How Sobriety Helped Ian Fee Find Real Connection

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Sometimes it takes a moment so clear and so gut-wrenchingly true that everything else fades away. In this episode, Ian Fee shares how a single thought on day three of rehab changed the course of his life. From addiction and loss to healing and helping others, this is a story about what happens when we finally decide to face ourselves and what's possible when we do. But on the third day of rehab, I don't know what it was. The good Lord touched me on the shoulder and was like, hey.

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Unless you were right, there ain't anything gonna be right, kid. You need to get yourself right and everything else you can focus on. But until you're right, there ain't anything ever gonna be right. And for some reason that just clicked with me and it was like, boom, just like a floodgates and emotions of like, wow, I really do need to look in the mirror. I'm Maciel Huli and this is The Life Shift. Candid conversations about the pivotal moments that have changed lives forever.

01:08

Hello, my friends. Welcome to the LifeShift Podcast. I am here with Ian. Hello, Ian. Hello. Thank you very much for having me. I greatly appreciate it. Well, I appreciate you saying that. This has been a journey that I never expected to love so much. It's therapeutic when you can speak about your traumas and your different mindset and the things you go through. It's quite therapeutic, actually. I agree now. I didn't realize. I didn't realize the power

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of telling your story. Like I think I understood the power of hearing other people's But I never realized the power of sharing that and how it helps you put the pieces together more. Do you realize that as you go around sharing your story more? Yeah, absolutely. And it just it brings it closer and closer together and a better understanding internally for me. And then you reflect on it. You're like, why didn't I think of that a year ago?

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Well, before we get into your specific story, maybe you can tell us 2025, who are you? How do you identify in this world? However you want to describe that. Ian Fee, 52 years old, been sober almost seven years. 2025 for me is about health, wellness, mindset. Mental health has been such a focal point for me that I just recently learned of how important that is. I had a life coach that's been amazing for the last two years, which I highly recommend to anybody that

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you know, somebody should have some sort of coach. know, we kind of back in the day of growing up, you'd be like, oh, you have a therapist, what's wrong? Well, there's nothing wrong. I'm just trying to be better today. And I think there is that pendulum shift that those are changing these days. The more people I talk to on this podcast, the more people that are like, yeah, the coaches are the people that help me level up. Right. To the next, is that what you're seeing? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It's like, you know, you want to take yourself to the next level.

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It takes a village, takes a tribe, it takes your core group of people to help you level yourself up. If not, you're gonna, we've all experienced those people in the world that are like, they just stay the same, right? They still live in their high school days and they're in their 50s and they're talking about, remember that Friday night in the fourth quarter? And you're 52 sitting around having a beer? Those people wanna level up, but they're afraid to get uncomfortable to level up. Yeah, do you think that's generational? I don't know.

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My parents were 94. My mom just passed away in October at 85. So I don't think it was in their generation too. I was in their circles of parties and be listening to these things as a kid. It'd be like, well, that was back in the 50s. Like, what are you talking about now in the 90s? They were kind of stuck back there. So I don't know if it's a generational thing. It could be. Yeah, I mean, I feel like even I'm in my close to mid 40s now and I feel like even my generation, weren't.

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brought up to really share our feelings or share for sure negative parts, right? Like, I feel like it was you only talk about the good things you don't talk about that day you were sad. Yeah, I like my life coach today helps me with that because I grew up that way. Like everything's always good. There was never anything bad. And me and my brothers grew up that was like, and how traumatic it is to learn to grieve.

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to learn to, it's okay to cry, it's okay to have bad feelings, that's okay. Because I think you learn how to come out of them. Right? And I didn't really learn how to come out of them until, you know, really a few years ago. Of just depressing all this stuff, like, oh, everything's good, everything's good, everything's good. And it's like, well, not everything's good. Let's recognize the bad and feel it and then move on. Right? It's like you, it took you

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years, know, two decades to grieve about your mom. I haven't grieved about my mom yet, and it's only been since October, but it's like, it's coming. I'll know when that time is, but it's like, you have to feel those feelings to then move on and to let it go. I think you need help. You know, people help you come out of that, help you, people help you feel that, you know, like the podcast listening to yours is that helps people, right? You know, and it's okay to talk about, it's okay to have those feelings.

