like eighties, nineties, people were, were not talking about, you know, much more than

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the trophies that we were winning and the big things out there, not so much like, let's unpack why you feel like you might be abandoned. But now I have the opportunity to do that and I appreciate you hearing that. And before we get into your story, maybe you can just tell us 2025, who is Adam now? How do you identify in this world? How do you show up in the world? I show up on the other side of a life shift as someone that is as intentional as possible for the people in my own little world.

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I am very intentional. are five things that I do every single day as a way to show up intentionally so that I can better serve or come alongside the people that are placed on my path. And so I'm very intentional in 2025 in a way that I was not in 2018 or 20 or even 2022. I see a lot of growth in that a lot of the benefit of service. I think a lot of times we can.

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get caught up in the idea that self-care is a primary outlet. I think it's a secondary outlet. I think self-care is important. But caring for others will do for us what self-care never can. And so I found that when I intentionally show up well in my world and I'm looking to be helpful and engaging and help other people that I come across feel seen, that when I care for them, serving others does something for my soul that

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a massage or reading or meditation or anything else, prayer time, whatever it is, couldn't do. So yeah, I found that caring for others more intentionally has been a greater gift than I imagined it could be. And that's how I show up today in 2025, more intentional. We should all be that way. You know, I feel like the, a very certain, like I'll just say that we should all show up with intention, right? Like I feel like we should not be skating through unless we need to, unless it's a survival mechanism of some There are seasons.

07:04

Yeah, it comes down to bandwidth, right? But the phrase that I'm finding that I like, my new least favorite phrase is random acts of kindness. It should hardly ever be random. We should have an eye set on intentional kindness. We should be looking for the door to open. We should be looking for the woman that drops the pacifier for her kid or the kid drops it. We should be looking for the opportunity when someone spills a drink to go run and get them a napkin. There's nothing wrong with random acts of kindness, but it shouldn't be random. It should be.

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a lot more intentional that we're looking for the opportunities because we find what we are typically looking for in our life. And I think that we should be intentional about looking for them. My kindness feels a lot less random than it ever has right now. I mean, it just stems down from being a kind human and caring about others, which you just bridge those two things together. So therefore, why look for something that you would assign as like, oh, I did my checkmark thing of kindness today, but rather I just showed up as a good human.

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and looked for the people that might need a little bit of help. And maybe they didn't, but just that extra piece gave them something new to think about. Well, and for me, it's it's I'm not good enough to not need a reminder. So every day when I wake up, I have five little things. One of them is say something kind to someone. Help someone who needs help. Give a share of what you have. Ask someone a question about themselves. Try something really hard.

08:32

Those are my five. And that's your list for every day or is that like just like affirmation kind of thing? Sadly, that's my checklist, Matt. That's my dreaded checklist that I'm not asking you to adopt. Part of where that came from with my project that we'll talk about, the book we'll talk about probably at some point, but the experiences that I had on planes interviewing people and how I felt when I connected with another human in a meaningful way. I thought, how can I do that? How can I get that feeling when I'm not on a plane interviewing people?

09:02

Because I want that, I'm addicted. I love how that felt, connecting with people in a way when you lean in and you just look for the best in them and you see these hidden facets of their character. I want that more and how can I do that? So these five little things, the second favorite part of my day is when I take my little girls that are nine and seven to the bus stop. And I'll say, girls, what are the five little things? And they'll take turns reciting them back to me.

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Say something kind to someone, help someone who needs help. They'll take turns. The favorite part of my day is when they get off the bus running to me. Daddy, daddy, I did two of the things. And now they're telling me about how they said something kind to someone, or they tried something really hard. And they get off the bus telling me about their character because they were intentional about cultivating that. And they're intentional about being a servant and being as plugged in as possible to their own little world. It's like.

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That's my favorite part of the day. And so those five little things, I have internalized them myself. It kind of started just as far as trying to capture what I felt when I was on airplanes interviewing people. How can I accomplish that on dry land? And then with my little girls having the chance to pour into them and kind of water those seeds, it is so fun to see how their character grows because of the seeds that we get to water daily. I love that. I love too, it won't be a checklist for them.

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because it's so ingrained in them at an early age. And it's, to me, I can look at the quality of anybody's life, and this is just like a judgment thing, but in general terms. The quality of our life is determined by the quality of our habits plus the quality of our reminders. So these five things now are darn near a habit for me. When I go to the gym, when I go to a coffee shop, I'm for sure gonna say something kind to someone. I'm for sure gonna ask someone a question about themselves. Every single time. Habit. But I still need reminders on the other three.

10:58

So I'm working on it. But I think you're right that as my girls adopt these as their own habits, it just becomes part of who they are. And then it's not a checklist. We only need a checklist when it's a reminder, when it's a habit, when it's just part of who we are, when it's part of our fabric. It's not a checklist, it's character. I mean, I love that. And I love just like envisioning the ripple that that will have as they grow up and the people that they're affecting and then just kind of carries on. I think that's beautiful. And you've alluded to kind of how you got there.

