Leaning In: What a Stranger in Coach Taught Adam Erwin About Empathy

Seeing People Isn't Always Easy — But It's Always Worth It

When Adam Erwin boarded a plane shortly after 9/11, he was filled with the kind of fear many of us still remember from that time. It was his first flight since the attacks, and every unfamiliar face felt like a threat. The curiosity he once had about people was replaced with something colder — judgment, defense, distance.

But then something happened.

On a later flight, Adam noticed a man who visibly stood out, physically altered by a condition he didn’t understand. Instead of looking away, Adam leaned in. What followed was a conversation with the man's wife that completely reshaped his understanding of presence, empathy, and what it means to truly see another human being.

That moment became the first spark in what would become a years-long project called Lessons from Coach.

Why Intentional Kindness Still Matters

We live in a world that moves fast. Fast news, fast takes, fast scrolling. And in all that speed, we often miss the quiet cues — the weary eyes, the heavy shoulders, the silence that hides grief or burnout or loneliness. 

That’s why Adam’s story stuck with me.

He didn’t just have one emotional moment and move on. Instead, he created a system in his daily life to help himself remember to care. Five actions, repeated every day:

• Say something kind to someone

• Help someone who needs help

• Give a share of what you have

• Ask someone a question about themselves

• Try something really hard

This isn’t about performative kindness. It’s about building the muscle to notice, to respond, and to connect. And the coolest part? Adam teaches this practice to his young daughters, who now look for opportunities to help someone on the playground or offer encouragement at the bus stop. That’s the ripple.

What Adam Learned at 30,000 Feet

After that first pivotal flight, Adam started flying intentionally — not to reach a destination, but to meet the person in the seat next to him.

Over five years and 33 interviews, Adam flew around the country with one mission: ask the person next to him if they’d be willing to share their story.

If they said yes, he’d listen, take notes, and later write about what he learned from them.

These weren’t small talk exchanges. In fact, 14 of the people he interviewed cried during the flight. They shared the best and worst days of their lives. They talked about regrets, resilience, and invisible capes they wear to get through the day.

One woman told him about her husband, who once was a surfer in Hawaii before a rare mosquito-borne illness completely altered his body. He now lives with elephantiasis, a condition that’s changed how the world sees him — but not how he shows up in it. Their love story, their strength, and their presence in coach that day helped Adam see that everyone has something. Everyone is carrying a weight we can’t always recognize.

The Challenge of Being Present

Here’s something Adam said that I’ve thought about since the moment he spoke it:

“I was tired of attending life instead of experiencing it.”

How many of us can relate to that? I know I can. The routines, the endless pings, the constant pressure to do — it can all add up to a kind of numbed-out autopilot. But presence requires us to choose differently. It requires effort, awareness, and in many cases, vulnerability.

Adam isn’t claiming to be perfect at this. In fact, he shared how grief, burnout, and even the pandemic temporarily pulled him away from the project. But when he returned, he found his empathy had deepened. The pauses in life didn’t break the mission — they expanded it.

If this resonates, you can hear the full conversation with Adam on The Life Shift Podcast. We explore the life-changing moment that started it all, the lessons from his travels, and the ripple effects of choosing connection over convenience.

🎧 Listen at www.thelifeshiftpodcast.com/189