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And hopefully you have a good core people to to have that. I think I think of it like permission, even if it's just someone's not like literally giving you permission, but hearing other people talk about it kind of opens that space of permission to just be a full human. think growing up as a guy, you also get that like, there's certain things you're not allowed to feel or be or whatever those things. It's the manly thing, right? Right. And it's, it's stupid because well, I'll say it's stupid. Because as a

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as a fully formed human now and having all the emotions, it's a much richer life than suppressing all those things, which then just ends up in anger, right? You're either happy or you're mad because everything is suppressed down. And then all those triggers that come with that of all the stuff that you've just suppressed over life that, you know, there's just one little trigger man that can make all that eruption happen. Yeah. And I think that kind of I mean, not to make assumptions here, but that kind of probably nicely leads into your story and

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the fact of like kind of suppression in a way, and maybe I'm making assumptions, but to get into your story, paint the picture of your life leading up to kind of the life shift moment, because I think give us some context. Well, I'll make it fast. But it started at the age of one was my first drink with my dad and one of those little circly things bouncing around as a kid. And, you know, in the 70s growing up, that was acceptable to be like sip on beer that moved into at the age of 13, I was

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bartending my parents' and serving drinks to people. And I was like, oh, look at your cute son. And then in high school, I was a pretty good athlete, really didn't drink a whole ton. And then getting into vocational school and business, I realized alcohol was my superpower, that I could network with people and I could get a group of people together. And it was all around happy hours and wine and martini lunches, which led to just, was built, I thought it was my superpower and build my business with.

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You know, my network of people and my network was huge. My friend group was huge and I was always alive for the party. If I ever was a party, I could take it to the next level. No matter what time, no matter where we were at. And in my mind, it was like, wow, I got this. you know, I neglected my, I got two failed marriages out of that deal. Neglected my kids. I was present, but I wasn't present, which we'll talk about, which is a whole other podcast probably, to in 2017.

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I had all the red flags of, hey, maybe you should get some out, maybe you should slow down. And on October 17th, I went into a rehab that is a version therapy where they kind of induce vomiting with alcohol and it's a 10 days, it's brutal. And got out of rehab 10 days later, which was Halloween, taking daughter to go trick or treat, got served papers, but it was over. Like I had so much damage done prior to that of.

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parties people would be like, you had a party on Friday night? No, I'd have a party Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, because after happy hour, I drag clients home with their friends and be like, Hey, we're barbecuing, we're firing up some wine. That was a very common theme. So I just wore those relationships out in 2017. When when if there was a rock bottom or hit by a two by four, that was it for me. Was the rock bottom that triggered you to go to the rehab? Or was rehab the rock? Like what?

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What brought you to the decision that like done? It was probably my third day. Not probably. It was my third day in rehab. I was going in to save my marriage, be a better dad, be a better business owner, be a better friend, be better for Did you want to, or did you feel you had to?

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I felt like I had to. There was a little bit above. 60-40-ish probably, right? Like, hey, it's probably about time. I had all these red flags, failed marriages. have, you know, this little shatterbox in your head of like, you really don't have a problem. Then you have this one, you should probably go get some help and maybe turn your life around. But on the third day of rehab, I don't know what it was. The good Lord touched me on the shoulder and was like, hey, unless you were right, there ain't anything gonna be right, kid. You need to get yourself right and everything else you can focus on.

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till you're right, there ain't anything ever gonna be right. And for some reason that just clicked with me and it was like, boom, just like a floodgates and emotions of like, wow, I really do need to look in the mirror and go, is this the person you want to be? And that wasn't the person I wanted to be. And that was a big turning point for me. That was the turning point for me. It was like a light inside. was like your soul inside was telling you like, hey, need a little space, a little freedom.

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Yeah, and it's, it's absolutely been transforming emotionally, physically lost 80 pounds. mean, life transformation for me the last seven years, for sure. Yeah. Well, congratulations, first of all, for making that decision for yourself. But also, I'm sure you're able to show up for other people in ways that maybe are more rewarding to you now. For sure. Yeah, yeah, I appreciate that. Thank you. I could imagine having this. Would you look at your

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drinking as like a relationship with alcohol? Like, was it something in which you had to really grieve that loss? It was I grew up with it. My whole domestication of a kid was life was around boobs. It was always around me. And it was just the life that I grew up around. So did I grieve it? I was probably more mad at it. Of like, why did I have? What if I wasn't drinking for

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30 years, one, where would my business have been when I sold to where would my relationships be? Where would my relationships be with my kids? So I had to do a lot of internal forgiveness and resentment and regret and feel those feelings and let them go. But I would imagine that if you've had it for that long, like you kind of don't know, or do you know who you are without it? Like, was it something so much so that, like you were losing maybe the

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the core of you or was that just all of you and then now you don't have it anymore? Do you have to like reestablish yourself as a human? Yeah, I think you definitely have to reestablish yourself. was I was I was numbing feelings and emotions and like again, I grew up everything was okay. So if there was a hiccup or some drama or something wasn't good, I just I just push it down, push it down, push it down. And then I'd numb up with booze. So don't feel those feelings. It was more numbing what was going on even though