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but it really stems from this life shift moment, right? So perhaps you can kind of paint the picture of life leading up to that life shift and then share the life shift or however far back you need to go. I mean, just kind of paint the picture of who Adam was like, what, 10 years ago? Darn, you're 20. So from life shift till now, 23 years and kind of in the making. So I would say, I mean, in general terms, I've always been someone that has had a heart for other people.

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Just inherently. I also fail sometimes at that, but that's kind of, I can look back, you know, as I weave through my own personal story, I can see where, oh, I was going downtown to give blankets and food to homeless people in downtown St. Louis as a senior in high school. I was working in volunteering with Special Olympics. I can see different little points in my life and say, there's an inserverehood theme kind of woven in there. It was interesting though, right after 9-11.

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I'm on my first flight after 9-11. And I'm at the gate, young 20s.

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and I'm looking for the terrorist on my flight. This is October of 2001. It's fresh. And the military's at airports with their big guns. You're taking off your shoes and your belts and stuff for the first time and going through security that way. And I was on the plane with my head on a swivel looking for the terrorist moment. Terrified. And I got off the plane and I thought, you know what? I hate how this feels. My curiosity of people and my love for people I felt were just stolen from me.

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And what was left in his place was pure judgment. And I hated how it felt. A few months later, life shift. Even though I was someone that always loved people, I was never as intentional about leaning in until life shift moment. A few months after that October 2001 flight, I'm sitting at the gate, preparing to fly, and I see this couple at the gate.

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Probably 60s. And the man is easily the most grotesque, physically looking human I've ever seen in person. what looked like kind of boils all over. He had one leg that was sizably larger than the other leg and he stood out. And it looked like he could feel the weight of the spares of everybody around him and his wife sitting next to him trying to comfort him.

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And I thought, man, what happened with him? Get on the flight and I'm sitting next to them on the plane, which I hoped would happen. I'm like, I gotta know. So I'm in the window seat. She is the middle seat. He's in the aisle seat. At some point during the flight, he falls asleep and I kind of lean over to her and say, you know, how's he doing? And she goes, do you mean to ask what happened? I said, yeah. said, can you tell me? And she said,

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We live in Hawaii. And when I met him, he was this stud of a surfer. was a handsome guy. He's a stud. And we fell in love. We got married. And one day he got bit by the wrong mosquitoes. And his lymphatic system started to fail. And he developed something called elephantiasis. And it's a disease found in tropical countries where a mosquito will bite someone that has this disease. It's a parasite.

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And then they go and they bite the next person and they infuse the parasite into that person. And it's not just one mosquito bite, it's multiple, but that's what happened. And seemingly instantly he went from this stud surfer guy to this more grotesque version that was unrecognizable to anybody that knew him before. And I was like, can you imagine, you one day you're just scooting along in life and then suddenly there's such a big rug pull and everything is just

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taken from you. Turns out they were special education teachers. And so the unconditional love that he got from his students was the exact medicine that he needed. And he was able to provide that back to them. And they just had this awesome kind of harmony about it. And after I got off that plane, the life shift that I had was, gosh, I want to lean in. As often as I possibly can, I want to lean in and hear people's story. Because the average person is carrying around

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something much heavier than we can ever see.

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And if I can see the hidden facets of their character, if I can see where they're beautiful, if I can see where they're great, if I can see what they carry that's heavy, if I can see them better, then I can come alongside them, I can love them better, and I can just be a better human for them. And so from that moment forward, I fell in love with getting the story of the person next to me, wherever I might find them. There's so much power in seeing people for who they are fully.

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And I think, like we said before, sometimes we like your first flight right after 9-11, you were looking to feel safe. I'm assuming that's exactly you weren't looking to judge. weren't necessarily intentionally doing that. That was just the vehicle, the tool that was used to try to feel safe. You're totally right. Yeah. And then now you're going in intentionally like you said, you would do nice things for people that were clearly.

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in need, right early on. like, you're helping people that are experiencing homelessness, or you're helping volunteer at the Special Olympics, because they need a lot of people to help out. You like there are things that like, I think we naturally intrinsically feel, okay, that is something that is expected of me to do to help someone that needs something from me. But now you have this experience in which just another human, I mean, I guess everyone's another human, but just like another person getting on a flight with you,

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that you don't know from, you know, Adam, basically. It's funny that worked out. But, and then you listen to his life shift story told from his wife, and that triggers you to understand like, oh, my initial perceptions of this person, maybe you didn't have negative perceptions, but you felt a certain way about him, right? Or was it more curiosity? It was more that he reignited my curiosity. I think that's

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That's probably the biggest thing that he did for me is he reignited my curiosity because instead of being like, you know, I didn't have a conclusion that I reached about him. Okay. Fair. that does it. And it felt different. It felt different than I'm at the gate and I'm looking for the terrorist. I'm not looking for anything in particular, but now I'm wondering about someone new. You want to know someone's story. Okay. So forgive my assumption. I think I'm equating it to the rest of us. Some, some of us.