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I had the other side of like, well this is my superpower. I need booze because I'm getting clients and I entertain and we can go to strip clubs and we can go to bars and we can go to trips to Cabo and we can do all these things and it's all centered around booze and alcohol and entertainment. And it's so elegant to have a glass of wine, right? It's like, you know, a pretty boozy thing to go, hey, let's go get a bottle of Caymus and have happy hour and watch the sunset that leads into three bottles of Caymus. We get so much romanticized around, you know,

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espresso martinis and, and nice red wines or Sauvignon Blanc or, uh, that was my world for 30 years. In that 30 years, did you ever consider getting sober or was it just, yeah, this was just like, Hey, keep going kid. And you know, I had these, you know, all these false relationships around me because I was that guy and be like, Oh, let's go to the bar. No, no, no, I got it.

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hundreds of thousands of dollars I probably spent over the years of picking up bar tabs and be like, oh, another bottle of Cayman's $300. Don't worry about it. I got it. Don't worry about it. I was everybody's friend in a bar. Yeah. Well, and I also, think it's, hard because if you're suppressing all that stuff, when something bad happens in your life, you never blamed it on that. Or you just know, like, Oh, this their fault. Yeah, just numb it. And like, yeah, it's somebody else's fault. Right. And today is like, I talk about night.

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preached and it's like look in the mirror it's on me like I've owned I have learned to own everything I did and I have done so much work on myself and my therapy to forgive myself and I look in the mirror and be like that's my responsibility I don't blame my failed marriages on them when I did back in the day of like booze would be like it's everybody else's fault that person's fault that friend's fault that person's fault the job's fault and instead of looking in the mirror and going it's on me and I you know my

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third day in rehab, was like, hey, it's time to be, it's on me. The world is on me. That's overwhelming. How do you like I mean, I would have was it overwhelming? For me, it would be like that feeling of like, okay, now I got to take on the world without this, this mask that I've been wearing for 30 years now. Is that overwhelming? Or no? No, is it was kind of like you going to get your masters. It was like a challenge. It was like, I'm gonna go get uncomfortable.

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I'm gonna go work on me and I know it's gonna hurt and it's gonna be really uncomfortable and it's gonna be really awkward but I always teach now is like Go get comfortable being uncomfortable Right because it was uncomfortable to learn and probably go to school and be like, oh man This is gonna be tough and but you did it and it's wins and you stack all these little baby wins and it makes you feel good and be like man I did that and that's how I looked at you know, it's on me is

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it's gonna hurt, it's gonna be awkward, I'm gonna go get a life coach, because I know I need the help of somebody outside source. And my core people have been, my core four, which I'm gonna write a book about, because I think it's so important of your circle of people. They make or break you. And my core four have helped me become who I am today. And I couldn't do it without them. It takes a village, it takes a tribe. And I have those people, and I'm so lucky and blessed for it.

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definitely the community, the people around you that can support you in all ways, like not just when you're feeling good, but also when there are the harder parts and the tough love and the things that require you know that you need to grow. I could imagine too that you did you face where the friends that you had for so long were did they morph into new versions of your friends or did you really have to like were they no longer friends because

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Well, I think you find out who your true friends are when there is absolute drama in your life. They either scatter or be like, I'm gonna kind of let them figure out their stuff over there and we're gonna kind of step back from that. Or you have those ones that you can talk to that can be real with you and be like, hey, you need to step up your game. Hey, you need to be a better dad. Hey, you need to get in better shape, whatever. And have those heartfelt conversations and not take it personal, right? Of like, they genuinely have your best interest. But mine were like,

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I could have a group of 30 people at my house in a text in 10 minutes. And today I could care less if it's outside my core four and my family. But they kind of all scattered. I found out real quick who my real friends were, for sure. And did some of them morph into it? No, my core four that were always kind of there just became even more important to me. I mean, they were there with my drinking days. They've been with me for 25 plus.

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years. And they've been there. And they've been like, Oh, my God, did know what you said last night? Oh, boy, that you might want to say sorry to that person. And those are the people you need. Yeah. Well, I think it's a common story. think for people that have chosen to be sober and quit kind of that life, I think that friend story is very similar. I think it's a common thread that people see. Because I mean, if you take the version of you

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Were you as good of a friend when you were drinking as you are now to other people? I was always a people pleaser. I was always very kind and giving. So I don't think that changed a whole lot. Just my priorities of where I take that attention and my kindness and giving gets a lot smaller. So when you came out of that rehab, you said,

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more stuff came at you, were served papers. So that's your first test, right? Essentially your first real life test coming out. How did you navigate without drinking? Was it a challenge or because you were like, no, I'm doing this, you were kind of moving through the world in a different version of you. I went in, again, on that third day, it's on me. And that's when I came out as like, hey, that's when my...

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Like you said, my first challenge was, it was a big pivotal point. I could have went back and started drinking again. I'm going to drown my sorrows. Or I wanted to go challenge myself and can I go be this new person? And I was like, I got this. I'm going to be clear headed. And I was still battling for it even after that. Like it was like, I'm going to prove, but the damage was already done. I did so much carnage and it was over, even though in my mind is like, I'm still going to give this a whirl.

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and I'm going to prove that I can be this person. But yeah, that was a big pivotal point, but it was also like, I'm going to get uncomfortable being uncomfortable. And I'm going to challenge myself to continue to be better every single day. And I, I've kind of lived that every single day for the last seven and a half years. So in the old version of you, you say you were served papers in that way. What would you have done versus what you like did this time? I would have been like, call a couple of buddies and let's go get, you know, let's go get buzzed up at a bar.

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So what is the new version of you do? Because that's really I mean, I feel like if that's all you've done your whole life, like, how do you decide what to do in a really traumatic experience? Yes, you know, and again, it goes back to my core four, I had really good people that I could be super emotional with and be vulnerable and cry on their shoulder and have coffee talk and walk me through that. And without that, because I never had that communication growing up as a kid, I never knew, you know, we never talked about it to mom and dad about feelings like

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You weren't really allowed to have feelings because everything was okay. And my core four, I'm so comfortable with, they allow me to express my feelings with no judgment. There's no like, why are you crying, baby? Let's go to the bar and have a drink. You know, my bigger circle would have said that. But my core four knew the journey I wanted to be on and my goals and my mindset. So they helped me stay on track. So I didn't veer off the side of the road and go into those negative places. Yeah. So you would just like call them and

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say, hey, instead of going to drink, you're gonna need to talk to me right now. And most of them don't live in my state. So they, they flew up, drove up. mean, that's how important that I am to them. They are to me for sure. They'll be like, I'll be on a jet. I will see you tomorrow. That's important. 100 % I think finding the right people can. I mean, that helps you survive life, right? Like life isn't not all sunshine and rainbows, right? Like, as much as we want to pretend it is, right?

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lot of stuff comes at us. And I guess we can choose how we approach it. But having the people that back us and really like, even if we make the wrong quote unquote wrong choice, having the people around us to support us through whatever we need after that fact, because I don't make all the best choices. But I know that my friends will be there for me, maybe they don't agree with what I've done. But at the same time, they're supporting me because that was the decision I made at the time. So

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Yeah, having the right circle is like, if you didn't have those people, do you think you would be as successful as you are now with this version of you? Absolutely not. I think the people you surround, it's kind of that old saying of, show me your friends, I'll show you your future, is so true. Look at some of your friends or just people around and be like, or strangers or in groups and go, look at them. Be like, is that who you really want to hang out with? I did a book launch.

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and one of my son's friends who I know is silver curious but still drinks a lot. And he asked me, what is the one thing I can do? And I know his circle. And I go, your circle is your problem. All you do is drink, smoke weed, play video games, and don't talk anything about the future. You need to get out of that group. Well, it's gonna be hard. Yeah, it's gonna be hard. But also staying where you're at is gonna be hard. So choose your heart. It's gonna get really uncomfortable to get out of that circle.

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until you're comfortable in a new circle. And it is, that's the biggest thing. Everybody's so comfortable in the world, like, ah, but it's easy. But there's so much more out there. Yeah, you're speaking to me. Yeah, I mean, that was my that was my life. I think mine was trauma informed. I think, you know, having a parent die, I assumed that my dad needed me to be perfect. So he also didn't leave. And so I just felt like that just followed me until maybe like mid 30s, which is really long time. Yeah, but

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you like you just you you want to feel safe and comfort is safe. Right? Absolutely. Yeah. When you made that decision to stay sober, did the new decisions you were making the new ways about living? Did it kind of was it a snowball effect for you where like one thing that felt good was rewarding, then like, what did you wanted to push you forward to the next thing? Or was it always from the start?

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No, no, it's a, I stacked little baby wins, right? And I talk a lot about, you know, on New Year's everybody, you know, the big thing is I'm going to lose weight in January. You know, the new year I'm going to go, I'm going to get fit. I'm going to lose 30 pounds, right? No one says that. I don't know you're talking about. And that is great. But the problem is again, people get comfortable and they, they self fail, right? I'm going to lose one pound in January.