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will look at someone and because of past experiences, we assume. We assume certain things. We make judgments. And I think probably a safety thing, I'm assuming. I don't know. I've never really thought about it. But I love that this, because this person maybe have looked different, it piqued your curiosity. You wanted to know perhaps what their life was like. Are they okay? I love that your first question was like, how's he doing? Like, how's he handling this?

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and then you hear the story and now you're reignited essentially? Does it give you this sense of like, oh, because you probably knew, but everyone has a story, everyone has something I can learn from, maybe everyone needs compassion, or what was that main feeling that you had when you got off that plane? It was more about everyone has something either great or terrible, but everyone has something that I can't see yet until I lean in. And so I fell in love with leaning in.

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that day. Does that get overwhelming to want to lean in for everyone? Oh, it's not for everybody. How do you pick and choose? You know what I'm saying? Like, I feel like if you have this sense of like, everyone has this story, I got to lean in. I'd look around and there's 500 people at the airport. Right. But but only two make eye contact. When I go to the gym. And I'm looking for someone to say something kind to.

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I'm looking for an opportunity. And some people are so lost in their thing, I'm not going to disrupt them. Some people are, they give off a look and a vibe and a feeling of, don't you dare come talk to me. So I don't. So really people put up their own stop signs a lot of time, just in their own way and in their own body language. And so it's not everyone in my path. It's the people that haven't put up a stop sign and whether they know it or not. And sometimes I'll blow right through the stop sign anyway. But usually most of the time I don't.

20:22

I guess to that degree, it's not overwhelming because it's not everybody. It's actually so few. The opportunities aren't as robust as one might think. It's not just every single person, every single, no, no. I'm looking forward the one moment when they're available because most of the time we aren't. We're on our phones, we have our headphones on, whatever it is, we're doing our work and we're attending the life that we're not experiencing. I'm looking for the moment when they start experiencing.

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of the gym, and they see that I am too. You know, if we can have a conversation. So the moments aren't really as robust as one might think that I'm trying to describe them as. Yeah, it just made me think like, oh, like, it ignited this. This is what happens when you lean in and listen, like, let me do this for everyone. But I get it that, like, you can't, like, it's not possible. Bandwidth is a thing, right? Yeah, bandwidth is a thing. What did it do for you? Like, did it give you a different feeling in you? Did it?

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Because I know there's something about having like holding space, if we want to use that word of 2025, like holding space for others, there is a value in that. I think there's so much value in that and it can teach us a lot about ourselves. It fills our cup in different ways. What did it do for you? I think most importantly, it put me in the backseat. It's not about me. A lot of times I think about what I'm going to eat for breakfast. What song I want to listen to on the way to the gym. Which way I'm going to drive to go see a client.

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what I'm going to wear, what I'm going to post on social media, any of those things. We spend more than enough time on I, on me. And so anytime that I can put all that aside and put somebody else in the front seat and focus on them, that's a good rest for me. So that it keeps me from being as selfish as I can be. Because I mean, I'm as good as anybody at being pretty selfish.

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Anytime I can put myself in the back seat and focus on somebody else for a bit, that's good rest for me. And it's good modeling for some of us out here too, just to see other people do that and to lean in, think it gives us plants a seed. That's the best part. I was at Costco with my daughters some time ago and it's so fun when my daughters are, hey, like they'll see somebody on the side of the road with a sign asking for food. Daddy, we can help someone that need help. Like they have...

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They are looking for opportunities to help other people. They are looking for opportunities to say something. Like it's awesome. We're at Costco and there's a lady that's in one of those carts. You she can't move well. And I noticed that she has a hot dog and she has a drink, a cup. And I know that she can't get up and put any condiments on the hot dog. And she sure as heck can't get up and put ice or any sort of drink. And so I go over to her, she actually kind of wheels up to the,

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table right behind us and I said, hey, is there anybody can help you? And she goes, I would love that. I would really appreciate that. And so I go over and I put the ketchup, mustard and relish on the dog and get the lemonade and come back and give it to her. But before I did that, though, I said, I said, hey, I might need to take the hot dog out of the wrapper. And she goes, and I said, you know, I just didn't want you to be afraid of the germs. And she goes, oh, honey, I belong to Jesus. I'm not afraid.

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Just as, you know, she was good to go. But I hand it to her and I sit back down and my daughters go, Daddy, you just helped someone that needed help. It's the modeling. What I love about kindness is every time someone sees an act of kindness, it helps three people. It helps the person receiving the act. It helps the person committing the act of kindness.