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or two pounds in January. They have this goal with 30 and in the second week at the gym they're like, I've lost a pound, I'm really not doing anything. I'm gonna go have a cheeseburger and drink some beer. But if you change that mindset and your mind's a crazy, crazy tricky thing as you know, if you set your goal of like, I'm gonna lose two pounds in a week and you did a pound and a half, you won and you just stack all those little baby wins, right? Cause we need to feel those wins, right? We feel that big failure of like, oh, 30's here, I only did two, I failed.

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And if you just stack those little baby ones, and that's what I did from, you people look at my daily routine now and be like, how do you do that overnight? Well, I didn't. It took me two years to cold plunge and wake up and journal and do breath work and go work out and meditate. That all took lots of stacking of little baby moments of reading a book of like,

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I'm just gonna do one page. I'm not doing a chapter. I started it up page because I hated to read. And I've read more books in the last seven years than I've read in my entire life. I think I read one book, two books maybe. And I think I'm up to like 23 books. And I love to read now. But it started with one page. Just stack little baby wins. Give yourself wins is my biggest thing. And that's how I've done it, you know, for the last seven and a half years. Yeah. I mean, all those things that you mentioned that are now part of your routine, if you will.

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sound like they might have been like the opposite of what Ian wanted to do before. Did you do any of those things in your life before? Well, I was pretty religious going to the gym, but I was going to the gym to sweat out booze so I could put more in. there was really not any understand that not any health benefits to it. was like, but in my mind is like, I went to the gym this morning. Yeah. And then as soon as I got out of the gym, like, you know, being here in Hawaii, be like, well, let's go have a Bloody Mary defeats the purpose. Yeah.

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But so you would go to the gym, like meditation was off the table. Oh yeah. And you know, I, I learned after writing a book of, you know, I journal every morning, every single morning. I thought 85 year old women journal be like, that's what old people do when they do nothing. It was one sentence. And then it went to three sentences to a paragraph to where, you know, maybe it's a, maybe it's a page today. It's not a lot, but it's very consistent. And once you start those,

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routines and those habits and that consistency, you realize you missed it when you don't do it. Yeah. So it's really a consistency, not the result necessarily. Right. And it's very therapeutic. know, a lot of my, my journal and his gratitude, I think gratitude is just so overlooked in the world because we're always, you know, you look at Instagram and Facebook and Tik Toks and all the social media. always about what's out there and greater jets and planes and cars and bigger boats and bigger parties of like, why don't you

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Be grateful for what you have today. Yeah. Do you share all of you now with people? Oh yeah. Yeah. In my book, I get a lot of comments of like, hey, I appreciate that because you were pretty naked in your book. It's all out there. And it was very therapeutic, actually. Was it scary the first time you were honest? No. Felt really, really good because I could never do that. I had all this stuff behind me, right? But I feel like that would be scary.

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Yeah, it was the opposite for me. was like this freeing moment. It was just like a release of like, man, it's all out there now. The real me is out there. Like I had this bandaid of like, he ends this guy, he's a party guy, he's a successful guy. You know, he's the party dad. That mask came off. You know, and I had my, you know, was very tear jerking in there. I have my kids write letters. I have my kids write me letters that are in the book of like,

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what it was like growing up with their drunk dad. And it's pretty emotional. You know, in two different stories. Yeah, real. I mean, I think that those are the things that growing up we were told to shy away from. Those were the things that we keep under the rug at home. Like you're even you're for your kids, the release and the ability for you to be willing to see that is

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is huge for them, I'm assuming. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure that was mind blowing for them to be like, here's how I really felt that. Yeah. And it's like, Okay, it's all out there. We're pointed all out there. Let's go. No, I think that's a beautiful thing to model. And I think of those letters that your kids wrote, and you have in the book. I mean, that's such a gift. Did you do you see it that way? Oh, hard as they are? Yeah, absolutely. I think it's it's a it's a beautiful thing to be able to be a full human and share

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all the messy parts and all the good things, but the messy parts, I think, are the things we relate to the most as humans, right? Instead of like the Oscar that you won, you know, like who can, how many people can relate to someone winning an Oscar? Right. You know, they look at that, but they don't realize the journey and everybody has some issues. Everybody. don't care who you are. That's the reward. I had that feeling when I sold my company in 2016, my journey was over. I went into massive depression and drank my face off.