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and also anybody that observes it. The serotonin and the oxytocin, all the good chemicals floating around that cause us to have more faith in people, those are all activated by anybody that receives kindness, provides kindness, or witnesses kindness. It's a superpower. So to your point, modeling kindness is awesome because the ripple effect can be very robust. Yeah, and I think the best part about

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modeling that is when you're not intentionally modeling that right? Like you're just doing it because you're doing it with intent. There's a lot of people that there is a performative nature about people out there that they and I would I would venture to say that a lot of people that participate in the random acts of kindness, some of it is performative in the sense of like, I can tell you that this is what I did. What I mean by modeling is to seeing someone doing this

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from their heart and not from their checklist. You know, like this is something that you're doing and other people see it. And so I think it's just beautiful. And I love that you're infusing this in your children because I mean, the world will be better because of it. I think that's such a beautiful thing. But back to like getting off this plane, you have that feeling, you had to do something with it and you did, you like chose like intentionally to like get on more planes. Like what was the impetus to get there?

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I thought to myself, this flight was better than the one where I hopped on the plane and I was looking for the terrorist. This felt better. This felt good. I loved connecting with this couple. So I thought every single time I fly, what I should do is I should just interview the passenger next to me, so long as they're willing, certainly not forcing it. But I should ask them and then interview them. And then as a person that loves to write, I can write about their story and the lesson that I learned from them.

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And so I did. So I started hopping on planes. I'm 20 something and I'm hopping on planes. And I get about 75 pages into writing the book. And from the jump, from the moment that I conceived the idea of interviewing people on planes, I'm like, it's called Lessons from Coach. Coach being a reference to the back of the plane, because that's what they used to call it. So I had the title Lessons from Coach for 20 plus years. As I start, it's 2003, 2005, and I'm hopping on planes and I'm interviewing people. I'm 75 pages into writing and my computer crashes.

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and I was inept enough to not have a backup file and I lost the entire manuscript and I was crushed. Fast forward to 2018, I'm going through a divorce and I needed a brand new reason to get out of bed and this project was waiting for me. So I decided I'm going to start doing this. So in December 2018, I got on a plane for the first time in 15 plus years, or not about 15, to start interviewing people on planes again.

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And so over five and a half years, I did a social experiment where I'd hop on planes to anywhere, book a flight to anywhere, just for the sole purpose of interviewing the passenger next to me on the plane and then writing about the life lesson I learned from each person. So it was the coolest thing I ever did. I ended up doing 33 interviews and I'll give you a guess. How many flights do you think it took to procure 33 interviews? Well, if you're sitting next to me, it wouldn't take very long, but maybe like double that.

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36 flights. was 33 for 36, like 92 % success rate, which was bonkers. you did this during the pandemic too? Well, I had to pause it from 2020 until there's a gap between chapters seven and eight in the book. So I think February of 2020 is my final flight. And then I pick it up again in maybe February of 2023. Because

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Even if you could fly, you're wearing a mask or you didn't want to talk to anybody, of course. So I had to wait until people felt comfortable because like with the mask, you can't see anybody. can't like you can't see any of the nonverbals. And it makes it really tough to connect when I can't see what their face is doing. So I had to wait until 2023 to reboot, and that gave me a long pause. Not as long as the first pause. No, not nearly as long. But it felt like a long time because I was so in love with the project.

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And of the 33 that I interviewed, 14 cried on my shoulder during the interview. We got deep and we got into some life. It was awesome. And so therefore those five little things that I shared earlier, that was in response to, I fell in love with leading in interviewing people on airplanes, connecting with people in a meaningful way and how that felt. It's like, what can I do in smaller doses on a daily basis? And that's where those five little things came from. But yeah, so a lesson's from coach.

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It was an incredible gift, an idea that I just of maybe received. And when I got a chance to walk through that project and go through it, was so fun to do. Felt very meaningful, felt like it was good work. And I'm so thankful for the delays because if I had, if this book comes out in 2008, I don't think the world is in such a need for a conversation about how to see more value in the person next to you. I think in 2025, this is right on time.

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I think we really need more of this right now. And so in retrospect, I'm thankful for all the delays, every single one of them, pandemic, computer crashing, all of it. Were you leaning in during that bigger gap or was life taking over? Did you feel like you paused all of it or were you just not getting on planes to do it? I think I paused most of it.

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It doesn't mean that I was a worse person. I was just less intentional. I paused the intention of it. Yeah, it kind of got lost in life. It's almost like anything that you stop doing. If you stop, you know, if you get in the habit of push ups and you stop doing push ups. So I think I became in a personally deconditioned. And I think a lot of people are experienced that because when we connect on zoom, when we connect on on Instagram or, know, anything that we that we think is connection.

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we're deconditioning our ability to truly connect with another human one day at a time. And that's what I saw in myself during those gaps. Right. And I think we have to give permission to those parts of ourselves too. Like that's, there's probably what you needed to do at the time. Like sometimes we get in these, I think of the times in my life in which I've been quote unquote depressed or like in a season of grief or whatever it may be. And

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In the moment, feel most of the time where I felt overwhelmed with the fact that I was depressed. Like, shouldn't be, you know, like I should move through this. I need to get through this. Looking back on those moments, I'm like, that version of Matt was just surviving. Like, that was all he knew how to do and that's where he felt safe. And that's why he needed to stay there for as long as he did, whatever that period is. I kind of look at, you know, like if we decondition and whatever that may be, maybe we needed to do that at the time.

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Yeah, I think that all of our seasons have purpose. I think they do. And I think, I mean, in Minnesota, if we had all winter, I'd go bananas. If we had all summer, I'd go nuts. Having different seasons, it helps to lend perspective. So the next time summer comes around, man, I appreciate summer when it comes around next. And so, yeah, so I think the seasons have purpose. I think our pain also has purpose. And so we shouldn't rush through. We have a hard time. I know I have a hard time.

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sitting in something, I want to fix it, want to heal it, I don't want to sit in it. And sometimes you can't skip that step. Sitting in it is part of the process. And we may not love that part of the process, it may be the worst part. But I think if you try to skip the sitting in it, good luck effectively getting through it. I think very similar to what I've learned for myself is the acknowledgement of said feelings, said whatever is happening and

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acknowledging it to myself, people around me like, hey, this is what's happening. I understand it. I know it. I have my own way through it. Just want to let you know that I'm okay, but here's where I'm going. And that's been so helpful for me because I think for so long, I would try to mask it, which then just doubles everything, right? Like, I feel like you're pretending everything's okay, but you know everything's not and you're upset about everything not being okay. It just becomes a big mess. So yeah, I think sometimes you have to sit in it and kind of...

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weighted out in its own way, you and the way that you get through it. It's a challenge. And I think that that's a learned behavior. I think sitting in it is not instinct. I think your instinct is to try to fix it, try to heal it, try to run through. And the more we experience life, the more we learn and retrospect the value of sitting in it. And so maybe the next time that we run into a pain point in our life or a certain type of season, maybe we get that reminder that,

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This is a sitting in it period of this, but it's still hard every time. It's hard being human. There's some challenges to it. I wish I had known when I was younger that life was going to be this hard. But you had to sit in it. had to sit in it. I did have to sit in it. And sometimes I step in it too. We all do. When you were talking to all these people, 33 you said, 33 people?

34:05

Was there any like surprising through line through all of these stories, although wildly different? Was there anything that you found was like so common across all 33 conversations? Not across all 33, but I think if I were to paint with a broader brushstroke, I'd say there are two things that I'm looking for in most humans when I lean in to try to get their story. One thing is, and I alluded to this earlier, the average person is carrying on something much heavier than we can possibly see.

34:35

I think that's true. If you live enough life, you're going to end up carrying around something pretty heavy. think number two, everybody has a bit of superhero in them, in a visible cape. They've got a facet in them. And you can only see it, you know, kind of like a diamond, when you wear like the little monocle thing and you can kind of really look in and you see all the facets. Everybody has a superhero facet in them, this invisible cape. Then unless you really lean in, you'll never see it.

35:04

And I think it's a great thing to look for because I found that in these 33 interviews, that's been pretty common. There's a superhero something in darn near everybody if we just care to look. Did you keep in touch with these people or did they remain strangers? how does that? Because I would imagine that these conversations, just like in this podcast, oftentimes get really deep and you feel connected to this person. Did you keep in touch with any of these people? Yeah.

35:34

I have a list, certainly not all 33 or even all 22 that are featured in the book, but there are several of them. I've sent books out. I have more books to send out. That's been kind of neat when they see what I did with what they gave me. Reading my version of their story, it's been fun to get the feedback from them and sometimes like their family and say, man, you did that pretty, like thank you for what you did there.

36:04

So it's been an honor to keep in touch and to send these people their book and have them get a chance to read it. And yeah, it's fun. I'm such a process kind of person and curious of like how you captured those conversations and then what you did with it. Did you record them? Did you write notes? How did that, what was the actual process of hearing them? Cause you don't want to like be distracted. So how did you hear them absorb and also then

36:34

write their stories. I had an iPad with me and I would just type out notes as we would go. So they could even see like what I'm typing, you know, I'm right next to them. But it was was cool. And even procuring the interview securing the interview, as we would sit down. And we're getting settled in our seats, I would say something to the effect of are you flying business or pleasure today as we go to Charlotte, and they would tell me and then nine times out of 10.