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in a two week vendor. I remember looking at my bank account in Vegas with some of my closest circle. And I had this overwhelming of like, it's over. Like, today I appreciate the journey way more than what I did there. Like I have this goal, I'm gonna be the successful guy, I'm gonna provide for my family and they can have nice cars and nice trips and all these things, right? And I didn't appreciate the journey and all those experiences toward today. Man, I...

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I don't want it to end. want to continue the journey. Because that's where that's where all the fun is. Right. That's where all the learning is. That's where all the connection is. That's where all the mistakes are even, you know, like we can cherish the mistakes because they get us to a new point. Like if we didn't make the mistake, then we wouldn't know better. Those are the best lessons. Failing is the best lessons ever. So go be the first to fail. Yeah, good luck telling a kid that. Right.

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They're like, what we're told to win, win, win. Especially like a version of you or a version of me as kids. It's like, you're kidding, right? Like we're not allowed to do that. Yeah. Yeah. That generation. Absolutely not. Did you ever in this journey, this sober journey, did you ever want to go back? No, I have not had that feeling. I feel so good. And I found my purpose is to go make an impact on people. And I think I silently influenced so many people.

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And with my book coming out and the people that that message me or text me of like how I made an impact on their life that absolutely warms my heart. Yeah. And the the ripple effect that's going to come from it too, right? Like someone's going to read your book and it changed their life and then they're inspiring other people to change their own life. Like, I mean, I feel like Yeah, I just had a gentleman text me yesterday, got my book, read it in one sitting because I started in morning and it's a super easy read.

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And he goes, I finished it when I got home from my daughter's game. And he's like, it really resonated with me and that it changed my life. And can I call you tomorrow? Which I talked to him this morning and he's like, Hey, I want to make a change. And would you help me? I'm like, I will be here for you. No problem. So that makes me feel fabulous that if you can go make an impact on somebody, that's what it's about, right? It's no different with your podcast of all the people that you make an impact. And then that ripple effect that goes through.

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that water. That's the goal, right? Showing up as good humans and hope that we're modeling something that helps someone else. I mean, I feel like that should be the goal. Yeah. Hopefully more people have that goal in their life. Yeah. So you sold your business before you got sober and then you got sober. So did you have something to run to to keep busy? Did you start some? It sounds like you started something new.

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you've got a book in play here. So like, what did you do after you sold that business became sober? Like, how did you get to this point? And so I still work for the company that bought my business. Apparently they like me. So they like you both ways. They like me both ways. They probably like me more this way. I hope so. So I'm still with them. And then I just have this passion to go make an impact on people and to share my story and my, you know, I great people to encourage me took about 17 months.

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And again, it was just so therapeutic for me to release all that. Right. And you're like, if I can do it, who can't? And the people that knew me before that saw me 80 pounds heavier and, and just this crazy drunken oblivion guy that's a party animal and, the life of the party, which I'm still the life of the party. just don't drink. You don't need it to be. So that core part stayed with you. Yeah.

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For sure. it's probably easier to be the life of the party in that way, maybe. Yeah. And I feel like a million bucks in the morning can be up early and go through my routine. And, you know, I can still sit in a bar. I can still pour drinks for people. And if they want Bloody Marys at 8.30 in the morning, I have no problem. I'm not here to judge anybody. I don't sit here and preach people like, shouldn't drink. It does this for me. And it does this. it's like, people will realize their own journey when they look in the mirror. That's why I think so many people are sober curious.

33:08

I get a lot of people that look at me be like, well, what's it like? How can you sit in a bar? I have a lot of those questions that come up. Is that a common term? Sober curious. I think I've heard it, but now I use it all the time because I think it's so fitting for when people talk to me that people are sober curious. Like my son's friend at the book launch. I know he's sober curious. He wants to, but it's not, I can't go pushing him like, okay kid, don't drink, don't drink.

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they're going to figure it out. And hopefully they do it before, you know, they hurt themselves or they hurt somebody for what it, you know, driving or texting and drinking and whatever. Hopefully they realize it of like, before it's too late. But some people, you know, my parents were 85. My dad died at 95. They were pretty much social alcoholics their entire life. Some people don't get it. Some people don't get it. I think it feels very similar to like, if I'm going to equate it to something in my life, my grief journey was very much an addiction.

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I think it was an addiction to struggle to, am I sad enough? I, you know, like, I feel like there were pieces of it that I could relate to. And I was not going to get through until I was ready to seek out the tools to get through. So I see there's a similarity in that case, because and now that like, I'm the one, oh, you have a dead mom, like I'm that guy. So you like, you know how to deal with it. So people are like, Oh, go talk to Matt when you

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lost someone like and I'm like, I'm, can tell you how I did it, which was a big failure for 20 years. But now I know how like when I lost my grandmother, like, I knew the steps I needed to take to grieve properly. And the thing I tell people now is I'm like, and you said this early on, which I love is like, allow yourself to feel however you're feeling at any point in time, in any point of the journey, because you're human and you have all the full emotions.