37:05

How about you? And I would say, well, it depends. And they would kind of tilt their head. What do you mean? And I'd say, well, every time I fly, the only reason that I fly is so that I can interview the person next to me. And then I write about the life lesson that I learned from each person. I'm writing a book called Lessons from Coach, and I'm sitting next to you. So with your permission, I would love to interview you today. Before you answer, have two promises. Number one,

37:32

I'll move around enough of your personal information. I'll obscure the details so your next door neighbor would never know that it was you. Number two, this will be the best flight you've had in a long time. 33 field, a lot of 36. Okay. Yeah. And off we would go. And I would start with where'd you grow up? Did you play any sports? What was, you when you're in choir, you know, just kind of softball stuff. What do you do for work? Do you have a family? Are you married? Do you have kids? And just kind of get them comfortable. And then...

38:01

I had seven questions I would ask everybody. I called them my core questions because as you answer them, I learned a bit about who you are at your core. And these are deeper. as I would introduce them, would say, hey, I just want to give you permission right now. These are different types of questions. So if you need a moment to think, I just want to make sure that you know that you have the space to do that. And whenever you arrive at your answer, then we can pick it back up. So question number one was, if you were president for a day and you could make a change to the country, what would you do?

38:30

And was interesting because it's not who'd you vote for. It's not which party do you prefer. It's what do you see in this country that you don't like and how would you fix it? So some people were going to say, you start with politics? No, it's not politics. And what was cool was we could talk about things about our country. What was right, what was wrong, how would you fix it, what we don't like. And it never once turned political. you know, this is Democrat, this is Republican.

39:00

I like this politician, I don't like this one. That never even came up. We just talked about issues. It's like, this is how discourse should be. Awesome. I don't need to go through all seven, can, but question number two was, was the best day of your life? And that was... It's a hard question. It is. In fact, one guy didn't have one. Question number three was, was the worst day of your life? And that's where 14 people cried on my shoulder answering that. And then I spent the next four questions bringing them back up.

39:30

So when I built the questions, I built it in a way I'm like, this is gonna get tough, but we're gonna bring it back up. And it's interesting, question four is, what's your anthem? And the way that I describe it to people, because it's what I call a positive disruptor, because we're, after you answer about the worst day of your life, we're in a low spot, and then I turn it on its side, and I have to define what it is that I'm asking you. And what I'm also doing,

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unknowingly at the time is I'm engaging you in neural nostalgia. Because when we think about music from our childhood, like a song that we love. So when I ask someone, what's your anthem? I'll say, this is what I mean. And then I give an example. I'll say, what's that song that when you hear it, the hairs in the back of your neck stand up or you sing it at the top of your lungs, or it time travels you to a very specific moment in your life. And then I give the example of there's a song that it's not my favorite song by any stretch.

40:29

But it time-traveled me. It's a song by 10,000 Maniacs called These Are Days. So whenever I hear that song, my sister's a senior in high school, I'm a freshman, we have a silver LeBaron convertible that she was driving to school. I'm wearing khaki pants, a buttoned-up shirt, and a tie because I'm on the freshman basketball team and it's game day. I'm eating cinnamon pop tarts because those are the ones I like the least. My mom would go to Sam's Club and get the four-pack and I always ate that one last because I didn't like it. Every time I...

40:57

I hear that song, it time travels me to that very specific moment in my life, neural nostalgia. And so, turns out that neural nostalgia is a great mood lifter. It's the perfect question to ask after having somebody low. So, we started bringing people back up with that question, which is kind of fun. You know, I got stuck on how, like, I don't think I could answer the best day question.

41:24

And I wonder if other people can't answer it because we don't remember the best days as much. The worst moments are the ones that stand out so brightly in my head. And it could be my own having such a traumatic event at eight that like startled me into something. But it's like I would be hard pressed to be like, oh, yeah, that was the best day. But I certainly could tell you a few of my worst. And I don't know if it's just because those stand out more.

41:52

based on my own experience or have other people experience that as well? I think it's perhaps a more important question to answer then. Because if we don't, I agree that we take a lot more negative inventory than positive inventory. I totally agree with that. We're good at negative inventory. And so anytime we get a chance and opportunity to look for the good, to retrace our steps a bit and look for the good, I think it has a chance to lift us up in a way that we weren't expecting. I agree.

42:22

Gratitude is amazing in that way. And so anytime you can tap into gratitude, which is kind of what the question attempts to do, then it can do a special thing for us. This is a silly question, but how did you choose where you were gonna fly? I was looking for cost-effectiveness. you know, I'm funding this sucker and it's right after our divorce, I don't have any money. So I was looking for cheap and as a Minnesota guy, I'm looking for seasonally appropriate. In January, I'm going to Phoenix and I'm going to Florida. In July, I'm going to Seattle.

42:53

In April, I'm going to St. Louis and Nashville. So just kind of tried to build the trips to the best of my ability with cost considerations in mind and also fun places I could go that we're going to have weather that I wanted. Yeah. And part of me thinks like it needs to be a certain length of a flight maybe to get the depth of interview that you might want. It absolutely does. I can't fly to Chicago. It's too close. It's an hour, hour and 10.