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and don't suppress any of them and just kind of go through it. And you're gonna know when it's time for you to move through to the next part of whatever that journey is. And so I love that you said that early on, because I was like, yeah, I agree. What made you want to write the book? Is the same thing, help more people? Just make an impact. So it actually started with three of us, a couple guys I work with. And we were sitting in LA at a work function. Three of us went out for lunch and there was a...

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table next to us and they were having martini lunches and we just started reminiscing, oh god remember that used to be us and we would go back to these functions and not feel good and we'd go in and out at one o'clock and we had to be up at seven. So we just kind of reminisced. One of the guys is like, man we should write a book we have so many stories. I'm like, we should. And that's where it all started. We called a ghostwriter that next day in Phoenix and kind of went down the path and it started with three, ended with me. Some of them just didn't want all their.

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stories out there. There's a lot of tributes to them in there. They're still in my core four. But yeah, that just started with a random sit in the lunch reminiscent about martini lunches. Yeah. And now when does it come out? Or is it out? Came out the end of October last year. So yeah, for five months, five months now. Yeah. Well, congratulations on that getting past that little date is always a big challenge. So congratulations to that. And now, like you said before, like

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who knows how many people you're affecting and changing and inspiring, or maybe you've just planted a seed, right? And maybe they're not ready to change yet, but that idea is now there percolating and growing into something bigger. I think that's always the challenge is like sometimes we're like, I hope that you'll do this, but again, people have to do it on their own timeline. Right, for sure. And do you have a company related to this? No, not really. I have a website, it's called makeagreat.me.

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which was actually created when I was in rehab of like, hey, let's go public speak and try to make an impact on people. So it's still out there. You know, I have some hoodies for sale and hats for sale on there, but I really haven't done anything with it. My life coach is kind of encouraging me to get on some speaking stages and share my story a little bit. So I might have to ramp that up a little bit. Yeah, I'm excited for what the future brings for sure. Yeah. What do you think is the biggest difference between

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this version of you, 2025 version of you, and 2015 version of you? I use this a lot, and I say it a lot, and I write it a lot, is you have to forgive your younger self. You have to believe in your current self, and you have to create your future self. I didn't have that in 2015. 2015, I was just people-pleasing, thinking I was making money.

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entertaining people, drastic difference. Do you look back on that version of yourself as like you were surviving the best you knew how, like you were, this is the way you were kind of making through life? Or how do you look at that version? I think I just numbed everything. I was numbing life with booze. That you were surviving? Like, I think in my opinion, it feels like it's almost I hate to say it this way, but it's almost like you needed that to like survive the day to get through whatever you were.

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masking or pushing down. And so it's easier to forgive in that way as well. And the more stuff that was coming in, the more success you have and the more, you know, people you have around the more people you need to please, it's more stuff you just suppress more and more. So I would just numb it more and more, you know, like, you know, people like, you quit stop drinking? Sure. No problem. I wouldn't drink for three days. And you know, these

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problems would start like, ooh, maybe we should address some of these and thank God it was Thursday happy hour so we can push them right back down. I wonder, I didn't ask this, but did you struggle like stopping drinking? Like I know some people have like an addiction that it makes it really hard to stop as well. Did you have any of those challenges? So pre rehab that summer of 2017, was kind of like, wife's like, Hey, you don't drink. was like, I got this. So I didn't drink for three months.

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And then in September, I went to a function, a client's deal. We went to New York, went to a Buffalo game, drank. So stopping wasn't overly that hard. But I was also in the mindset of like, man, I created some damage and I got to do some repairs here. So I'm going to kind of like prove to everybody else that I could not do it. So I wasn't doing it for myself at that time. Where when I went to rehab on that third day, that's when I was like,

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I'm doing this for me. Yeah. So you were able to quit cold turkey. No, no issue. Uh, in 2017. Yeah. For three months. But after, like when you were, when you, after rehab you were done. Yeah. Well, aversion therapy is when they induce vomiting. So you have this big thing of epic act, which induces vomiting and then this, the, you're like, it's terrible. was horrible, miserable. So

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You take this epicag, you have a mirror in front of you, you have a silver bowl, which I do not have silver bowls in my house to this day. And they would pour you a shot of vodka, switch it around in your mouth, spit it out, here's some fireballs, switch it around, split it in your mouth. You start throwing up and they try to get 18 shots from every kind of booze, wine, Baileys, scotch, whiskey, and you're just violently throwing up. So it gives you that version of like, ooh, booze, I'm gonna vomit.