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whatever it is. and I learned that the hard way. And each of the chapters is named after the city that I traveled to. So lessons from Denver, lessons from Tampa. So going into this reboot of your project, you were going in with this intention, this lean in this re energized version of you did much change about like, do you see a difference between when you started it and when you finished it through those 33 interviews? Like were you

43:50

change because of the process from 1 to 33? Yes. And I put that, and this is, is hopefully comes across as not intended to be self-serving at all. The subtitle of the book is restoring empathy, curiosity, and being present one flight at a time. Those are the things that I saw the most growth in. Empathy, curiosity, and being present.

44:19

In addition to that, some really tough life happened. The worst was tough. The pandemic was really challenging. And then my dad passed in August of 2020, and that was significantly challenging. having gone through some pain, the interviews after some of that pain, the second half of the book, I'm more weathered as a person. And so I felt like my empathy got a boost because of it.

44:45

curious. I wonder if you have more hope for humanity after doing a project like this, think. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. think I can kind of relate to it too, in the podcast sense of like just hearing more stories and realize how different most people's stories are, but this through line of similarities and the things that are easily relatable. And I think it's to our earlier point of like,

45:14

I think we're naturally looking for differences or we were trained to do that. Yeah, I agree with that. There's not as many as we initially thought. The Maya Angelou quote about, are more alike than we are unlike. Absolutely true. Absolutely true. And I think what can confuse that, what can blur that for us so we don't see it as clearly, on social media, what we see, everybody has a camera. And so because of all the noise, we end up seeing the outliers.

45:44

the truly awesome, the truly terrible. So when we're looking at a social media reel and we're kind of doom scrolling through it, it's all outliers. But when all you see is outliers, like, oh, this is normal. No, they're outliers. That's not normal. Normal is stuff that we're not seeing because it's not crazy enough for the algorithm to send it to us. It's not shocking. It's not shockingly great. It's not shockingly terrible. If it's not shocking, it's not sent to us.

46:13

And so I think because of that, because of algorithms of social media, sometimes we are the victim of being over, overrun, inundated with outliers and then confusing that with normal. And it's not, they're outliers. but it's so amazing. Every authentic conversation I get to have with the person. Yesterday, I'm at the Hard Rock Hotel in New York City. I sat down next to a lady named Maggie and she's reading a book and we got to talking. She's an oncology nurse.

46:42

And she goes, it seems like everybody is stage four. And I had a thought that I've never had in my entire life. Everybody is stage four of something. It might be stage four of loneliness. It might be stage four of anxiety. Stage four cancer. It might be stage four disappointment. And I think if we treat people, and maybe they're in remission from whatever stage four they were in, but if I treat people as if they have gone through stage four of something, I probably love them better. I'm more patient with them, more gracious.

47:12

So for the first time in my life yesterday, it occurred to me that we're all stage four something. And every time I have an authentic interaction with somebody like that, and I learn something new that another human teaches me, I get more optimistic about other humans. We're going to be okay. It gives you more hope. It gives you more hope in humanity, I think. It's to your outlier point too. It can be really cloudy sometimes when we only see the outliers.

47:42

We have to be reminded that they're outliers. That's right. Now, I mean, I love that this journey, this intentional journey, right? Like to put one, you have to take the step to like, I'm going to spend money to go some random place to do this. like that's big. That would stop it. That would stop a lot of people. Just step one. I didn't have, I'm not rolling. I've been wiped out by divorce and then I wasn't allowed to work because of COVID. I was down 60 % revenue 2020.

48:13

at a time when I didn't have any savings is terrible. But the draw to humanity, I mean, you're taking these intentional steps to change those lives of the people that you talk to first and foremost, right? Like these conversations, maybe they never even got to share parts of those things that they shared with you before. You're building your own empathy, which then will snowball and helps your children and all these other things. And now you have this book in the world, which then creates its own.

48:39

ripples that come along with it or you know, and will continue to do so. I mean, with all of that, knowing that now here in 2025, this is a silly question. But if you could go to like, 2003 computer just crashed. Was it 2003? Adam, that computer crash? Is there anything you want to tell him about the next 20 years? I would tell him get good at waiting. Learn how to wait because I'm not good at waiting.

49:08

There is a, whether it's a fermenting process or a, you know, like there's a distillation process that only time can provide. So I'd say to him, get good at waiting. I would also say that nothing's wasted. Your pain's not wasted. Whatever season you're in, there's something there for you that's gonna make it worth it. So nothing's wasted and get good at waiting. Learn how to wait. I'd say those two things to him.

49:35

Well, mean, good on you for for knowing that now, right? That nothing's wasted. Probably in 2004, maybe you were like, Oh, God, let's go. Like, let's get so mad. So I'm like, I'm doing a good thing here. Why can't this just go? Because, you know, because it's not your time. It's not time yet. I mean, you wouldn't know that now probably had you not gone through the seasons that you went through before. I think it's all

50:03

all kind of plays into each other and now you're just changing the world, whether it's one person at a time or the ripple that comes from it. It's got to feel very, I don't know if rewarding is the right word, but something very heartful. Purposeful. Purposeful? It feels very purposeful. I feel like when I wake up in the morning that whether it's, if I get a chance to speak some place to a group, that's purposeful, even if it's a one-on-one. Maggie that I met.

50:33

Yesterday at the Hard Rock Hotel, we had a great conversation. That felt very purposeful. And anytime you can give people an opportunity to feel seen and reminded that they matter, that's good work in my estimation. I love it. I'm someone that my friends will yell at me if I talk to like the Uber driver or the person next to me on the plane. So I am very much in your boat where like I love to talk to people and learn about their stories and connect with them if I'm sharing a space with them. So, you know, I think it's.

51:01

I think it's a wonderful thing and I love that you put it into a book. Can you tell us more about that, where we find it? Sure. If you want like an autograph version, you can go to LessonsFromCoach.com and that'll send you to, I will get that. I'll see the order come through and then I'm happy to send an autograph copy. If you want to get it from me directly, that's certainly one way to do it. You can go to Amazon, you can buy it from Amazon. If you have a Kindle, you can download that. I'm currently in process with the audio book. I've had some requests for that.

51:30

I'm not an audio engineer and I'm doing it myself and it's hilarious the amount of learning. It's a massive serving of humble pie. It's like, man, it's a big amount of work. So I'm still working on the audio book, but I cannot wait for that to be available in places like Audible. And what if people want to connect with you? Do they go to your website? Is that the best place to go? If you go to LessonsFromCoach.com, it will funnel you to...

51:59

the main website, which is author Adam Irwin. And that's where people can, if there's anything I can do for them, if they want to connect and yeah, that's the best way to do that. And also of course, social media, Instagram, TikTok, Twitter, they're all author Adam Irwin. So if you're listening now, something Adam said resonated with you or you want to connect, you want to find his book, please go to the links in the

52:24

in description. also like to ask maybe there's someone in your life that needs to hear kind of like what Adam's doing in this conversation. We'd love it if you share this episode with them. I think that would be a wonderful gift to us as well to just kind of spread this word. And like the things that your your checklist that you have every day for yourself, I think is a really good place for people to start. And then just being curious about other people's stories and and who they are and what makes them tick. I think

52:51

gives us a little bit more hope for humanity. I think so too. And if I could offer one final encouragement, it's that when we lead with vulnerability, that almost gives permission for the person next to us to also be vulnerable. And sometimes that's a big and scary thing. But I think the only reason that I was able to have these awesome connections with people is because I was vulnerable first. I was hopping on a plane asking if I could interview them, introducing my project, taking a chance. And I think that...

53:20

A lot of times our vulnerability gets honored with other people's vulnerability too. Totally. I agree. Definitely. I'm all for sharing our vulnerabilities where appropriate and with people that can understand. And I think it goes to the modeling comment I mentioned earlier about your daughters and the things that they're doing and seeing you do kindness, know, and modeling that in an authentic and intentional way.

53:46

the same with vulnerability and just showing up as a human. think it's just like being a compassionate individual that cares about the people around you that you may or may not know. And we're all trying to do the same thing here, right? So, well, thank you for telling your story in this matte way on the Lifeshift Podcast. I appreciate it. It's so valuable and I hope more people are inspired to connect with others and lean in. I love that phrase because it's important. I think also for the people that aren't

54:16

being heard, right? So like even sharing their stories for the first time is so important. So thank you for what you're doing to the world or for the world. Thank you. And thank you for providing a place like this that we can have conversations that are meaningful. It's really, and that other people can hear them too, and kind of be a fly on the wall for our conversation. It's really powerful to be able to set up an environment where these types of conversations happen and flourish. And that's

54:46

That's special. It's not usual. It's atypical. So I appreciate what you've done to build this, to allow these types of conversations to happen. It's awesome. Thank you so much. Wow. I appreciate that. I accept that. I go into each episode thinking of the eight-year-old version of myself. And had I been able to hear that other grown adults that had gone through some stuff were OK and were existing in the world.

55:12

I think life would have been a little bit different. I felt very alone in that. So I hope that each episode is finding the ears that need to hear it the most to feel less alone and to feel inspired to move into the world in a different way because they hear other people's stories. It's all about that modeling. So thank you for saying that. It's been such an honor to have this and to create this. So thank you very much, Adam. Thank you so much. Everyone listening, thank you. I will be back next week with a brand new episode of the LifeShift Podcast.

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For more information, please visit www.thelifeshiftpodcast.com