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to this day, my aversion is so high that sometimes I could be sitting in a bar and maybe some tequila shots go by a little close and I'll get a whiff of that, my mouth will water. It's kind of like the Pavlov dog trick is exactly what they do with booze. And my aversion is still ridiculously high. Like they're at zero interest, probably because I vomit. Yeah, no, I mean, think that's probably what you needed at the time to.

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Yeah, and I've never been to an AA. I know a lot of guys in it. I think it's a phenomenal program, but it kind of goes back what we talked about earlier. It's that community of people. They can go share their stories, they can go be vulnerable, they can go actually feel their feelings in a comfortable environment. Right. And the tactical things that you do now is kind of like, you know, your own version of, of kind of creating that 12 steps, if you will, like your cold plunging and your meditation and like all the things that

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serve you in a way that need to. It's kind of like you kind of created your own thing and you have your own community. Yeah, exactly. I like that analogy. I have my own my own step program for sure you do. And the support group is just so important. I was talking to someone else who had a really intense experience in an intensive care unit and the best grieving that she found after that after this like post traumatic experience that she had there was with other people that had traumatic experiences that could understand

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Because people that don't go through it don't really understand. You don't really realize it. And that's why support groups or your core four, they've seen you through all versions of you. So they understand what you're going through. And so I think community is so great. And I hope you put that book together for the core four. think that's important. I like to kind of wrap up these conversations with a question. And I'm wondering if you could go back to like day one, day two rehab version of you. Is there anything that this version would want to say to him?

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Why didn't you start earlier? Do you think he would have the answer? No, I wouldn't have had the answer. You know, you needed day three. I needed day three, but somebody touched me on the shoulder and was like, Hey, look in the mirror. It's on you. You want to be right. You need to get yourself right. Only you can do this. And you're not doing it for other people. You need to do it for yourself. You need to be right before anything else is right.

43:10

This is super woo woo, but I wonder if this version of you was that voice in your in your ear that day.

43:18

Who knows? I don't know any of these things. If people really connect with your story or want to learn more about you or find your book, can you tell us the name of your book and tell us how to find you and connect with you and be in your orbit? Yeah, yeah. The book is on Amazon. It's called The Wild Ride to Sobriety. You can find Ian Fee on Instagram, TikTok, LinkedIn, Facebook. Everywhere. Everywhere, yeah. If you just...

43:48

Google my name, you'll find I'll pop up and all my stuff is very, very positive. You won't see any negative. It's all uplift in mindset, mindfulness, health, wellness, longevity, positive messages. So I recommend you follow. Yeah. Well, I recommend that too. And I think, I think you would welcome people reaching out to you if a certain part of this conversation touched them or they read something in your book. Are you open to people reaching out to you?

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sharing your story with you. All my info also is in the back of the book, but you can reach me at enwfee at Hotmail. You can text me at 206-571-3068. Anything you ever want, need help, support, you know, a friend on the journey, love to help you. Well, I love that. I love that you're so open about helping others because you've been there. You know, you've experienced the hard parts and you've experienced the good parts and all the things in between, right? One thing I...

44:46

I think would be so wonderful and it kind of relates to this ripple effect that we were talking about is I always ask listeners if they know someone in their life that might need to hear your story. I think both of us would love it if you share this conversation with them because maybe, just maybe, it might plant a seed or it might trigger a sober curious thought or it might trigger them to find your book and get further down that road. So I always ask if you're listening and you know someone in your life.

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that might need to hear this conversation, please share it with them. I think that would be the best gift that you could give us. And I want to say thank you, Ian, for having this conversation in this way with some of my weird questions and kind of going down that road. It's really a wonderful healing part of my journey. So thank you. Well, thank you and keep doing what you're doing. It's amazing work. And again, the impact you're making is phenomenal. So I appreciate what you're doing as well.

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Well, thank you for that. will accept that. Not very one of, not one of my good qualities of trying to accept compliments. So thank you for that. think, I think you're right though. I think what's nice about books, what's nice about podcasts is that there might be someone listening or reading five years from now. And what we say today or what you wrote last year or the year before is like impacting people. And it's just so powerful. So I encourage anyone listening, if you have a story, put it out there, share it with others.

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because you never know what part of your story will inspire something in someone else. So thank you again, Ian, for being a part of this. Thank you all for listening. With that, I'm going to say goodbye and I'll be back next week with a brand new episode. So thank you again, Ian. Thank you.

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For more information, please visit www.thelifeshiftpodcast.com